Children and Christmas

Having a Toddler at Christmas can be a horrendous and entertaining affair... often at the same time. For those that have toddlers or young children, you know that the two things are usually inseparable.

Our biggest challenge right now is trying to convince Iona that the tree is not "hers", and that it is "ours".

Here's some helpful hints on how to adjust the ratio in favour of the entertaining side:

1. Introduction to Santa:

Start early. Many parents make the mistake of introducing their child to Santa around 1 to 2 years... which depending on what stage their at in development, usually means a freakout session in front of hundreds of strangers, and a very tired looking Santa doing his best to remain sane.

Let's do the old bugger (and yourselves) a favour.

Start reading Christmas stories and showing videos of Santa (via youtube, or old VHS tapes for that matter) as soon as they're able to focus their attention on something for five minutes. By the time your kid actually meets this weird alcohol smelling bloke at the local outlet mall, they'll be slightly less apprehensive.

Another technique I've used personally is to introduce my child to characters that are far more terrifying than Santa Clause. Iona luckily has never been one to be frightened by anything... startled or occasionally apprehensive or suspicious is about as far as she goes. I introduced her to Jabba the Hutt first this season. Jabba actually shares many more similarities with Santa than you'd think: he's fat, he says "Ho, Ho, Ho", rewards those that do good (for him) and punishes those that are bad (from his perspective) and he too has a network of informants.

Bait and switch... here's Santa, and she doesn't even bat an eyelid.

You could also find a homeless person who looks like Santa (the alcohol smell will help when it comes time to meet the outlet mall Santa) and schedule frequent supervised visits. Of course, if you know someone who looks like Santa that isn't homeless, that could work too... I just mention the homeless person as a suggestion as their schedules tend to be wide open, which is a real benefit at this time of year.*

2. Hiding Christmas Gifts:

This one should be a no-brainer, but it's amazing at how many parents, time and time again, fail to hide all the Christmas gifts effectively.

Putting them in your bedroom closet is the very first place every damn kid checks.

Try explaining your way out of that.

Well, I can, because I like to think I have a little imagination. If you do find yourself in this predicament, use this little invention:

"Think about it Kid. Santa has literally millions upon millions of kids to drop off presents to every year. Some guy did some calculations a few years ago and it turns out that even with magic (and incidentally breaking the laws of physics), it's impossible for him to deliver that many presents to that many children in one evening, even accounting for different time zones. A few centuries ago, even then with the lower population, it was barely practicable and it was driving the old bugger into an early grave. These days with the advent of the modern postal and courier systems, Santa now employees a massive shipping network that delivers all the presents (via trained elves) in advance of Christmas eve. He calls it Christmas caching. On Christmas Eve, the same elf returns to place it under the tree. Now, usually they hide the presents better so that even Mummy and Daddy can't find them, but every so often you get a new guy who just didn't pay too much attention during orientation."

There you go. You're welcome.

Of course, you can just come up with better places to hide the presents. Here's some suggestions:

• Your car boot (or trunk for my North American readership). It's a fairly traditional option, but one that I don't generally recommend. I guess it works if you do all your Christmas shopping on Christmas eve, but for those of us that plan ahead, I need that for groceries and occasional body disposal. It just doesn't work. Plus, if someone nicks your car, you're kinda screwed. 
• The loft or attic. Not always convenient and I'm sure many children have woken up in the morning to find Daddy in a heap on the floor with a concision or worse on Christmas morning. Not a great way to build fond Christmas memories, although it is a great way to build Christmas memories that no one will forget. "We buried Daddy on Boxing Day"... now that would make a great Christmas Carol. 
• Leave them at the store, un-purchased. Easy, cheap, and you can print out pictures of what your kids were going to get and put them under the tree. Tell them they weren't good enough this year to warrant gifts and that Santa is taunting them. Of course, in a few years when they realize the whole things a sham anyway, you may just be slain in your sleep with an ax.    
• Someone else's house. Let's clarify here... someone you know, not some random stranger. It's amazing how belligerent people become when people find you breaking into their homes to hide presents, particularly when you find that they have better stuff than what you were going to give your kids and start making some swaps... but I digress and that's a whole other problem. Another Christmas memory no one would be likely to forget. 
• The basement utility room. Usually the second place kids check, but if you play things right, they won't check it at all. Most kids are at the very least, mildly scared of being in the basement alone for some reason. Let's build on that. Tell them the undead live in the basement and only come out when you're alone. Rattling a few chains and making a few groaning sounds in the middle of the night should build that rather effectively. As a benefit to this, you have a nice place you can hide out without being bothered. 
• The garden shed/garage. Most kids have no interest in going anywhere near these places due to the fact that it's where parents keep implements for doing something called "household chores/gardening". No normal child has any interest in being dragged into that and gives these places a wide berth. In years past, the garden shed had the added advantage of being the place children were given a thorough thrashing... yet another reason to avoid them. Of course, that's all gone now... that's progress for you.**

