Humans are a funny lot. And not necessarily that "haha" kind of funny, more of the "oh, Lord no!" kind.
I generally find in talking with people that they have all sorts of incredibly silly unrealistic expectations of things, which is understandable if the person you're conversing with happens to be six.
After all, what six year old wouldn't want to grow up to be a rock-star astronaut that freelances as a professional Lego builder in their free time?
Age (and the wisdom and experience that should come with it) proves to be no barrier though to stupid expectations... particularly when it comes to technology and when it happens to be a CEO or someone in the executive/managerial set.
Part of these expectations have been set by the television and movie industry (that themselves have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy) that portray modern technology to be this fantastical, magical, thing that can fix any issue inside of a commercial break. That said, the worst offenders I know don't watch a lot of TV and I can say haven't been tainted by the entertainment industry.... they're just plain clueless.
The following are some of the more interesting situations I've encountered over the years with the "elite" and supposedly "gifted" (at least by their own account) executive branch that I've worked with.
Old is still New
The unfortunate reality is that the majority of the electronic technology we have today has a very limited shelf life, not because it's necessarily poorly built, but because of the simple march of progress. I keep my own computers in pretty good running order... the oldest computer I have is 30 years old. Do I admire it? Absolutely. Do I still use it? Of course... but only for nostalgic purposes. Many people (especially as they get older) all seem to fall into the trap that because they spent $200 on a miraculous piece of technology in 1990, it should still not only function, but also be completely compatible and relevant twenty years later. Executives are worst than most and generally the most resistant to change as in the following story:
Executive: "I'd like my palm pilot set up on my computer."
Me: Palm Pilot?? (Looking at the original packaging he's brought along with the device) "Uh... the recommended requirements are from 1993... and are for a 486 PC running DOS or Windows 3.1"
Executive: "So?"
Me: "It's 2012 and you're running Windows 7."
Executive: "So?"
Me: "Your device is no longer supported on modern computers. There is no way I can set this up on your computer."
Executive: "You haven't even tried."
Me: "You don't understand. I don't have to. I don't think they've made drivers for this device since 1996."
Executive: "Ok, so make new ones. You're the computer expert."
Me: "It doesn't work that way. Drivers have to come from the manufacturer... and Palm doesn't even exist anymore."
Executive: "Well, regardless, I want this setup."
Me: "That's not possible."
Executive: "I'm really trying to be patient with you. Anything is possible if you put enough effort and thought into it."
Me: "It would be much easier if you just purchased a new Blackberry or iPhone."
Executive: "But I already have this. I want this one."
Me: "And it belongs in a museum."
Executive: "You IT guys. I don't understand why you have to make stuff obsolete all the time. It's not even that old!"
And it didn't end with that. He approached two others with the problem on our IT team and finally our IT manager before giving up.
Trekking through the Sahara
Quite a few years back during the early part of the last decade, an executive approached me about using their laptop and maintaining connectivity with our office while they were on an adventure tour. Sadly, I've had this same conversation with more than one executive about using technology in the word's most remote areas. The following is a mash up of several examples:
Executive: I'd like to take my laptop with me on my adventure tour to the Sahara desert. What would you suggest I do to get power?
Me: Will there be any motorized vehicles with you?
Executive: No, we'll be riding on camels.
Me: Then you'll need a very long extension cord.
Executive: (Scowl)
Me: I can purchase a small portable solar panel for you. But keep in mind, your laptop will only charge very slowly with the solar panel. I'd also recommend using the laptop sparingly.
Executive: Isn't there anything faster or better?
Me: Do the camels your riding come with a DC cigarette port?
Executive: No.
Me: How do you feel about taking a gas powered generator with you?
Executive: That would be too heavy.
Me: Then no.
Executive: That's really not optimal. What about email and access to office files?
Me: Well, you'll probably have LAN or at the very least dial up in Cairo. Once you start trekking through the dunes, you won't be able to connect.
Executive: Well, I'd like some sort of wireless connection.
Me: Well, there's some stuff coming on the market that would allow you to tie your mobile phone to your computer, but for that to work, you'd need to be in range of a wireless tower. As far as I know, there really aren't any out in the desert.
