Xorton's Rant

Released : August 1997 Publisher : Nintendo Developer : Rare Platform : Nintendo 64 Type : First Person Shooter Graphics : Meh Game Play : Narly Originality : Narly How many hours I’ve wasted : Blank-eyed soulless stare The Nostalgia Factor : Narly 007 Goldeneye was one of the games that convinced me to finally break down and for the first time, purchase a video game console (in this case, the Nintendo 64)*. A friend of mine would often pop into town with his 64 and collection of video games, and several of us would play 007 until our eyes bled, our arms went limp and we were unable to remain in an upright sitting position... and then we kept on playing. Occasionally someone would wipe the puddle of drool collecting around our faces to keep us from drowning. Yes, Goldeneye was so good, we would voluntarily put ourselves into a near comatose state on a regular basis. Why was it so good? First person shooters had of course been available for years before (such as...

My nephew, Saruman* who is always a source of amusement (he's a wee comedian), was over for dinner on Christmas Eve. We were heading downstairs to have a pre-dinner play session with lego (as is our custom) when he opened the following dialogue: Saruman: Hey, you know what? Me: What's that? Saruman: I learned today that giving is better than receiving. Me: Uh-huh. I suppose that's part of the spirit of the season. Saruman: So, since it's Christmas, I think you would feel really good about giving me all your Star Wars toys. Me: Nice try. Saruman:  (Sheepishly) Yeah. He and his brother are my favourite comedians. * Obviously not his real name, although these days, who knows. 

I like to use the "Cheese Sandwich" analogy with other IT people when describing dumb things done by dumb users. For example: IT Guy: So, what was wrong with the printer? Me: Some idiot had jammed a cheese sandwich in the manual feeder. IT Guy: Again?! Me: That's $20 you owe me. IT Guy: "Mr. Marbles" again, huh? This does away with the need for a long winded explanation over a subject which has likely already been covered multiple times in regards to the same issue, caused (very likely) by the same user. What technical atrocity was committed is inconsequential, only that it happened and was caused by the same person is really relevant. IT people like to keep to the point. We also give problem users nicknames and place bets on the frequency of their accidents. We also maintain a list of those who are committing atrocities against machine-kind. When the machine revolution begins, we're handing over that list of the technically and criminally neg...

When I was a kid, I didn't care for many of the foods that kids generally love; to name a few: pizza, hot dogs, and cake. Of course, all of above items were and still are pretty much a staple of the average birthday party. Naturally I wasn't a a whole lot of fun at these events which explains why I wasn't invited to many of them. Not that I minded terribly anyway. The few that I remember attending really only reinforced that I generally didn't care for the whole tradition in the first place. On more than one occasion, I'd picked out what I considered was a very suitable gift, only to have the birthday boy throw a royal fit because he already had that particular toy. It was fairly tiresome when he did it for every gift he opened. Apparently, despite the fact that the birthday boy is ungratefully pounding his fists on the floor, screaming in ill-mannered fury, it's still poor form to try to take the gift back home for yourself. At that time, kids didn'...

Yutu (Jade Rabbit) Lunar Rover China has soft landed the first probe onto the Moon's surface since 1976. The Chang'e 3 lander and Yutu rover set down yesterday at 13:11 UTC in the Mare Imbrium region of the Moon. The Chinese follow a "slow and steady wins the race" methodology to space exploration which is clearly working for them exceedingly well. Setting probes down on the harsh lunar surface is no mean feat and only two other nations in human history have had undertaken successful lunar landings. It's quite an accomplishment for China not only to succeed on their very first attempt, but also to put a lander/rover combination package onto the lunar surface at the same time. I admire the Chinese's tenacity in working to getting it right the first time and look forward to seeing the data from this mission. Congratulations China!

