My usual response is: "My pockets hurt." a reference to an episode of the Simpsons, where Homer (who is suffering from the onset of a nervous breakdown) responds to the question on how he is feeling from Marge.
You see, Iona is trying to kill me... or at least permanently cripple me through deliberate torture. She's playing it out nice and slow and reveling in every moment of it.
How does a six month old kill you?
- She ensures that I only have an average of 2 hours a sleep a day to her 14. On a couple of occasions, my girlfriend has returned home to find me semi-conscious, sprawled upon the floor as Iona gleefully plays on top of me (by play, I mean kicking and punching me).
- She mercilessly beats and abuses me at every opportunity and has strategically discovered all my weak spots by punching, kicking and clawing every inch of my body... the spots that solicit the loudest screams of agony get revisited. Her particular favourites: Eyes, throat, spleen, kidneys, testicles and nipples. She's also perfecting her Glasgow kiss technique. I anticipate a broken nose within the month.
- She insists on having me help her walk everywhere by holding her arms so she can explore the house (crawling is apparently for cats and imbeciles), slowly crippling my back.
This is of course only the opening volley. As her strength and aim improve, I'm sure she'll invent better methods and weapons. I'm not entirely sure how the final coup de grace will come, but I'm certain it will be entertaining and painful.
Still, it's better then working. On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know where I can find some baby-strength chloroform?
Seriously, Iona and I are actually doing quite well. We have our good days and bad, but it's still very rewarding. For those that are part of the Official Iona Fan Club, here's some recent achievements:
- Her weight is 18 lbs, 2 ounces.
- She's now 28.5 inches tall.
- She's capable of crawling, but recognizes it's an inefficient method of locomotion.
- She's sitting up on her own.
- She's pulling herself up and standing while holding onto things.
- She's walking with assistance.
- She's been on solids for a month now and wolfs down a sizable lunch and dinner.
- She's "talking", but from what I can gather, it's mostly complaints.
Keeping with my habit of posting only obstructed pictures of Iona, here is one from last week. We were coming home from our Early Years program, when there was a blast of rather loud complaints from the back seat. When we'd pulled into the garage, I discovered that she'd pulled her hat down over her eyes and wasn't particularly impressed that she couldn't get it back up.
For those interested in pictures with an unobstructed view of Iona in all her cuteness, please email me.
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