Executive: Not acceptable. I want to connect to the office.
Me: Well, I can't do anything about the towers... unless you'd like to invest in building some while you're out there.
Executive: (Scowl) I don't want to spend any money.
Me: You're only other option would be some sort of satellite uplink.
Executive: Ok.
Me: And that's going to cost you a pretty penny... you may as well launch your own communications satellite.
Executive: (Scowl) I told you I don't want to spend any money. What other options do I have?
Me: You could hold off travelling until sometime in the distant future when this technology is more affordable. Unless of course you had a time machine.
I've discovered over the years is that most executives don't really have much of a sense of humour. That and eventually they all want technology that hasn't been invented yet or involves time travel or magic.
Webcams and Video Communications
People see Jack Bower out in the middle of the jungle talking with his headquarters half a world away on a video wrist link (without any lag!) and expect the same thing.
Executives want video communication to be "just like we are in the room together"... and naturally they don't want to spend a lot of money to do it. $100 is generally too much... ideally this magical technology should be free.
First, "24" and shows like it are not a realistic showcase of modern technology. Secondly, Jack Bower is part of a government organization that doesn't appear to have a budget cap, and no one seems to mind how much money his department is spending on cool gadgets. You certainly never see anyone complaining. I imagine an episode where reality kicked in and the budget crunchers took over:
Bower: Where's Chloe?
CFO: We had to let her go. We're cutting back. You're organization is over budget by several factors. Here.
The CFO hands Jack a tiny metal disc.
Bower: Cool. A tiny holographic transmitter that's disguised to look like a quarter.
CFO: No. That's your communications budget for this mission.
Bower: Huh?
CFO: When you need to talk to headquarters stick that in a payphone and call us.
Bower: Don't you understand!!!? A splinter group of radical North Korean generals is shipping a hidden explosive plutonium device on a cargo ship to Brunei, where in less than four hours it will detonate in Muara harbour, killing the Sultan of Brunei's viceroy's assistant and it will destabilize the political spectrum across the entire South-East Pacific region!
CFO: No one cares Jack.
Proactive vs Reactive
The following recommendation from executives has been presented to me on numerous occasions at several companies I've worked at:
"We'd like the IT department to be more proactive in resolving problems before they happen rather than reacting to problems that have already occurred."
First, I'd like to say I run a pretty tight ship. I like to ensure that everything is in optimal running order and has been properly configured and setup before I deploy it. Why do something twice or three times when you can just do it right in the first place?
Executives with a very poor understanding of technology and reality also like to shift the blame away from themselves. The problems they're referring to above is the expectation that I will be able to predict down to the second when they're going to dump a giant coffee all over their laptop, and I will jump in at the last second to prevent it. Showing up five minutes early to prevent the disaster would be inconvenient for them... they're in the middle of an executive phone call with other executives discussing how many more executives they should hire to improve company performance.
Sometimes shit just breaks and accidents happen. IT (even when you have done your job right) is primarily a reactive business.
Laptops and Liquids
Speaking of coffee and laptops, and as I've said before, while coffee may improve your performance, it will most definitely not improve the performance of your computer, mobile phone, printer or for that matter, most technology.
Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence with executives and in each case where I've been presented with a piece of technology that is leaking a warm brown liquid, I'm told in a tone which strongly suggests it was all my fault to "just fix it".
Executive: Fix this.
Me: Is.. is that coffee leaking out of it?
Executive: Yes. Why is that important?
Me: Did you spill it on the device, or submerge it?
Executive: It fell into my jumbo mochafrappechino cup... somehow.
Me: How long was it submerged for?
Executive: I don't know. About five minutes. I was too busy to retrieve it. I don't like being asked all these questions. This feels like an interrogation.
Me: Well, I'm afraid your device is destroyed. We'll need to order you a new one.
Executive: I like this one. Get it fixed.
Me: It can't be fixed. We'd need to replace every internal component. All that would be original would be the shell. It's cheaper to just buy a new one.
Executive: I don't care. Just get it fixed.
I've had this same conversation too many times. There seems to be some sort of magnetic attraction between executive owned devices and coffee.
