I recently completed my annual July Christmas shopping and a friend noticed the large amount of shopping bags coming out of my car. He casually inquired what it was all for and when I remarked, it was for Christmas, he looked rather puzzled and asked "why now?"
Why now indeed? Let's face it, Christmas shopping is an incredible pain in the ass at the best of times... unless you do it in July like the smart, organized people. Let's look at the many benefits of completing the task, six months ahead of schedule.
1. Shopping in shorts, sandals and a t-shirt is a hell of a lot easier than shopping in several layers of clothes, heavy boots, scarves, woolly hat, and heavy fur lined coat. Sure, just like wearing all that crazy winter survival getup, you may get a little warm and uncomfortable lugging all those bags around, but the difference is that I can buy a cool drink, sit out in the shade and relax outside.
Relaxing and taking off all that gear just isn't possible in December. For starters, there's probably no where to sit in a packed mall, and secondly you wouldn't have anywhere to put all your survival gear. If you were crazy enough to peal it off, you'd probably forget some of it (risking frostbite), if you weren't first beaten to death by some holiday stressed out basket case for taking up an extra seat on the last available bench.
2. No queues. No waiting for twenty minutes at the cash register. No extra stress after waiting twenty minutes to get stuck behind one last person in the queue, who happens to be a pensioner that insists on paying in loose change for a $150 item, then spills the change on the floor and has to start over.
Another plus is you're not rifling through 18 layers of clothes looking for your wallet inconveniencing the people behind you... not that there is any to inconvenience. They're all out at the beach... suckers.
3. Everything is in stock, so you're not racing around town, hunting in every store for the last whatever-the-$#&@ special toy your kid wanted this year, nor are you in danger of getting into a fist fight with a total stranger over said last $#@&%!$ toy.
Christmas is the one time of year Canadians cease being overly polite and become great walloping jerks just like everyone else on the planet.
4. No traffic, meaning the usual fifteen minute drive to the mall and back... remains the fifteen minute drive to the mall and back. Not the hour long drive through hell frozen over it is on December 23rd.
5. No parking problems. No one tried to beat me half to death for the last space, nor was my car damaged in any way by some $#@&-wad trying to squeeze their over-sized SUV into the space beside it.
I also parked in the shade so my car was nice and comfortable when I got back. There's no option like that in winter. You're fortunate if your car even starts after having spent twenty minutes scrapping ice and snow off of it with your credit card with glove-less frozen hands (because you forgot to put your snow brush in the car, and you lost your gloves when you foolishly tore off all your winter gear as in point one).
Not that I have the problem of forgetting to put a snow brush in the car. I leave a small one in the boot all year round. This IS Canada after all. They don't call it the 'Great White North' for no %$#@!%$ reason.
I usually like to park as far from the mall entrance as I can (I like to walk), but at least it's a choice in July. And what a nice pleasant walk it is in July too. No one almost ran me down because they couldn't see me with all the snow on their windshield (I guess their credit card broke, mid-cleaning).
Nor was anyone laying in wait for my space when I returned to the car to drop off a load of bags before heading back for additional shopping (people get really, really mad about that sort of thing in December).
6. Your credit card still works in all the card machines because it hasn't been used as a snow/ice removal tool and you still have all your digits to operate the card machine, because none fell off through frostbite.
7. Minimal interaction with other human beings. No large crowds of annoying, stupid people who for some bizarre reason enjoy the Christmas holidays and insist on wishing you a Merry Christmas. No idiots good naturedly asking me if I've completed my shopping and no Christmas themed banter of any kind with any of the cashiers.
Our transaction is completed with the barest of signals that can be considered communication: grunts and nods (they're unhappy because they'd rather be at the beach and me, well, I just don't give a %$@#).
8. No temptation to buy stupid Christmas themed presents. Not that I have that problem, but I know people who do. Word of advice... no one likes that tacky shit.
And if you do... you're one of those annoying people that actually like Christmas. And you know what I want to do to those %$@#ers.
9. No tacky Christmas decorations or music to annoy and distract you on your efficient shopping mission.
10. After shopping, cooling off in the shade with a nice cold beer beats trying to warm up by the fire with a hot cocoa.
I also was in no danger of slipping and falling on a patch of ice bringing said beer into the house, breaking my leg and impaling it with glass from the broken beer bottles.
So how do you make Christmas in July happen?
It's fairly simple.
1. Create a shopping list. It's a lot easier if you've already cut most people out of your holiday gift giving in the first place (see my previous Christmas rants).
