Xorton's Rant

New Years Eve is the contrived holiday I dislike the least.  Like Christmas, from a historical perspective, celebrating January 1st as the first day of the new year is a relatively recently invention. Until 1751, in England (and all British dominions), the first day of the new year was March 25th.  Regardless of the arbitrary nature of the tradition of New Years (I think the spring equinox makes more sense) it's still a good time (may as well since everyone else is doing it too) to take stock of the past year, forgive past transgressions and make resolutions for the coming year.  I rarely make comments on current events... but as per the intent of my cartoon (and as we've seen on numerous occasions over the last year) you never really know what's around the corner.  So, that said, the one thing I always try to do is this:  I try to enjoy myself most of the time and make sure that those around me are having a good laugh too... while still...

This is about the best I've been to manage. The rest look like some strange combination between an ewok and an ape.

Game : Omega Race Released : November 1981 Publisher : Midway Platform : Arcade, Atari 2600, Commodore VIC-20, 64 Type : Arcade Space Shooter Graphics : Meh Game Play : Narly Dude Originality : Meh How many hours I’ve wasted: Blank Eyed Soulless Stare The Nostalgia Factor : Meh “In the year 2003, the Omega System developed a method of training its warriors to protect their star colonies against Android forces over the city of Komar. Omega fighters raced to engage and destroy these aliens and the mines they planted. The Omega method is so successful, it command fear and respect from all throughout the galaxies. This method is code named OMEGA RACE.” From the Introduction on the game package. 2003 seemed so far away in 1981.  Omega Race was the second video game I ever played. The first was Space Invaders, also for the Commodore VIC-20 system (called Avenger on the Commodore)… but I originally played it on my uncle’s Texas Instruments TI-99/4 system (which is incide...

I like to make up my own words. It usually starts out with me mispronouncing something, then I make regular use of it to hide my own ignorance. I like to think I'm improving the English language by creating more versatile wordage. Here's some of my favourite creations and the definitions. I encourage everyone to start using them as frequently as possible: Modicrumb Noun Smaller than a modicum, particularly in regards to something stupid. "Borislav stuck a cheese sandwich in his CD drive again. That chap has less than modicrumb of intelligence and there are modicrumbs of bread stuck all over the motherboard."  Smowron Noun A type of person that becomes an utter and complete moron while driving as soon as there's a slight dusting of snow (or more) on the ground (regardless of how good the driving conditions actually are). Said individuals can be readily identified by their insistence on driving 30 kilometres an hour under the posted speed limit. They...

Yesterday I spoke about my hatred of office Christmas parties and potlucks. Many people cave into the peer pressure... but I'm here to give you some excellent excuses and techniques on how to avoid office Christmas functions while minimizing the potential repercussions: 1. Call in sick:  This is a long time favourite and one of the most used techniques. Its one drawback is that you'll only be able to use it a couple of times before suspicion is raised... and then you're in the dog house. The trick here is to take advantage of the human brains weaknesses (this will require a little research and finesse, but you'll find it's worth the effort). Most people have a very hard time recalling events to any degree of detail after they've occurred. Recent research has indicated that it's actually quite simple to plant convincing memories in most people. After the Christmas party and over the next few weeks, take note of events, food served and memorable mom...

Popcorn I hate popcorn. I love the smell of it, I just think as a delivery system for salt and butter, there are a lot of better potential options. It has no flavour, I dislike the hard and inedible left over kernel bits, and I dislike how it leaves a goozey* residue on your teeth. That said, I think the snack companies are missing out on a sizable niche market (the popcorn haters who want a pop corn like snack at the movies market) and need to come up with some sort of potato based "pop" product. It should be made in the traditional popcorn way, have a similar smell and be optimized to deliver a 50% increase in salt and butter content. I'd call them: "Popato Crunches". Am I on to something? * Goozey is a rather nice descriptive word (I think) I've just invented for the specific word I feel best describes the feeling of popcorn residue on your teeth. You're all welcome to use it, but remember, you saw it here first.  Office Christmas Part...

I find what most company's interpret as to what qualifies as a "Disaster Recovery Plan" to be quite humorous. Most "plans" I've seen over the years barely qualify as "Disaster Recovery Premises". Specifically, they're page upon page of useless suggestions that you might consider researching for an actual disaster recovery plan. The only use they could conceivably have is for burning if you'd lost access to heat and electricity for a prolonged period of time.  Of course, writing a potentially useful disaster recovery manual is a pretty heavy undertaking, so it's really no surprise that most company's seem to delegate this unenviable task to:  A consulting agency that for a surprisingly large sum will print you off (after a suitably long period of time) a generic disaster plan that they've printed off for everyone else they've ever done disaster planning for.  Someone who has no idea what a disaster recovery plan ...