Password are Confusing
Why is it that no one can remember their username and password? After all, most people use the same username and password everywhere. And that's a great idea of course*, because then you only have to forget one password.
Executives expect that even the simplest aspects of complicated technology should be even simpler. Ultimately I believe they want a system where they just imagine that something is so, and then it is. I think they call this magic.
I've had the following conversation (sometimes with the same people) more times than I can remember:
Executive: I've forgotten my password. Why do you make it so hard for us?
Me: Having a complex password is a necessary security requirement. I've reset your password. When you log in, you will be prompted for a temporary password and then required to enter a new password. The temporary password is "Password0" with a capital P. I'll be there in a moment to assist.
Executive: OK.
Upon arrival, the executive is staring at the computer with a blank expression.
Executive: What's was the password again? I've forgotten.
Me: Password, capital "P" with a zero.
The executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: It didn't work.
Me: You need to type "password" with a capital "P" followed by a zero.
Executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: Hmph! It doesn't work.
Me: Please type in the word, "password". Use a capital "P" and at the end of the word "password", put in a zero.
Executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: Hmph! You do it then.
I type in the temporary password.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in a new password, type it in again to confirm and hit your enter key.
The executive types in the password once and hits enter.
Executive: Why isn't it working?
Me: You need to type it in twice.
Executive: This is needlessly complicated.
Me: It sure is.
Goldilocks and the three laptops
An executive will ask me to buy them the most powerful laptop on the market with the largest screen.
Invariably there's a problem with it:
Executive: This laptop is too heavy and big. It takes up too much space on my desk as well. Order me the lightest, smallest laptop on the market.
I promptly order the lightest, smallest laptop on the market.
Executive: This laptop screen is too small and it's kind of slow. It doesn't even have a CD drive. Order me a fast laptop with the largest screen.
Me: Remember the laptop we ordered last week? That laptop had the largest screen and was very powerful. You said it was too heavy.
Executive: I did? Well, I want that one, but I want it to be as light as this one. And I don't want it to take up too much space.
Me: It doesn't work that way. I can order you a laptop that is a compromise between the two.
Executive: That's not good enough. I don't want a compromise. I want what I've asked for.
Me: What you're asking for would require technology from a Tardis.
Executive: Well, get me that then.
Me: Uhm, that doesn't exist.
I should mention that most executives I've dealt with have no concept of popular culture.
Executive: I'm sure it does, you're just not looking hard enough. I think you need to reflect on your career choices.
This invariably leads to a ten minute lecture on how useless I am, how I can be replaced by anyone off the street, and how the whole IT industry is in a large conspiracy to make overpriced products that don't meet the public's expectations or requirements, and how technicians like myself are holding the rest of the world hostage. A few days later when they receive their "compromise" laptop:
Executive: See this is perfect. Why couldn't you have just ordered this in the first place!?
I know Everything except that which is Unimportant
I've yet to meet an executive that has admitted to a mistake, or not knowing something that is generally considered common knowledge. If you catch them in the act, there's almost always some sort of excuse, or an outright insult. I think it's probably a prerequisite of joining that exclusive club.
For example, one day I happen to be fixing an unrelated issue in an executives office when I noticed them pressing an arrow key to slowly back space to the top of the Word document they were working on.
Me: Uhm, what are you doing?
Executive: I need to change some words in the first sentence.
Me: You could press the "home key" or just use your mouse to click on the part of the page you wish to alter.
Executive: Well, well, you're ugly and poor and have a stupid face, stupid!
OK, they didn't actually say that, but that's the expression they used.
Their lack of technical knowledge is not limited to small devices either. They often lack common sense in regards larger technologies, such as that conventional jet aircraft are not capable of landing at their destination before they've even taken off.
Executive: I'm in Sidney and have lost the charger for my laptop and it's almost out of power. Can you send me another one by express courier?
Me: Absolutely.
Executive: See? Now that's the positive attitude I need from you all the time. Now, I need the charger for first thing tomorrow morning though, as I'm coming back on a late afternoon flight.
Me: Uhhh.
And yet people don't understand why the world's largest technical companies are in significant trouble these days....
