Xorton's Rant

Stonehenge Stonehenge is fascinating, impressive, majestic, and awe inspiring... for exactly twenty minutes. Ten if it's raining. After that, it's just a bunch of large upturned rocks stuck in the ground. And you can only walk around it so many times. Here are my suggestions for making Stonehenge more entertaining (it really does need some 21st century flourishes): Continuous fireworks displays. Construct a large amusement ride around the stones. Build a large shopping centre arround it. Project scenes from the latest Hollywood blockbusters on the larger stones.  Ceremonial sacrifices performed hourly by druids on, you guessed it, French tourists.  Have someone carve large pictures of good looking, naked female celebrities on the outward facing stones.  Launch convicted criminals from a nearby trebuchet into the stones. Five quid to pull the lever... fun for the whole family.  Three words: "Angry Birds: Stonehenge" Go-go dancers rocking out on top...

Spinnaker tower on the Gunwharf Quays Not too many people can claim to have gotten a pretty bad sunburn in Portsmouth , England in April. I'm one of them. Aside from that, and once again, the hordes of rude, obnoxious and downright ugly French tourists, our time in Portsmouth was absolutely amazing. Portsmouth is a lovely, picturesque sea-side port town and has been Britain's main naval base since 1527... so there's a wee bit of history there. Of course, if you're not interested in ships, they have some lovely shops and restaurants too. I, of course visited for the history: HMS Victory HMS Victory , sans topmasts. She's much more impressive totally kitted out.  The Victory was the flagship of Admiral Horatio Nelson in which he commanded the spectacular victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar , ending Napoleon's dreams of invading England. Trafalgar was a very unfair fight for our adversaries... the French and Spanis...

I have four rules in regards to travelling: Don't travel anywhere that doesn't have a McDonald's restaurant.  Don't travel anywhere where you can't (at least at a cursory glance) blend into the local population.  Don't travel anywhere between the tropics of Cancer and Capricorn. Never bring an idiot with you when you travel; you can always pick one up when you arrive.* Now, this may seem a tad restrictive, but there are very good reasons why I follow these simple rules. To elaborate:  Having a case for only visiting locations with a McDonald's restaurant has two benefits: One, the country is economically and politically stable enough to support the franchise... in other words, it's probably not on the list of countries under a travel advisory. Two, McDonald's is fairly safe to eat (at least in the short term), and it's basically the same the world over.  So, if you're unable to eat the local cuisine because it doesn't agree wi...

If there is a subject I know less about than anything else in the universe, it's sports. When I was at school, I was always the last person to be picked for any team in PE class. My classmates would fight over who's turn it was to take on the person who would most likely secure their defeat in any match. During baseball games, they'd place me in "outfield". The only thing I know about the outfield is that it's apparently the farthest place from any action and the place I'd do the least damage. They'd quite happily let me wander around out there for what seemed hours. Sometimes they'd make gestures that I was supposed to come in or something. I couldn't tell because I couldn't hear them or see them all that clearly. Eventually they'd give up motioning to me and the game would carry on. I always supposed that if it was that important, they'd send someone out to get me. My Grandfather tried to get me involved in sports on a coupl...

The ability to make machines that can sustain flight at great speed and altitude over long periods is a wondrous achievement on the part of human ingenuity. It's only been just over a century since two bicycle shop owners started mankind down the path of heavier than air flight. Unfortunately, the means of conveyance for passengers hasn't improved much since then and doesn't quite come close to being wondrous*. Being hurtled through the air at hundreds of miles an hour, crammed into a small, cramped metal tube with poor food and inconsiderate morons is my least favourite part of going on holiday. It's made worse when your sleep is constantly interrupted by the pilot to inform you that there is still ongoing turbulence (no kidding), an announcement that takes ten minutes to say because it has to be repeated in French (the joy's of riding a Canadian air carrier), even when there are clearly no French speaking passengers on board. It con...