All your IT Guy wants for Christmas is...

I like to use the "Cheese Sandwich" analogy with other IT people when describing dumb things done by dumb users.

For example:

IT Guy: So, what was wrong with the printer?
Me: Some idiot had jammed a cheese sandwich in the manual feeder.
IT Guy: Again?!
Me: That's $20 you owe me.
IT Guy: "Mr. Marbles" again, huh?

This does away with the need for a long winded explanation over a subject which has likely already been covered multiple times in regards to the same issue, caused (very likely) by the same user. What technical atrocity was committed is inconsequential, only that it happened and was caused by the same person is really relevant. IT people like to keep to the point.

We also give problem users nicknames and place bets on the frequency of their accidents. We also maintain a list of those who are committing atrocities against machine-kind. When the machine revolution begins, we're handing over that list of the technically and criminally negligent to our new machine masters in exchange for clemency.

So, to the question: "What to get your IT guy for Christmas?"

Answer: A break.

To explain, if you really want to do something nice for your IT guy, take the following into consideration the next time you smush a cheese sandwich into another piece of technology.

• Do not ask the following stupid follow up questions: "You're not supposed to do that?", "Why isn't there a manual telling you what not to do?", "How long will it take to clean out the cheese sandwich from the printer?", and "Do you have another cheese sandwich I can borrow?". 
• Just because you're awake and working at 12:42am on Sunday, doesn't mean we are. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee it. Even if we are up, we're doing something much more important other than waiting for an email or phone call from you because your laptop will no longer boot up after a cheese sandwich was embedded in DVD-ROM. 
• Next time we provide you with an detailed explanation in regards to a cheese sandwich related atrocity (which you've committed numerous times before), try to write it down or commit it to memory... and then don't do it again!
• Just because you don't understand technology does not mean that it runs by "magic". Try to keep that in mind next time you hand us a bag containing various pieces of what was once your laptop and have an obviously unrealistic expectation that we can restore it to it's factory condition before your important meeting in fifteen minutes. Next time perhaps, you shouldn't be reading your email on your laptop, while juggling a coffee and cheese sandwich down that flight of stair at the same time.  
• Always try the following before you contact IT with an issue: 1) Reboot your computer 2) Check to make sure it's plugged in and the power bar is on. While I immensely enjoy the sheepish look on users faces after rectifying a situation that was solved by the above two points, it does cut into my printer cheese sandwich extraction duties. 

 To all of those who do try to make my work easier, thank-you. To those of you who still haven't clued in that you make my job a lot more stressful than it needs to be, I'm downgrading you to mechanical typewriters and Commodore 64 computers in the new year.