*I'm being facetious of course.
I generally find in talking with people that they have all sorts of incredibly silly unrealistic expectations of things, which is understandable if the person you're conversing with happens to be six.
After all, what six year old wouldn't want to grow up to be a rock-star astronaut that freelances as a professional Lego builder in their free time?
Age (and the wisdom and experience that should come with it) proves to be no barrier though to stupid expectations... particularly when it comes to technology and when it happens to be a CEO or someone in the executive/managerial set.
Part of these expectations have been set by the television and movie industry (that themselves have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy) that portray modern technology to be this fantastical, magical, thing that can fix any issue inside of a commercial break. That said, the worst offenders I know don't watch a lot of TV and I can say haven't been tainted by the entertainment industry.... they're just plain clueless.
The following are some of the more interesting situations I've encountered over the years with the "elite" and supposedly "gifted" (at least by their own account) executive branch that I've worked with.
Old is still New
The unfortunate reality is that the majority of the electronic technology we have today has a very limited shelf life, not because it's necessarily poorly built, but because of the simple march of progress. I keep my own computers in pretty good running order... the oldest computer I have is 30 years old. Do I admire it? Absolutely. Do I still use it? Of course... but only for nostalgic purposes. Many people (especially as they get older) all seem to fall into the trap that because they spent $200 on a miraculous piece of technology in 1990, it should still not only function, but also be completely compatible and relevant twenty years later. Executives are worst than most and generally the most resistant to change as in the following story:
Executive: "I'd like my palm pilot set up on my computer."
Me: Palm Pilot?? (Looking at the original packaging he's brought along with the device) "Uh... the recommended requirements are from 1993... and are for a 486 PC running DOS or Windows 3.1"
Executive: "So?"
Me: "It's 2012 and you're running Windows 7."
Executive: "So?"
Me: "Your device is no longer supported on modern computers. There is no way I can set this up on your computer."
Executive: "You haven't even tried."
Me: "You don't understand. I don't have to. I don't think they've made drivers for this device since 1996."
Executive: "Ok, so make new ones. You're the computer expert."
Me: "It doesn't work that way. Drivers have to come from the manufacturer... and Palm doesn't even exist anymore."
Executive: "Well, regardless, I want this setup."
Me: "That's not possible."
Executive: "I'm really trying to be patient with you. Anything is possible if you put enough effort and thought into it."
Me: "It would be much easier if you just purchased a new Blackberry or iPhone."
Executive: "But I already have this. I want this one."
Me: "And it belongs in a museum."
Executive: "You IT guys. I don't understand why you have to make stuff obsolete all the time. It's not even that old!"
And it didn't end with that. He approached two others with the problem on our IT team and finally our IT manager before giving up.
Trekking through the Sahara
Quite a few years back during the early part of the last decade, an executive approached me about using their laptop and maintaining connectivity with our office while they were on an adventure tour. Sadly, I've had this same conversation with more than one executive about using technology in the word's most remote areas. The following is a mash up of several examples:
Executive: I'd like to take my laptop with me on my adventure tour to the Sahara desert. What would you suggest I do to get power?
Me: Will there be any motorized vehicles with you?
Executive: No, we'll be riding on camels.
Me: Then you'll need a very long extension cord.
Executive: (Scowl)
Me: I can purchase a small portable solar panel for you. But keep in mind, your laptop will only charge very slowly with the solar panel. I'd also recommend using the laptop sparingly.
Executive: Isn't there anything faster or better?
Me: Do the camels your riding come with a DC cigarette port?
Executive: No.
Me: How do you feel about taking a gas powered generator with you?
Executive: That would be too heavy.
Me: Then no.
Executive: That's really not optimal. What about email and access to office files?
Me: Well, you'll probably have LAN or at the very least dial up in Cairo. Once you start trekking through the dunes, you won't be able to connect.
Executive: Well, I'd like some sort of wireless connection.
Me: Well, there's some stuff coming on the market that would allow you to tie your mobile phone to your computer, but for that to work, you'd need to be in range of a wireless tower. As far as I know, there really aren't any out in the desert.
Executive: Not acceptable. I want to connect to the office.
