Being as Iona was starting a trial run at daycare this past week, I finally had a few hours in which to construct and shoot the sets for our Buskar the Bear tale.
"I finally crushed that stupid truck you've been protecting." Iona interjected.
"Yes dear, I know, the Hummer. It doesn't matter anyway, we finished the picture shoot."
"It doesn't matter anymore? Damn."
"You know, little girls of your age shouldn't use words like that." I scolded.
"&*$@ you. Don't make me hit you again." Iona threatened shaking her little fist.
"Now, now. You'll enjoy this one dear."
"I'd better!" Iona scowled.
And with that, let's begin our story:
Buskar the Bear was terribly drunk.
Terribly, terribly drunk.
But that of course was his usual state. He always went about saying: "If you're not drinking, you're probably thinking... which in my experience just gets you into trouble." And for Buskar that was quite correct.
Of course, if you bumped into Buskar in the afternoon, you wouldn't be able to understand him at any rate as by that point in the day, his words had generally became too slurred for comprehension. Most people just nodded politely at the appropriate silences and hoped for the best. He could become quite belligerent if you disagreed with him accidentally.
Not that an angry Buskar was all that dangerous. Just unpleasant. Most of the time he would stand up as if to attack you, pee himself and then fall unconscious on the floor.
Now, on this particular day, Buskar was at his usual watering hole and had really outdone himself with the alcohol consumption. It wasn't even noon and he had already peed himself several times and was shouting abuse at all the other regulars! The proprietor had invited, er, insisted that Buskar should go home.
Of course, Buskar didn't have his own vehicle... he'd never been sober long enough to sit a road test! So he called his friend Roger Rhino on his mobile.
"Hello?" said Roger.
"Shhhhh. Yeshshshs. Buuhshk."
"I'm sorry, you'll have to repeat yourself. I didn't quite catch that."
"Yesh, ish Bushkar Beash!"
"Oh, hello Buskar."
"Yoush hash to come pish me up and take meesh home."
"Sorry Buskar, I'm rather in the middle of something right now, but I'm starting my bus route in about a half and hour and seeing as it goes by the pub, I'll give you a lift once I get there."
Roger was the safest driver in the Toy Chest, and therefore the most qualified to drive the Toy Chest's only bus. Of course, Roger was the safest driver on the basis that he never drove faster than a snail could slither. His entire route would often take Roger several days to complete.
"No time. Pish me up nowsh!"
"Goodbye Buskar. I will pick you up later."
And with that, Roger hung up.
The proprietor was becoming increasingly agitated that Buskar had not left yet, so Buskar tried one more "friend" to call, Napoleon the pig. Now, Napoleon was known for being a little underhanded at times and was not the most trustworthy sort of pig. Unfortunately, he was the only other person at the moment that was on speaking terms with Buskar and also owned a vehicle.
"I'm just around the corner. Just dropping off a horse at the, uh, horse retirement home. Be there in two ticks."
Napoleon was as good as his word and screeched to a halt outside the pub in his brand new hummer. He gave the horn a good blast.
Buskar heard Napoleon, got up (knocking over the table and a pile of beer bottles) and stumbled toward the door (knocking over another table, a lamp and two waitresses). The world was all in a spin for poor Buskar. He suddenly lurched to the left, missing the door and crashed through the window instead.
This of course was the absolute limit for the proprietor who by this time, was completely incensed.
"Cheese it! He's got a *#@*% gun!" shouted Napoleon from the hummer.
Buskar ran and jumped into the hummer (which was quite a feat given his inebriated state) and Napoleon tore off as the proprietor of the pub let off a few wild shots into the morning air. Luckily Jawas are not known for their accuracy.
"You know, people traditionally use the door." Napoleon remarked.
"I thosh thash was a door". Buskar replied.
"Isn't it a little early in the day to be completely wasted?" Napoleon inquired.
"Hey, the pub ish open, in't it? You mind your own bishnesh!" Buskar snarled and lazily swatted at the back of Napoleon's head. And then he promptly barfed all over the back of the truck.
"Aww, man!" Napoleon cringed.
Now, initially Napoleon had intended to dump Buskar off at home, but a cunning little idea had just passed through his head. It must have been quite a very good one, because he giggled and smiled to himself for several minutes. No idea that causes a pig to smile and giggle can be a beneficial one for anyone else but the pig that is doing the smiling and giggling.
They hurtled along the road for a few minutes before Napoleon braked to an abrupt stop.
"Here we go."
Buskar lifted his head up and looked around "Thish ain't my housh."
"Sure it is."
Buskar strained to look through his bloodshot eyes.
"Thish ish the glue factory!"
Buskar attempted to run from the hummer, but fell into a crumpled heap on the ground and passed out.
"Easiest twenty bucks I've ever made!" Napoleon rubbed his trotters with glee.
And that was the end of Buskar Bear.
"That wasn't as good as the last one." Iona huffed, folding her arms across her chest.
"It's called subtlety dear."
"Yeah, well whatever it is, I don't think I care for it. More blood next time."
"Well, it'll depend on the character. Who would you like to hear a story about next?" I asked.
"Oooh, ooh!" Clapped Iona. "I'd like to hear how Birdly Bumbletweet lost his legs!"