2. T-shirt: Check.
3. Shorts: Check .
4. Sandals: Check.
5. Wallet: Check (notice how quick that was because you weren't rummaging through 18 layers of clothes).
6. Get in the car, drive to the mall and go buy shit.
7. Bring it home and hide it in a smart hiding spot (see my rant from December 2015). It's gotta be good, because it needs to remain hidden for six months. Of course, if you're not stupid, you didn't tell your kids you were going Christmas shopping in the first place and they won't be snooping around the house for another five months.
They may even notice around month five that you haven't apparently done any Christmas shopping at all, and not even bother to snoop, fearing that you secretly hate them, and they're getting sweet &^%# all on Christmas morning.
Won't they be pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning... if they haven't entered some sort of depression induced coma or hung themselves.
How not to &%@$-up Christmas Shopping in July
This is also fairly simple.
1. Don't intent to do it and keep putting it off and putting it off (because you have loads of time) and then suddenly notice it's 11pm on Christmas eve.
This is how most people &$#@ it up.
Of course, you'd think most people would have realized it was no longer July by November at the latest... but then, there are a lot of stupid people out there.
2. Open everything up and make sure everything works properly. This is key! This will one, prepare you for the number of batteries you're going to need, and two, six months is a hell of a lot longer than the 30 day return policy on those gifts.
3. Be certain your kids are going to like what you've purchase for them, because they sure as hell can't return it (see point two). Of course, since it's probably from Santa anyway, you can blame that fat alcoholic bastard if they don't.
4. Don't buy stuff you can't keep until Christmas. I'm talking about the ham, roast beef, Turkey, eggnog, or other perishable holiday food items. As my departed Gran would attest, keeping a raw turkey in a cupboard for even three days doesn't bode well.
Actually she may not have attested to that. Apparently she had to be argued out of cooking and serving it.
What about Christmas Cards, Mr. Smarty-pants? Can't buy those in July.
Sure you can. You can order just about anything on this thing called the internet, and most of it is a hell of a lot harder to come buy than Christmas cards, and a hell of a lot more @$%#-ed up than buying Christmas cards in July.
Besides, I usually buy mine for the next year while they're on sale a week after Christmas.
They're like %75 off.
What's with all the swearing?
I tend to swear a lot more when writing Christmas rants. I think the spirit of the season just takes hold of me.
Why now indeed? Let's face it, Christmas shopping is an incredible pain in the ass at the best of times... unless you do it in July like the smart, organized people. Let's look at the many benefits of completing the task, six months ahead of schedule.
1. Shopping in shorts, sandals and a t-shirt is a hell of a lot easier than shopping in several layers of clothes, heavy boots, scarves, woolly hat, and heavy fur lined coat. Sure, just like wearing all that crazy winter survival getup, you may get a little warm and uncomfortable lugging all those bags around, but the difference is that I can buy a cool drink, sit out in the shade and relax outside.
Relaxing and taking off all that gear just isn't possible in December. For starters, there's probably no where to sit in a packed mall, and secondly you wouldn't have anywhere to put all your survival gear. If you were crazy enough to peal it off, you'd probably forget some of it (risking frostbite), if you weren't first beaten to death by some holiday stressed out basket case for taking up an extra seat on the last available bench.
2. No queues. No waiting for twenty minutes at the cash register. No extra stress after waiting twenty minutes to get stuck behind one last person in the queue, who happens to be a pensioner that insists on paying in loose change for a $150 item, then spills the change on the floor and has to start over.
Another plus is you're not rifling through 18 layers of clothes looking for your wallet inconveniencing the people behind you... not that there is any to inconvenience. They're all out at the beach... suckers.
3. Everything is in stock, so you're not racing around town, hunting in every store for the last whatever-the-$#&@ special toy your kid wanted this year, nor are you in danger of getting into a fist fight with a total stranger over said last $#@&%!$ toy.
Christmas is the one time of year Canadians cease being overly polite and become great walloping jerks just like everyone else on the planet.
4. No traffic, meaning the usual fifteen minute drive to the mall and back... remains the fifteen minute drive to the mall and back. Not the hour long drive through hell frozen over it is on December 23rd.
5. No parking problems. No one tried to beat me half to death for the last space, nor was my car damaged in any way by some $#@&-wad trying to squeeze their over-sized SUV into the space beside it.
I also parked in the shade so my car was nice and comfortable when I got back. There's no option like that in winter. You're fortunate if your car even starts after having spent twenty minutes scrapping ice and snow off of it with your credit card with glove-less frozen hands (because you forgot to put your snow brush in the car, and you lost your gloves when you foolishly tore off all your winter gear as in point one).