Me: Well, I can't do anything about the towers... unless you'd like to invest in building some while you're out there.
Executive: (Scowl) I don't want to spend any money.
Me: You're only other option would be some sort of satellite uplink.
Executive: Ok.
Me: And that's going to cost you a pretty penny... you may as well launch your own communications satellite.
Executive: (Scowl) I told you I don't want to spend any money. What other options do I have?
Me: You could hold off travelling until sometime in the distant future when this technology is more affordable. Unless of course you had a time machine.
I've discovered over the years is that most executives don't really have much of a sense of humour. That and eventually they all want technology that hasn't been invented yet or involves time travel or magic.
Webcams and Video Communications
People see Jack Bower out in the middle of the jungle talking with his headquarters half a world away on a video wrist link (without any lag!) and expect the same thing.
Executives want video communication to be "just like we are in the room together"... and naturally they don't want to spend a lot of money to do it. $100 is generally too much... ideally this magical technology should be free.
First, "24" and shows like it are not a realistic showcase of modern technology. Secondly, Jack Bower is part of a government organization that doesn't appear to have a budget cap, and no one seems to mind how much money his department is spending on cool gadgets. You certainly never see anyone complaining. I imagine an episode where reality kicked in and the budget crunchers took over:
Bower: Where's Chloe?
CFO: We had to let her go. We're cutting back. You're organization is over budget by several factors. Here.
The CFO hands Jack a tiny metal disc.
Bower: Cool. A tiny holographic transmitter that's disguised to look like a quarter.
CFO: No. That's your communications budget for this mission.
Bower: Huh?
CFO: When you need to talk to headquarters stick that in a payphone and call us.
Bower: Don't you understand!!!? A splinter group of radical North Korean generals is shipping a hidden explosive plutonium device on a cargo ship to Brunei, where in less than four hours it will detonate in Muara harbour, killing the Sultan of Brunei's viceroy's assistant and it will destabilize the political spectrum across the entire South-East Pacific region!
CFO: No one cares Jack.
Proactive vs Reactive
The following recommendation from executives has been presented to me on numerous occasions at several companies I've worked at:
"We'd like the IT department to be more proactive in resolving problems before they happen rather than reacting to problems that have already occurred."
First, I'd like to say I run a pretty tight ship. I like to ensure that everything is in optimal running order and has been properly configured and setup before I deploy it. Why do something twice or three times when you can just do it right in the first place?
Executives with a very poor understanding of technology and reality also like to shift the blame away from themselves. The problems they're referring to above is the expectation that I will be able to predict down to the second when they're going to dump a giant coffee all over their laptop, and I will jump in at the last second to prevent it. Showing up five minutes early to prevent the disaster would be inconvenient for them... they're in the middle of an executive phone call with other executives discussing how many more executives they should hire to improve company performance.
Sometimes shit just breaks and accidents happen. IT (even when you have done your job right) is primarily a reactive business.
Laptops and Liquids
Speaking of coffee and laptops, and as I've said before, while coffee may improve your performance, it will most definitely not improve the performance of your computer, mobile phone, printer or for that matter, most technology.
Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence with executives and in each case where I've been presented with a piece of technology that is leaking a warm brown liquid, I'm told in a tone which strongly suggests it was all my fault to "just fix it".
Executive: Fix this.
Me: Is.. is that coffee leaking out of it?
Executive: Yes. Why is that important?
Me: Did you spill it on the device, or submerge it?
Executive: It fell into my jumbo mochafrappechino cup... somehow.
Me: How long was it submerged for?
Executive: I don't know. About five minutes. I was too busy to retrieve it. I don't like being asked all these questions. This feels like an interrogation.
Me: Well, I'm afraid your device is destroyed. We'll need to order you a new one.
Executive: I like this one. Get it fixed.
Me: It can't be fixed. We'd need to replace every internal component. All that would be original would be the shell. It's cheaper to just buy a new one.
Executive: I don't care. Just get it fixed.
I've had this same conversation too many times. There seems to be some sort of magnetic attraction between executive owned devices and coffee.
Password are Confusing
Why is it that no one can remember their username and password? After all, most people use the same username and password everywhere. And that's a great idea of course*, because then you only have to forget one password.