"Well, that is good one. Lot's and lots of blood."
"Splendid!" Iona clapped with glee!
"I finally crushed that stupid truck you've been protecting." Iona interjected.
"Yes dear, I know, the Hummer. It doesn't matter anyway, we finished the picture shoot."
"It doesn't matter anymore? Damn."
"You know, little girls of your age shouldn't use words like that." I scolded.
"&*$@ you. Don't make me hit you again." Iona threatened shaking her little fist.
"Now, now. You'll enjoy this one dear."
"I'd better!" Iona scowled.
And with that, let's begin our story:
Buskar the Bear was terribly drunk.
Terribly, terribly drunk.
But that of course was his usual state. He always went about saying: "If you're not drinking, you're probably thinking... which in my experience just gets you into trouble." And for Buskar that was quite correct.
Of course, if you bumped into Buskar in the afternoon, you wouldn't be able to understand him at any rate as by that point in the day, his words had generally became too slurred for comprehension. Most people just nodded politely at the appropriate silences and hoped for the best. He could become quite belligerent if you disagreed with him accidentally.
Not that an angry Buskar was all that dangerous. Just unpleasant. Most of the time he would stand up as if to attack you, pee himself and then fall unconscious on the floor.
Now, on this particular day, Buskar was at his usual watering hole and had really outdone himself with the alcohol consumption. It wasn't even noon and he had already peed himself several times and was shouting abuse at all the other regulars! The proprietor had invited, er, insisted that Buskar should go home.
Of course, Buskar didn't have his own vehicle... he'd never been sober long enough to sit a road test! So he called his friend Roger Rhino on his mobile.
"Hello?" said Roger."Shhhhh. Yeshshshs. Buuhshk."
"I'm sorry, you'll have to repeat yourself. I didn't quite catch that."
"Yesh, ish Bushkar Beash!"
"Oh, hello Buskar."
"Yoush hash to come pish me up and take meesh home."
"Sorry Buskar, I'm rather in the middle of something right now, but I'm starting my bus route in about a half and hour and seeing as it goes by the pub, I'll give you a lift once I get there."Roger was the safest driver in the Toy Chest, and therefore the most qualified to drive the Toy Chest's only bus. Of course, Roger was the safest driver on the basis that he never drove faster than a snail could slither. His entire route would often take Roger several days to complete.
"No time. Pish me up nowsh!"
"Goodbye Buskar. I will pick you up later."
And with that, Roger hung up.
The proprietor was becoming increasingly agitated that Buskar had not left yet, so Buskar tried one more "friend" to call, Napoleon the pig. Now, Napoleon was known for being a little underhanded at times and was not the most trustworthy sort of pig. Unfortunately, he was the only other person at the moment that was on speaking terms with Buskar and also owned a vehicle."I'm just around the corner. Just dropping off a horse at the, uh, horse retirement home. Be there in two ticks."
Napoleon was as good as his word and screeched to a halt outside the pub in his brand new hummer. He gave the horn a good blast.
Buskar heard Napoleon, got up (knocking over the table and a pile of beer bottles) and stumbled toward the door (knocking over another table, a lamp and two waitresses). The world was all in a spin for poor Buskar. He suddenly lurched to the left, missing the door and crashed through the window instead.This of course was the absolute limit for the proprietor who by this time, was completely incensed.
"Cheese it! He's got a *#@*% gun!" shouted Napoleon from the hummer.
Buskar ran and jumped into the hummer (which was quite a feat given his inebriated state) and Napoleon tore off as the proprietor of the pub let off a few wild shots into the morning air. Luckily Jawas are not known for their accuracy."You know, people traditionally use the door." Napoleon remarked.
"I thosh thash was a door". Buskar replied.
"Isn't it a little early in the day to be completely wasted?" Napoleon inquired.
"Hey, the pub ish open, in't it? You mind your own bishnesh!" Buskar snarled and lazily swatted at the back of Napoleon's head. And then he promptly barfed all over the back of the truck.
"Aww, man!" Napoleon cringed.
Now, initially Napoleon had intended to dump Buskar off at home, but a cunning little idea had just passed through his head. It must have been quite a very good one, because he giggled and smiled to himself for several minutes. No idea that causes a pig to smile and giggle can be a beneficial one for anyone else but the pig that is doing the smiling and giggling.They hurtled along the road for a few minutes before Napoleon braked to an abrupt stop.
"Here we go."
Buskar lifted his head up and looked around "Thish ain't my housh."
"Sure it is."
Buskar strained to look through his bloodshot eyes.
"Thish ish the glue factory!"
Buskar attempted to run from the hummer, but fell into a crumpled heap on the ground and passed out.
"Easiest twenty bucks I've ever made!" Napoleon rubbed his trotters with glee.
And that was the end of Buskar Bear.
"That wasn't as good as the last one." Iona huffed, folding her arms across her chest.
"It's called subtlety dear."
"Yeah, well whatever it is, I don't think I care for it. More blood next time."
"Well, it'll depend on the character. Who would you like to hear a story about next?" I asked.
"Oooh, ooh!" Clapped Iona. "I'd like to hear how Birdly Bumbletweet lost his legs!"
"Well, that is good one. Lot's and lots of blood."
"Splendid!" Iona clapped with glee!
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