3. Build a Convincing Lie:

The whole Santa thing is a rather dubious lie at best... but while children at the toddler stage will believe pretty much anything you tell them, as they age they get pretty darned perceptive and quickly too. If you want to stand any chance of maintaining the magical fib to the appropriate age, you're going to have to build and effective lie.

• Use different wrapping paper for Santa's gifts from the one's marked "from Mummy and Daddy". If you're doing this and your kids are older than two, I have one name for you... amateur.
• Use different hand writing on "Santa's" gifts. Wear an oven mitt on the opposite hand you usually write with, and then (duh) write with that hand. It takes a little practice to make it legible (and even then it'll still look pretty crappy) but you can explain this away by telling your kids that Rudolph writes all the tags for the Jolly Old Elf. 
• If you practice the tradition of leaving a glass of milk and a cookie for Santa, remember to drink the milk and eat the cookie.
• Don't get drunk on Christmas eve and forget to put the presents under the tree. Hey, this has happened! Don't be naive. 

4. Buy Rechargeable Batteries. Lots of them:

Of various types.

And charge them for Christmases sake. 

Otherwise there will be a lot of unhappy small people on Christmas morning thinking that Santa has forsaken them. Really. That's pretty much what they're wailing. 

And it's all your fault. Amateur. 

5. Don't Drag your kids anywhere on Christmas day and Don't have guests over

No kid wants to be hauled away from their new toys to get dressed up in the wooly Christmas jumper their great-gran made for them out of sheep's pubic hair (by thunder that thing was itchy!), get dragged off to there grandparents to get gifts of socks, clock radios and pen and pencil sets, while a bunch of old people they barely know poke at them and say daft things like: "my how you've grown", "aren't you smartly dressed" (as you writhe in the torment that is your above mentioned jumper), and "have you had your Christmas bath?" (as though bathing were an annual event). 

Stay at home and declare a "pyjama day". 

6. Use a Fiber Optic Tree and Plastic Bulbs

Another no-brainer, but it's amazing how many people shrug off safety for the sake of tradition.

Nothing says Christmas like a visit to the emergency room with severe lacerations.

7. Know when to end the lie: 

I knew a kid back in primary school who believed in Santa up until grade 7. Man, did that kid get pelters. I'm fairly sure he's currently undergoing a course of intense psychotherapy now. 

So, when is a good time to end the deception? 

I say, if your kids smart and perceptive enough to start asking the question "Is Santa Claus real?", then they've probably already figure out the jig. Might as well come clean on the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy at the same time. 

Tell them it's a fun tradition parents do to make their kids happy, and that the supply of presents will continue regardless. Just make sure to tell them not to spoil it for the slower children.

So here's Iona all dressed up for her annual Christmas photo shoot. This one is shot number 25. Another 25 attempts and a considerable amount of bribes paid out in the form of chocolate later, and we finally got one that wasn't blurry, silly, or had one of Iona's signature scowls.  

* I have all the respect in the world for the poor bastards that dress up as Santa. Anyone that throws themselves into the role of having a bunch of crying, snotty, leaky, whiny, poopey ungrateful children line up to sit in their laps deserves a friggin' medal. I'm just taking advantage of a old stereotype for the effect of humour. 

** Let's be clear here... Iona beats me up regularly. Is there such a thing as Adult Services?