Xorton's Rant

New Years Eve is the contrived holiday I dislike the least.  Like Christmas, from a historical perspective, celebrating January 1st as the first day of the new year is a relatively recently invention. Until 1751, in England (and all British dominions), the first day of the new year was March 25th.  Regardless of the arbitrary nature of the tradition of New Years (I think the spring equinox makes more sense) it's still a good time (may as well since everyone else is doing it too) to take stock of the past year, forgive past transgressions and make resolutions for the coming year.  I rarely make comments on current events... but as per the intent of my cartoon (and as we've seen on numerous occasions over the last year) you never really know what's around the corner.  So, that said, the one thing I always try to do is this:  I try to enjoy myself most of the time and make sure that those around me are having a good laugh too... while still...

This is about the best I've been to manage. The rest look like some strange combination between an ewok and an ape.

Game : Omega Race Released : November 1981 Publisher : Midway Platform : Arcade, Atari 2600, Commodore VIC-20, 64 Type : Arcade Space Shooter Graphics : Meh Game Play : Narly Dude Originality : Meh How many hours I’ve wasted: Blank Eyed Soulless Stare The Nostalgia Factor : Meh “In the year 2003, the Omega System developed a method of training its warriors to protect their star colonies against Android forces over the city of Komar. Omega fighters raced to engage and destroy these aliens and the mines they planted. The Omega method is so successful, it command fear and respect from all throughout the galaxies. This method is code named OMEGA RACE.” From the Introduction on the game package. 2003 seemed so far away in 1981.  Omega Race was the second video game I ever played. The first was Space Invaders, also for the Commodore VIC-20 system (called Avenger on the Commodore)… but I originally played it on my uncle’s Texas Instruments TI-99/4 system (which is incide...

I like to make up my own words. It usually starts out with me mispronouncing something, then I make regular use of it to hide my own ignorance. I like to think I'm improving the English language by creating more versatile wordage. Here's some of my favourite creations and the definitions. I encourage everyone to start using them as frequently as possible: Modicrumb Noun Smaller than a modicum, particularly in regards to something stupid. "Borislav stuck a cheese sandwich in his CD drive again. That chap has less than modicrumb of intelligence and there are modicrumbs of bread stuck all over the motherboard."  Smowron Noun A type of person that becomes an utter and complete moron while driving as soon as there's a slight dusting of snow (or more) on the ground (regardless of how good the driving conditions actually are). Said individuals can be readily identified by their insistence on driving 30 kilometres an hour under the posted speed limit. They...

Yesterday I spoke about my hatred of office Christmas parties and potlucks. Many people cave into the peer pressure... but I'm here to give you some excellent excuses and techniques on how to avoid office Christmas functions while minimizing the potential repercussions: 1. Call in sick:  This is a long time favourite and one of the most used techniques. Its one drawback is that you'll only be able to use it a couple of times before suspicion is raised... and then you're in the dog house. The trick here is to take advantage of the human brains weaknesses (this will require a little research and finesse, but you'll find it's worth the effort). Most people have a very hard time recalling events to any degree of detail after they've occurred. Recent research has indicated that it's actually quite simple to plant convincing memories in most people. After the Christmas party and over the next few weeks, take note of events, food served and memorable mom...

Popcorn I hate popcorn. I love the smell of it, I just think as a delivery system for salt and butter, there are a lot of better potential options. It has no flavour, I dislike the hard and inedible left over kernel bits, and I dislike how it leaves a goozey* residue on your teeth. That said, I think the snack companies are missing out on a sizable niche market (the popcorn haters who want a pop corn like snack at the movies market) and need to come up with some sort of potato based "pop" product. It should be made in the traditional popcorn way, have a similar smell and be optimized to deliver a 50% increase in salt and butter content. I'd call them: "Popato Crunches". Am I on to something? * Goozey is a rather nice descriptive word (I think) I've just invented for the specific word I feel best describes the feeling of popcorn residue on your teeth. You're all welcome to use it, but remember, you saw it here first.  Office Christmas Part...

I find what most company's interpret as to what qualifies as a "Disaster Recovery Plan" to be quite humorous. Most "plans" I've seen over the years barely qualify as "Disaster Recovery Premises". Specifically, they're page upon page of useless suggestions that you might consider researching for an actual disaster recovery plan. The only use they could conceivably have is for burning if you'd lost access to heat and electricity for a prolonged period of time.  Of course, writing a potentially useful disaster recovery manual is a pretty heavy undertaking, so it's really no surprise that most company's seem to delegate this unenviable task to:  A consulting agency that for a surprisingly large sum will print you off (after a suitably long period of time) a generic disaster plan that they've printed off for everyone else they've ever done disaster planning for.  Someone who has no idea what a disaster recovery plan ...