As everyone knows, I'm not a big fan of Christmas. I generally prefer, as I have for years, to use the time catching up on my sleep.  What I find most annoying about Christmas, is the fact that most everyone else insists on enjoying it to the nth degree (and I just hate enjoying myself), and forcing others with a fanatical fascist enthusiasm into enjoying it as well, regardless of whether they want to or not.   Most people who feel the way I do end up buckling under the severe peer pressure, put on forced smiles and do their best to placate the Christmas Nazis. I'm of course slightly more honest with my opinions, and those who attempt to batter me with their overt Christmas enthusiasm are soon treated to a Christmas Carpet Bombing of anti-festive resentment and spite. If you sew the wind, be prepared to reap the whirlwind.  Of course, now going on my fifteenth year of having to blast out my rant on numerous occasions through the season, I have d...

Just read some sad news (well, for Star Trek and history buffs) that the USS Enterprise  CVN-65 (nicknamed  Big E ), the world's first nuclear aircraft carried has been deactivated in preparation for decommissioning and scrapping. Activated in 1962, she served for 51 years in the United States Navy, longer than any other aircraft carrier in history. Enterprise's  namesake was CV-6, one of the most decorated warships in history. Enterprise  CV-6 was a Yorktown class carrier that fought in many important battles in World War II, including the Battle of Midway and the only Yorktown class to survive the war. During the 80's, Enterprise  CVN-65 was featured in several films, most notably Top Gun , The Hunt for Red October and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (where USS Ranger stood in for her). Fans of ships named Enterprise  will need to wait until 2025, when the Gerald R Ford class carrier, CVN-80 will be officially be commissioned as the next ship ...

I created the above cartoon for a personal Christmas card... however, I felt it was perhaps going a bit too far (that doesn't happen too often), and re-jigged it to the one below:  I still prefer the top one. 

Those of you who know me, know of my passion for history. I particularly love coming across little known facts or incidents. I came across "The Dogger Bank Incident " this morning. It would be incredibly hilarious if three British fisherman hadn't been killed. Essentially a Russian fleet was it's way to the Pacific to reinforce the Russian Far East Squadron during the Russo-Japanese War (1904-1905) when it came across a British fishing fleet on the Dogger Bank in the North Sea. They mistook the British fishing trawlers for a Japanese fleet (thousands of miles away form the closest Japanese warships) and opened fire. In the confusion, the Russian fleet also opened fire on itself. This quote from the Times from the following day sums it up nicely: "It is almost inconceivable that any men calling themselves seamen, however frightened they might be, could spend twenty minutes bombarding a fleet of fishing boats without discovering the nature of their ta...

I hate warm climates. This cartoon was inspired by a personal experience. Most people who know me, know that I usually begin to fry after 5 minutes in the sun, or after the temperature climbs above 17 degrees Celsius. My favourite seasons are spring and autumn. The colder and more rain the better. I used to say "you couldn't pay be to visit a tropical island"... and then the company I was working for at the time paid for me to accompany them on a business trip to the Caribbean. "Don't worry about it." they said. "It's very temperate in November." they said. I should have guessed that I was in trouble when they opened the doors of the plane and the entire cabin was immediately enveloped in fog. It never dropped below 35 C and the humidity was at a constant 99 percent the entire time I was there. I spent almost the whole week in my air conditioned room, slowly going mad. There was no TV, and I hadn't thought to bring more than on...

I've read a lot of “Best Video Games of All time” articles over the years, but  I've  often been disappointed at the lack of comprehensiveness of the reviews.  I've  never seen one that lists many (if any) of my favourite games; they generally seem to focus on only a couple of genres or platforms and usually don’t go further back than the mid 90’s. That said, over the next few weeks (or whenever I’m feeling bored) I’ll be releasing my own evaluation of “the real best” video games of the last 30 years. Games will be rated on the following categories: Graphics (compared to other games of the period) Game Play (pace, interface) Originality (story, plot, style) How many hours  I've  wasted (Re- play-ability ) The Nostalgia Factor (Re-re- play-ability ) I’ll also be using my own rating system for the above categories based on a needlessly complicated and completely arbitrary point award system: Blargh (Bloody Awful) Meh ...