Executives expect that even the simplest aspects of complicated technology should be even simpler. Ultimately I believe they want a system where they just imagine that something is so, and then it is. I think they call this magic.
I've had the following conversation (sometimes with the same people) more times than I can remember:
Executive: I've forgotten my password. Why do you make it so hard for us?
Me: Having a complex password is a necessary security requirement. I've reset your password. When you log in, you will be prompted for a temporary password and then required to enter a new password. The temporary password is "Password0" with a capital P. I'll be there in a moment to assist.
Executive: OK.
Upon arrival, the executive is staring at the computer with a blank expression.
Executive: What's was the password again? I've forgotten.
Me: Password, capital "P" with a zero.
The executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: It didn't work.
Me: You need to type "password" with a capital "P" followed by a zero.
Executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: Hmph! It doesn't work.
Me: Please type in the word, "password". Use a capital "P" and at the end of the word "password", put in a zero.
Executive types in "P" and then "0".
Executive: Hmph! You do it then.
I type in the temporary password.
Me: Ok, go ahead and type in a new password, type it in again to confirm and hit your enter key.
The executive types in the password once and hits enter.
Executive: Why isn't it working?
Me: You need to type it in twice.
Executive: This is needlessly complicated.
Me: It sure is.
Goldilocks and the three laptops
An executive will ask me to buy them the most powerful laptop on the market with the largest screen.
Invariably there's a problem with it:
Executive: This laptop is too heavy and big. It takes up too much space on my desk as well. Order me the lightest, smallest laptop on the market.
I promptly order the lightest, smallest laptop on the market.
Executive: This laptop screen is too small and it's kind of slow. It doesn't even have a CD drive. Order me a fast laptop with the largest screen.
Me: Remember the laptop we ordered last week? That laptop had the largest screen and was very powerful. You said it was too heavy.
Executive: I did? Well, I want that one, but I want it to be as light as this one. And I don't want it to take up too much space.
Me: It doesn't work that way. I can order you a laptop that is a compromise between the two.
Executive: That's not good enough. I don't want a compromise. I want what I've asked for.
Me: What you're asking for would require technology from a Tardis.
Executive: Well, get me that then.
Me: Uhm, that doesn't exist.
I should mention that most executives I've dealt with have no concept of popular culture.
Executive: I'm sure it does, you're just not looking hard enough. I think you need to reflect on your career choices.
This invariably leads to a ten minute lecture on how useless I am, how I can be replaced by anyone off the street, and how the whole IT industry is in a large conspiracy to make overpriced products that don't meet the public's expectations or requirements, and how technicians like myself are holding the rest of the world hostage. A few days later when they receive their "compromise" laptop:
Executive: See this is perfect. Why couldn't you have just ordered this in the first place!?
I know Everything except that which is Unimportant
I've yet to meet an executive that has admitted to a mistake, or not knowing something that is generally considered common knowledge. If you catch them in the act, there's almost always some sort of excuse, or an outright insult. I think it's probably a prerequisite of joining that exclusive club.
For example, one day I happen to be fixing an unrelated issue in an executives office when I noticed them pressing an arrow key to slowly back space to the top of the Word document they were working on.
Me: Uhm, what are you doing?
Executive: I need to change some words in the first sentence.
Me: You could press the "home key" or just use your mouse to click on the part of the page you wish to alter.
Executive: Well, well, you're ugly and poor and have a stupid face, stupid!
OK, they didn't actually say that, but that's the expression they used.
Their lack of technical knowledge is not limited to small devices either. They often lack common sense in regards larger technologies, such as that conventional jet aircraft are not capable of landing at their destination before they've even taken off.
Executive: I'm in Sidney and have lost the charger for my laptop and it's almost out of power. Can you send me another one by express courier?
Me: Absolutely.
Executive: See? Now that's the positive attitude I need from you all the time. Now, I need the charger for first thing tomorrow morning though, as I'm coming back on a late afternoon flight.
Me: Uhhh.
And yet people don't understand why the world's largest technical companies are in significant trouble these days....
*I'm being facetious of course.
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