Not that I have the problem of forgetting to put a snow brush in the car. I leave a small one in the boot all year round. This IS Canada after all. They don't call it the 'Great White North' for no %$#@!%$ reason.
I usually like to park as far from the mall entrance as I can (I like to walk), but at least it's a choice in July. And what a nice pleasant walk it is in July too. No one almost ran me down because they couldn't see me with all the snow on their windshield (I guess their credit card broke, mid-cleaning).
Nor was anyone laying in wait for my space when I returned to the car to drop off a load of bags before heading back for additional shopping (people get really, really mad about that sort of thing in December).
6. Your credit card still works in all the card machines because it hasn't been used as a snow/ice removal tool and you still have all your digits to operate the card machine, because none fell off through frostbite.
7. Minimal interaction with other human beings. No large crowds of annoying, stupid people who for some bizarre reason enjoy the Christmas holidays and insist on wishing you a Merry Christmas. No idiots good naturedly asking me if I've completed my shopping and no Christmas themed banter of any kind with any of the cashiers.
Our transaction is completed with the barest of signals that can be considered communication: grunts and nods (they're unhappy because they'd rather be at the beach and me, well, I just don't give a %$@#).
8. No temptation to buy stupid Christmas themed presents. Not that I have that problem, but I know people who do. Word of advice... no one likes that tacky shit.
And if you do... you're one of those annoying people that actually like Christmas. And you know what I want to do to those %$@#ers.
9. No tacky Christmas decorations or music to annoy and distract you on your efficient shopping mission.
10. After shopping, cooling off in the shade with a nice cold beer beats trying to warm up by the fire with a hot cocoa.
I also was in no danger of slipping and falling on a patch of ice bringing said beer into the house, breaking my leg and impaling it with glass from the broken beer bottles.
So how do you make Christmas in July happen?
It's fairly simple.
1. Create a shopping list. It's a lot easier if you've already cut most people out of your holiday gift giving in the first place (see my previous Christmas rants).
2. T-shirt: Check.
3. Shorts: Check .
4. Sandals: Check.
5. Wallet: Check (notice how quick that was because you weren't rummaging through 18 layers of clothes).
6. Get in the car, drive to the mall and go buy shit.
7. Bring it home and hide it in a smart hiding spot (see my rant from December 2015). It's gotta be good, because it needs to remain hidden for six months. Of course, if you're not stupid, you didn't tell your kids you were going Christmas shopping in the first place and they won't be snooping around the house for another five months.
They may even notice around month five that you haven't apparently done any Christmas shopping at all, and not even bother to snoop, fearing that you secretly hate them, and they're getting sweet &^%# all on Christmas morning.
Won't they be pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning... if they haven't entered some sort of depression induced coma or hung themselves.
How not to &%@$-up Christmas Shopping in July
This is also fairly simple.
1. Don't intent to do it and keep putting it off and putting it off (because you have loads of time) and then suddenly notice it's 11pm on Christmas eve.
This is how most people &$#@ it up.
Of course, you'd think most people would have realized it was no longer July by November at the latest... but then, there are a lot of stupid people out there.
2. Open everything up and make sure everything works properly. This is key! This will one, prepare you for the number of batteries you're going to need, and two, six months is a hell of a lot longer than the 30 day return policy on those gifts.
3. Be certain your kids are going to like what you've purchase for them, because they sure as hell can't return it (see point two). Of course, since it's probably from Santa anyway, you can blame that fat alcoholic bastard if they don't.
4. Don't buy stuff you can't keep until Christmas. I'm talking about the ham, roast beef, Turkey, eggnog, or other perishable holiday food items. As my departed Gran would attest, keeping a raw turkey in a cupboard for even three days doesn't bode well.
Actually she may not have attested to that. Apparently she had to be argued out of cooking and serving it.
What about Christmas Cards, Mr. Smarty-pants? Can't buy those in July.
Sure you can. You can order just about anything on this thing called the internet, and most of it is a hell of a lot harder to come buy than Christmas cards, and a hell of a lot more @$%#-ed up than buying Christmas cards in July.
Besides, I usually buy mine for the next year while they're on sale a week after Christmas.
They're like %75 off.
What's with all the swearing?
I tend to swear a lot more when writing Christmas rants. I think the spirit of the season just takes hold of me.
I'm not quite so focused on the Xmas shopping, but I to buy well a head of time for the gifts I still need to buy. Basically I'm always thinking of gift shopping and keep managing to find stuff off season at great prices just as a part of normal wanders into stores and such. Exceptions are for the brother-in-law who needs a size or two larger than he ever admits to, so we have to buy close to the season with a gift certificate so he can quietly return it for the size he won't admit he needs.
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