I originally created this cartoon in response to a request for a Christmas card for a company I used to work for. As the card could potentially be sent to hundreds of other companies, I naturally decided to tone down the "gruesomeness" factor for the final product. The original sketch had several drowned elvenfolk and reindeer floating face down  alongside other unsavory depictions of disaster... (okay, there were some indications of cannibalism). Despite the fact that I had been given the affirmative to proceed on the basis of the original sketch, the project was cancelled after presentation of my final drawing. It was deemed "too political" for a Christmas Card. I still find it amusing that my wee drawing was considered "too political" (it didn't even have one depiction of the Prophet Mohammed) while we're bombarded by images of starving children from Africa at the height of the Christmas season.

Given that we've had our first snowfall locally, despite that it's not December yet, I feel it's an appropriate time to start posting some of my winter themed cartoons. Most of them feature an unfortunate snowman who blunders into one tragedy after another. Life's funniest characters are tragic ones.

I find it fascinating that someone will spend five minutes in the loo making sure that their hair is perfect... yet for the same individual, 30 seconds spent washing their hands (after using the "facilities" by the way) is apparently a complete waste of time. This world is coming to a fine state when people value image over trace amounts of fecal matter on their hands... and incidentally, now their hair.

When Marc and I were drawing cartoons, we received enough rejections from publishers to wallpaper our apartment several times over. As a result, I drew this cartoon: Consequently, I think we've both become rather open to criticism and rejection and saw it as an opportunity to try to improve ourselves. I think we've also saw it as an open invitation to poke fun at the establishment. Decca turned down The Beatles after an audition in 1962 stating: "Guitar bands are on the way out". While I'm certainly not comparing ourselves with The Beatles, it certainly does show that the people who decide what is "hot" and what is "not", often can't tell the difference between their asses and a hole in the ground.

One of my pet peeves, particularly in a work or office setting is having my lunch delayed or interrupted by an unimportant matter that could easily be postponed for an while. I eat a very light breakfast, so I'm usually pretty darned ravenous by noon. For those of you who know me, know that I'm pretty serious about my food... and interrupting my lunch usually results in me becoming, shall we say, a little cantankerous. The list of things I consider unimportant, particularly in the context of interrupting lunch could fill its own dedicated blog. Here is what I consider important enough to interrupt or delay my lunch: An impending disaster, such as a fire, a nuclear strike, an alien invasion, Godzilla-like monster attack, or another similar such example.  I'm in the middle of moving something extremely heavy or working on something exceedingly dangerous that by interrupting said task, could result in a disaster such as those above.  Actually tha...

I've recently noted that what I would refer to as "instincts" potentially differ quite significantly from person to person. For example, self-preservation. Over  the years, I have actually witnessed the following cases where I have observed this missing instinct. Case #1: A large, heavy and particularly unstable filing cabinet need to be moved five feet. What I would do:  Without giving it much thought, I would remove the files and enlist the assistance in others in moving it. What I would not do:  I would not rock it back and forth by myself, frequently kicking it, swearing at it and punching it in a vain attempt to shift it a few inches. This would likely result in having it topple onto my head. This would be counterproductive and incidentally prove quite painful. Case #2: A bulb needs to be changed in a fluorescent lighting fixture. What I would do:  I would get a ladder and replace the bulb. What I would not do:...

I realize that while the following cartoon is atrociously corny, it however remains one of my favourites from the early days of collaborative cartooning with my friend Marc.

It's bad enough Christmas ads are now in full affect. Do people really need to start playing and whistling Christmas music? Come the New Order (and this will be documented fully in the manifesto) the following directives will be observed on penalty of severe punishment (without trial) including, but not limited to death: No Christmas music, Christmas "styled" music or music of a Christmas-like nature or spirit may be played, whistled, transmitted via radio or internet or otherwise made audible from Dec. 26 (of the current year) to Dec. 15 (of the following year).  Playing, creating, transmitting or otherwise making audible said music during the banned period will result in the following increasingly severe punishments as dolled out by the Anti-Christmas Police (a subsidiary of the Ministry of Attitude Correction):  First Offence: Transgressors lips will be stapled shut and hands will be sewn over their ears for a period of 16 days. 16 days in the pillory will fol...