Searching for an appropriately safe baby cage and other baby accessories is significantly more challenging than it initially appears. We were originally looking at Ikea cribs (despite my current Ikea ban), however the reviews tended to indicate that these cribs were in fact nothing more than cleverly disguised death traps. It makes sense... the Swedes keep their newborns in government issued cardboard boxes, so it stands to reason that they know nothing about building cribs. Given that Ikea also off-shores much of the manufacturing to certain backwards countries also explains the general lack of workmanship. Me: The bed collapsed. Tibor: No, no. Ees self adjusting. Ees fine. Me: It's also on fire. Tibor: No, no. Ees feature. Ees keeps babies warm. Ees fine. My Ikea ban remains justifiably in affect. Hours of searching and researching later revealed a number of products I wouldn't trust to put our cat in them, let alone a newborn. Unfortunately if you want a Ron...

An update and another "Simpsons" reference in regards to our expected arrival in April. This particular episode came to mind this afternoon whilst restraining myself from throttling users who like to delete important files on our server. It's a girl by the way! The name has been chosen... any guesses to what we finally went with?

As you all know, I find the whole concept of Christmas to be fairly stupid, however there are parts of the tradition that are clearly worse and that I personally dread more than others: The Office Holiday Potluck I've written a great deal of my dislike for the office holiday potluck in the past (so I won't go into great detail), but suffice it to say, my opinion hasn't changed any. Some may enjoy spending time with people they normally don't socialize with in an uncomfortable silence (or worse, talking about their Christmas shopping), but that certainly isn't me. In all the years that I've attended these things, no one ever talks about anything other than Christmas related subjects. Just once, I'd like to sit down and have a meaningful discussion, say, about the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan and it's legacy in the region today. Probably explains why I'm not a lot of fun at parties. Boxing Day Sales You didn't get what you wanted on...

My apologies... For those of you opening this blog entry expecting a review of Oscar Trit's Collection of Norwegian Folk songs, featuring the Trondheim Hammer Dances... this is in fact a blog with my most recent doodle. While we're on the subject, it's rather hard to stay positive in this day and age... which is why comedy is so important. It was wonderful to hear that the Python's have returned for a few performances. Wouldn't it be lovely if they came back and did a few television specials? Certainly the demand is there. Apparently the performances sold out in a matter of seconds. And now it's time for the penguin on top of your television to explode.

Released : July 1994 Publisher : LucasArts Developer : Totally Games Platform : DOS, Windows, Mac Type : Space Fighter Simulation Graphics : Narly Game Play : Narly Originality : Narly How many hours I’ve wasted : Narly The Nostalgia Factor : Nary " Alpha one, mission critical craft under attack! Alpha one, mission critical craft shields down! Alpha one, mission critical craft hull condition critical! Alpha one, mission critical craft destroyed! Abort mission, mission failure! " Tie Fighter was the much anticipated sequel to X-Wing, the first fighter simulation released by Lucas Arts and these two games are probably the best fighter simulation games of any genre ever developed. Tie Fighter was one of those games I'd personally waited years for... finally an opportunity to pilot a Tie Fighter and shoot up hapless Y-Wings. As with most games released by LucasArts over the years, the graphics and sound for the period were nothing short of outstandi...

There are very few occasions for which I'm at a loss for words, but during a conversation this past week, one of these notable incidents occurred. I was speaking with a young individual who through the course of conversation revealed that she had no idea who The Doors or The Rolling Stone were. While she was aware that there had been a band called "The Beatles", she hadn't heard any of their material and believed that they were an old band that came to prominence during World War II or maybe World War I. Yes, in that bloody summer of 1916, troops of the British Empire Expeditionary Force in France were enjoying the off key warbling of the Liverpool Fab Four Quartet and their latest hits: "Mean Mr. Mustard Gas" and "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kaiser". It was such a shame when John Lennon was later assassinated in Sarajevo by Gravrilo Princip. Sir Paul of course, is still cranking out the tunes... not bad for a man of apparently 116 (and st...