As everyone knows, I'm not a big fan of Christmas. I generally prefer, as I have for years, to use the time catching up on my sleep.  What I find most annoying about Christmas, is the fact that most everyone else insists on enjoying it to the nth degree (and I just hate enjoying myself), and forcing others with a fanatical fascist enthusiasm into enjoying it as well, regardless of whether they want to or not.   Most people who feel the way I do end up buckling under the severe peer pressure, put on forced smiles and do their best to placate the Christmas Nazis. I'm of course slightly more honest with my opinions, and those who attempt to batter me with their overt Christmas enthusiasm are soon treated to a Christmas Carpet Bombing of anti-festive resentment and spite. If you sew the wind, be prepared to reap the whirlwind.  Of course, now going on my fifteenth year of having to blast out my rant on numerous occasions through the season, I have d...

Just read some sad news (well, for Star Trek and history buffs) that the USS Enterprise  CVN-65 (nicknamed  Big E ), the world's first nuclear aircraft carried has been deactivated in preparation for decommissioning and scrapping. Activated in 1962, she served for 51 years in the United States Navy, longer than any other aircraft carrier in history. Enterprise's  namesake was CV-6, one of the most decorated warships in history. Enterprise  CV-6 was a Yorktown class carrier that fought in many important battles in World War II, including the Battle of Midway and the only Yorktown class to survive the war. During the 80's, Enterprise  CVN-65 was featured in several films, most notably Top Gun , The Hunt for Red October and Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (where USS Ranger stood in for her). Fans of ships named Enterprise  will need to wait until 2025, when the Gerald R Ford class carrier, CVN-80 will be officially be commissioned as the next ship ...

I created the above cartoon for a personal Christmas card... however, I felt it was perhaps going a bit too far (that doesn't happen too often), and re-jigged it to the one below:  I still prefer the top one. 

Those of you who know me, know of my passion for history. I particularly love coming across little known facts or incidents. I came across "The Dogger Bank Incident " this morning. It would be incredibly hilarious if three British fisherman hadn't been killed. Essentially a Russian fleet was it's way to the Pacific to reinforce the Russian Far East Squadron during the Russo-Japanese War (1904-1905) when it came across a British fishing fleet on the Dogger Bank in the North Sea. They mistook the British fishing trawlers for a Japanese fleet (thousands of miles away form the closest Japanese warships) and opened fire. In the confusion, the Russian fleet also opened fire on itself. This quote from the Times from the following day sums it up nicely: "It is almost inconceivable that any men calling themselves seamen, however frightened they might be, could spend twenty minutes bombarding a fleet of fishing boats without discovering the nature of their ta...

I hate warm climates. This cartoon was inspired by a personal experience. Most people who know me, know that I usually begin to fry after 5 minutes in the sun, or after the temperature climbs above 17 degrees Celsius. My favourite seasons are spring and autumn. The colder and more rain the better. I used to say "you couldn't pay be to visit a tropical island"... and then the company I was working for at the time paid for me to accompany them on a business trip to the Caribbean. "Don't worry about it." they said. "It's very temperate in November." they said. I should have guessed that I was in trouble when they opened the doors of the plane and the entire cabin was immediately enveloped in fog. It never dropped below 35 C and the humidity was at a constant 99 percent the entire time I was there. I spent almost the whole week in my air conditioned room, slowly going mad. There was no TV, and I hadn't thought to bring more than on...

I've read a lot of “Best Video Games of All time” articles over the years, but  I've  often been disappointed at the lack of comprehensiveness of the reviews.  I've  never seen one that lists many (if any) of my favourite games; they generally seem to focus on only a couple of genres or platforms and usually don’t go further back than the mid 90’s. That said, over the next few weeks (or whenever I’m feeling bored) I’ll be releasing my own evaluation of “the real best” video games of the last 30 years. Games will be rated on the following categories: Graphics (compared to other games of the period) Game Play (pace, interface) Originality (story, plot, style) How many hours  I've  wasted (Re- play-ability ) The Nostalgia Factor (Re-re- play-ability ) I’ll also be using my own rating system for the above categories based on a needlessly complicated and completely arbitrary point award system: Blargh (Bloody Awful) Meh ...

I originally created this cartoon in response to a request for a Christmas card for a company I used to work for. As the card could potentially be sent to hundreds of other companies, I naturally decided to tone down the "gruesomeness" factor for the final product. The original sketch had several drowned elvenfolk and reindeer floating face down  alongside other unsavory depictions of disaster... (okay, there were some indications of cannibalism). Despite the fact that I had been given the affirmative to proceed on the basis of the original sketch, the project was cancelled after presentation of my final drawing. It was deemed "too political" for a Christmas Card. I still find it amusing that my wee drawing was considered "too political" (it didn't even have one depiction of the Prophet Mohammed) while we're bombarded by images of starving children from Africa at the height of the Christmas season.