My mum has had some really strange ideas over the years. Sometimes I think that women get to a certain age where they completely (and conveniently) forget any memories and experiences of being an adolescent. I recall being in Grade 7 (it was around this time of year) and the weather had turned quite bitterly cold. I'd outgrown my old winter clothes over the year and so it was time to get some new ones. My attentive mother went out shopping and came back with a bulky, blue, full body snow suit with powder/baby blue frills and collar. I imagine it's something Scott of the Antarctic would have worn...if he had suddenly and inexplicably turned incredibly gay. Anyway, it was quite awful. Now as everyone knows, Grade 7 (at least back in my day) was when people started becoming fashion conscious. Going to school in a snow suit, particularly one such as I've described was essentially a death sentence. Naturally I made quite a stink about not wearing it. She of course we...

And the world lets off a collective sigh of relief. Civilization will now continue for another four years. Don't take me the wrong way... I'm not a huge fan of Obama either. Perhaps I have no right to comment on the US political system (not being an American), but from an outside perspective, he doesn't seem to really do all that much other than attending far too many baseball games and hosting Paul McCartney concerts at the White House. Still, an American president that does nothing is better than an American president that does something. "Something" invariably leads to the invasion of a small country most Americans have never heard of until that moment. Under "Mittens" I think we could have expected the world to end by sometime in the middle of January as he simultaneously declared war on 20 countries and accidentally invaded another 15. American elections always remind me of the Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror VII" (hence the title ...

I saw my first Christmas advertisement for the season over the weekend. As I've stated before, personally I believe it's offensive to begin advertising for Christmas in November, particularly before Remembrance Day. If I came to power (I know of a few people that are praying that never comes to pass), all Christmas advertising of any kind would be banned until December 5th... on pain of death. I've heard people maintain that the death penalty doesn't work as a deterrent... maybe not on psychopaths (in which case it's merely an efficient way of disposing of a problem), but on greedy money grubbing corporate bastards, it might just be effective. They like their little creature comforts... so I imagine a hanging, drawing and quartering might come as a rude awakening for them. Anyhow, I'm getting off topic again. While I may not always agree with the political choices that direct our respective Commonwealth armed forces, I've always had the greatest re...

George Lucas' reign of terror has ended. The news that Lucas had sold Lucasfilm to the Disney Corporation and the announcement of a new trilogy has come as quite a shock to fandom, myself included. I'm for one just glad to see creative control wrested from that maniac hypocrite before he completely destroyed the original trilogy, although he's now a "Creative Consultant" for the franchise. Let's hope Disney doesn't listen to him too closely. That said, I find myself feeling cautiously optimistic. Disney did an excellent reboot of The Muppets. I'm hoping they can reverse some of the damage Lucas has done to his own creation. Things I'm Looking Forward to Seeing in a New Trilogy: Star Destroyers, Tie Fighter and Stromtroopers, huzzah! Admiral Thrawn (I'm hoping the new film are based on the Timothy Zahn Thrawn Trilogy).  Any of the Original Trilogy characters (it's probably best they re-cast as much as I'd like to see the ori...

Last week I promised a rant on Halloween (part of my wider war on fun). I was all set to complain about the over-commercialization of Halloween (as based on the cartoon above).  However, I find myself unable to rant. As a child (yes, I was one once), I actually enjoyed Halloween, probably in all likelihood because it was over-commercialized. I can only remember wearing a "traditional" costume twice: in Kindergarten I was a ghost, and later in Grade 3 I remember going as Count Dracula... although on that occasion most people thought I was some sort of biker in a cape with a speech impediment (because of the fake plastic teeth). You see, when it was time to go out trick or treating, it had got quite cold outside and my mum made me wear my "Michael Jackson" leather jacket over top of the costume. Every kid at school had one of those jackets. It was supposed to be cool. One kid even had one white glove... everyone was really jealous even though it was only a...

At the same unnamed company I worked for (as mentioned in the previous blog), a particularly enlightened manager thought that since I was so good at creating technical documentation, it would be an excellent idea for me to create a "How to" sheet with detailed instructions for the office fax machine. It wasn't that anyone was having any particular difficulty with it, she just thought it might be a good idea... just in case we hired someone that had never used a fax machine. Of course, in my opinion, if you can't figure out how to use a fax machine, your only use to society is as a by-product in cat chow. Anyhoo... here's the sheet I created and posted by the fax machine. No one noticed.

The following material was an actual office report I was asked to submit (and actually submitted) a good number of years ago at a company I used to work for. Tired of spending hours and hours exhaustively researching and compiling information, only to see the finished report sit neglected on my managers desk for several weeks before being discarded or simply filed away, I decided it wasn't worth the usual effort, and put some small effort into writing something amusing, more for the benefit of my sanity than anything else. So far as I know, this report is still sitting in a filing cabinet waiting to be discovered. ~ Xorton Contents 1.       Overview 2.       Office Issues / Recommendations 3.       Conclusion 1. Overview It has come to my attention that no one gives my reports any more attention than they would a homeless drifter or a squashed fly, and upon submission, they’re usually filed aw...