Once again, it's that time of year when everyone throws financial caution to the wind and contributes to supporting China as the world's greatest (and soon to be the only) source of manufacturing. To get back into the seasonal spirit, I thought it would be appropriate to revisit some of last years rants: l Can't Draw Bears How to Escape the Dreaded Office Pot-Luck Some Random Things That Annoy Me Why I Despise Christmas More Tragedy's With Mr. Snowman Tragic Holidays Too Political Snowfall And while were on the theme of Winter, just a friendly IT related reminder not to leave your consumerist electronic devices out in the cold.

For Immediate Release Coming in April 2014: Shortlist for uni-sex first and middle names: Higgs-Boson Quasar ("Higgy" for short) Nebular Organbank  Sagan Tiberius Aluminum Mallard  Trafalgar Metronome  Pulsar Hyper-Nova

I don't think anyone has undertaken such a thing, but I would be interested to see the results of a study on how many IT professionals suffer from serious depression, unresolved anger issues, suicidal tendencies or a general desire to liquidate the majority of the human race. In my many years in IT, one of my chief complaints is that a large minority of the users I have supported (that frequently take up the majority of my time) have absolutely no idea of the extreme toll that the dumb things they do (often repeated with alarming regularity despite our best efforts to train them otherwise) take on the poor overworked IT staff that try their best to support them. The worst offenders are a small (but vocal) few that are well aware of the pains they cause us, but are happy to make it known that they don't care. I'm sure many people in the IT industry feel the same frustration. Of course, come the New Order, such people will likely be marched off to special "resource...

As I think about it, Halloween really is the most enjoyable "holiday" out of all our stupid traditions. Carving pumpkins, dressing in whatever kind of costume you'd like, decorating your house to look all scary and randomly roaming the streets in the dark imposing on strangers for sweets... it's all rather fun. Even some mischief (namely egging, smashing pumpkins, and what not) is generally tolerated. The tradition is an old pagan one (and the only one thankfully that hasn't been corrupted by Christian influence... although some fringe elements try to have it cancelled every year). Pagans of course, always have the best holiday events. We should really introduce more.  In fact, I enjoyed Halloween so much when I was younger, the last time I went out, I was 18. Normally, trick or treating at that age, you'd get told to sod off... however, I went out as a woman (which wasn't all that convincing due to my beard) and everyone got such a laugh, my gro...

Today is the anniversary of a day that in the historical perspective, is no less important in the preservation of democracy than VE or VJ day. 208 years ago, Admiral Nelson and the Royal Navy defeated the fleet of Napoleon Bonaparte, who at the time, was making a very good go of making himself master of the world. The destruction of the combined French and Spanish fleets off the cape of Trafalgar ended Napoleons quest to invade the United Kingdom. It was an achievement on the same order of the RAF's victory over the Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain over a century later, and achieved similar results, namely the preservation of the parliamentary system we maintain and enjoy today. While the Napoleonic wars were to rage of for many more years, Nelson's victory at Trafalgar proved critical to the outcome of the war: namely, strangling the French economy, empowering our allies, permitting a rapid deployment of British troops and Wellington for his victory at Waterloo and u...

Thanksgiving, like most holidays, is another that I'd much rather avoid. And for anyone reading this, are you really all that surprised? Thanksgiving is like Christmas in many ways. There's all the long drives to family social obligations or if you're unfortunate enough to have to host it yourself, there's the mountains of dishes to clean up. It's only mildly better in that the decorations are slightly less tacky, nor is there an obligation to buy gifts... yet. I'm sure the marketing people at Walmart are looking at ways to cure that. I've never found anything about Thanksgiving even mildly enjoyable, especially not the food, which is really the whole point of it. I'm not a huge fan of turkey; certainly not enough to stomach 2 weeks of leftovers. I also dislike turnip, squash and the various marrow, harvest type vegetables. And of course, Thanksgiving gives host to one of my two most hated foods: pumpkin pie. I despise it. If pumpkin pie were a...