Here's a Halloween themed cartoon I did a few years ago. I'm not sure if I still find it all that funny, but I'm trying to stay seasonal. Next week I'll post one which has something to do with my traditional Halloween rant.

For years I have maintained that as computer games become more realistic, in particular with genres such as the "first person shooter", we will eventually reach a point where "virtual shell shock" will become reality. It sounds funny, but I've had a couple of experiences with this possibility myself. The first one was after an all night bout with Grand Theft Auto 3. I was driving home and as I drove by a pedestrian, it occurred to me as though it was the most natural thing in the world to drive over him. Of course I didn't, but it left me with a rather unsettling feeling... normally when I feel like driving over pedestrians it has nothing to do with video games. The second occurrence has been more recent. For those of you not familiar with the Minecraft craze that's been sweeping the planet, it's basically a super awesome "lego on steroids" game with Windows 95 era graphics. It's the most addictive activity I've encountered si...

Children's television can be such crap. Since I've started watching tv with my nephews, I notice it hasn't improved any over the years. I assume you have to make a lot of compromises with your artistic integrity (or do a lot of hard drugs) to write for children's television. Anyway... here's a cartoon I did a number of years ago about that abomination Barney and one of the imaginings I had as to what should happen to him:

Fun with Users This morning I had my usual Monday morning bout with a block-headed user. I needed to reset the password on their account as they (naturally) had forgotten it: Me: Ok, please sign into your computer. User: (Blank Stare). Me: I need you to log onto your computer. User: With my username of yours? Me: (Dumb-ass) With yours. At this point the user attempts (several times) to type their username in. At this point it becomes clear that a user that can barely remember their own username has little to no chance of remembering their password. Eventually they succeeded. Me: Ok, now type in "1234567" in the password field. You'll then be prompted to enter a new password. User: It's not typing. Me: You need to press the num-lock. User: Huh? Me: The number-lock. You need to press the number-lock... User: (Blank Stare). Me: (Crivvens). Allow me. Trafalgar Day I know it shouldn't surprise me at this point anymore, but it's still...

This picture demonstrates why I'm not a huge fan of unions: The poor guy was on the road for the better part of three weeks.

I've been asked lately why I chose the name "Xorton" for my rant. Originally I'd intended to use some obscure Simpsons or Family Guy reference, but all the good ones were already taken. "Xorton" is part of an experiment I came up with years ago and I thought it would be a fairly original name for my blog. My idea was to have someone name their child "Xorton the Conqueror" ("Xoritania" if it was a girl) and see how long it took before their progeny put an ax in the back of their heads. So far no one has volunteered for this ground breaking experiment... although a friend did use the name for their cat. I've also been asked why I use an "x" instead of a "z". Simply put: "x's" are cooler and no one takes anyone seriously who's name starts with a "z". "Zorton the Conqueror"? Pish. Get lost.

Another cartoon from a long time ago. I'm posting this one in honor of the 35th anniversary of the Voyager spacecraft launches. I've done my best to draw the Voyager probe accurately (if not exactly to scale).

As I was reviewing my old cartoons to find one to post today, I came across this one. Originally the comment was in reference to NASA's "Faster, Cheaper, Better" approach to space exploration in the 1990's (as a result of severe budget cuts). As a huge space enthusiast, I find myself severely disappointed that the spirit of this particular cartoon still finds itself to be an accurate satirical comment on the current state of the US space program. I've altered the comment to be a little less specific... I'm confident that it will likely still be accurate in another 20 years.

Back when I first started working many years ago, in addition to working as the "mail room boy" I was also tasked with ordering lunches for the staff every day. The company had a policy that if you worked through your unpaid lunch hour, the company would pick up the tab on lunch. At the time, this was a pretty sweet deal (I made minimum wage) however as I made more money and took on more responsibilities, I realized that it was basically a subtle way to get a cheap hour of labour out of the staff. As soon as I caught onto this, I started ordering the most expensive items on the menu or ordering a "starter" to go along with it. Most days I was fairly successful at exceeding my hourly salary and on many days I had enough food left over for dinner. It was quite a nice loophole while it lasted. A couple of years later I think they finally caught on to my little scheme, so they changed the office lunch policy. The free lunch was cancelled as it was apparently costi...