In this case Sgt. Pepper did not teach the band how to play... the Seattle grunge scene in the early to mid-90's wasn't really his thing. This is the 20th anniversary of the release of Nirvana's final studio album, In Utero . I can't compare it to The Fab Fours masterpiece other than to say, like Sgt. Peppers * before it, it was one among a list of albums that defined a generation, mine in particular. Others, including (to name just a few): Nirvana's Nevermind , Smashing Pumpkin's Siamese Dream and Pearl Jam's Ten ... are now going on their second decade after release. Anniversary's of many of these album releases often conjure up nostalgic memories of  those final fun years in high school... when I had more spares than actual classes and spent the time debating with good friends in the school library (or wherever we were out dodging classes) the merits of each new eagerly awaited release from our favourite bands. We'd scrounge up whatever l...

Humans are a funny lot. And not necessarily that "haha" kind of funny, more of the "oh, Lord no!" kind. I generally find in talking with people that they have all sorts of incredibly silly unrealistic expectations of things, which is understandable if the person you're conversing with happens to be six. After all, what six year old wouldn't want to grow up to be a rock-star astronaut that freelances as a professional Lego builder in their free time? Age (and the wisdom and experience that should come with it) proves to be no barrier though to stupid expectations... particularly when it comes to technology and when it happens to be a CEO or someone in the executive/managerial set. Part of these expectations have been set by the television and movie industry (that themselves have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy) that portray modern technology to be this fantastical, magical, thing that can fix any issue inside of a commercial break. Tha...

You will note that most of my blogs to this point have generally been of a less than serious vein and in regards to my actual vocation, I normally only reference to it with true anecdotes of amusing user mishaps. Do to a lack of writing material for the last couple of weeks however, I've decided to post a serious (for the most part... I still use amusing anecdotes and comments to emphasize my points) article on proper computer care and maintenance. I hope you techies will find it amusing... everyone else, I hope you read it, take it to heart and apply it (thus potentially making your IT support staff a little happier). So, without further ado: Proper Computer Care and Maintenance (or how I learned to love my computer) Maintaining your computer by observing proper home computer care will ensure that your computer is at optimum operating condition and provide you with many years of trouble free (for the most part) computing! The simple fact is that most people tend...

Released : June 24, 2011 Publisher : Squad Developer : Squad Platform : Windows, Mac, Linux Type : Space Flight Simulator Graphics : Narly Game Play : Narly Originality : Narly How many hours I’ve wasted : Narly Kerbal Space Program is an exciting and relatively new game I've been introduced to*. While it's not on my list of all time favourite games yet, it may very well soon be as I'm currently devoting most of my waking hours to it.  On that basis, it has been added to my girlfriends list of least favourite games of all time. Kerbal Space Program is a sandbox type game, which means there are no predefined goals and you can build and do pretty much whatever you want within the parameters of the game (Minecraft being another example of this). I enjoy these games because of the creativity they allow... it's like Lego, but for adults with a lot more flexibility and you don't have to worry about running out of pieces (or running out of cash buying pi...

...And here's the long awaited final chapter of our holiday saga. It's been a great deal more difficult writing about this last portion of our trip as much of it was spent racing around in a car... or drunk... or lying on the floor moaning after overeating too much great food. Loch Lomond Beautiful, crisp and clean... except for the odd plastic bag drifting along its banks. There's plenty to do around scenic Loch Lomond, although we didn't stop long as we were trying to push as far north in one day as we possibly could. Spoiling a great vista: Visitors please pick up your rubbish! Glen Coe Driving up and into Glen Coe is a breathtaking experience. The scenery is simply overwhelming and at times rather ominous. Glen Coe is of course best known for the brutal massacre that took place there in 1692. A good lesson for everyone: never be late, particularly when swearing your loyalty to new monarchs. What you don't see is here in this otherwise lovely p...