Xorton's Rant

Over the years I've observed a number of people who appear to have no perceptible skills whatsoever, but yet have managed to remain employed and earn a salary. I've analysed my observations and have identified their tactics: To start, pick a career that does not require a lot of physical activity. Sitting at a desk (preferably with a computer) is key. Additionally having a direct supervisor or boss who is completely incompetent or easily intimidated (preferably both) is also key. Appearances are everything in executing a successful campaign of non-workiness: Come into work early every day. Everyone will assume you come in early to get a jump start on all that work you have to do. Leave work late. Again, every one will assume you're staying to complete all that extra work.  Nothing says you do not have enough work like a clean desk. Keep your desk cluttered at all times. Change and move the clutter about from time to time. Other people's recycle bins are a tr...

People call me a curmudgeon. That's okay. I've come to accept that and I now wear this moniker with distinction. Do people think you're a bit of a grump? Well, here's some tips on how to make the most of it: Learn to find fault with everything on the planet. If you've found something you can't find fault with, you're not looking hard enough.  Practice a good sneer. With a good sneer, you can be a unbearable burden at all social occasions.  Practice ranting on a wide variety of subject matter. Make sure you harp on these subjects regularly. It also helps if the subject matter is also something that other people generally find enjoyable (such as special occasions). Nothing ruins a good occasion like a rant on the same subject.  Learn to identify people's weaknesses and faults... and make sure you point them out as often as possible.  No matter how well someone does something, there's always room for improvement (see point 1). Make sure you poin...

You've not been fully indoctrinated as a parent until you've been properly baptized in a shower of pee, snot and puke. I've been peed on, and found boogers on my collar, but recently my daughter saw to the latter. It was amazing how time slowed to a crawl as I watched a near perfect cylindrical jet of milk, glistening in a stray sunbeam as it magically arched up through the dust particles hung like snowflakes in the air. Gracefully it descended to just above my chest (and this is where the normal pace of time re-asserted itself) and upon impact with me, exploded in a violent slurry. I'd would never have imagined that such a small person would have the sheer capacity to store such a large amount of liquid. To add insult to injury, she made a little smirk, and I half expected her head to spin a full 360 degrees. I suspect that her sense of humour for the next few months will be chiefly based on my misfortunes. Below is a recent snapshot of my daughter, and fur d...

When Creed from The Office reacts to a hearing about a water birth he remarks: "Must have been like low tide on Omaha Beach." he wasn't far off. Keeping with the World War II analogies, a regular birth is a lot like the result of a platoon of soldiers that has just been fired on at point blank range by a Tiger tank's 88mm canon. There's a lot of screaming, shouting of orders, and of course blood and rather nasty looking red chunks everywhere... and I do mean everywhere. It's all over the bed, on the underside of the bed, the floor, and up the walls, even six feet away. I didn't check the ceiling closely, but I imagine it was there too. I'm glad we agreed on a hospital birth. Before the fact, I'd imagined that I would have had difficulty with the birthing process... fainting and what not. I found that when I was in the midst of it, I really didn't have time to be anything else but clinical about the experience. By the way, thank you all ...

My daughter has arrived! While I think the name in the title to this blog it pretty darned cool, her actual name is Iona, which I hope will result in significantly less teasing at school. For the record, only one person guessed correctly. For those of you interested in the details, she weighed 8 lbs and 6 ounces at birth and is 21 inches long. She has light ginger coloured hair and the attitude to accompany it. Being first time parents, we have received all sorts of unsolicited, though well intentioned advice/observations from others, including: Say Good-Bye to sleep . This is completely inaccurate. While, it's only been a few days, I find that we haven't had to say good-bye to sleep, we've simply had to adjust when we sleep... such as having a thirty second kip while waiting at a red light (people are always helpful in reminding you when to go), or while collapsed on the shower floor. Additionally, places that had once been considered as ludicrous places to take a...

Recently we cancelled our traditional cable television service. We've begun this "experiment" on the basis of a couple issues: One, we really don't like shelling out hard earned dollars for a multitude television stations of garbage, for a small number of stations we actually watched. We used to watch four stations (History and Discovery being a couple of them), however with the long slide into sub-par content, we were reduced to two. Discovery has essentially become a showcase for pseudo-scientific programming (I don't count crazy people with educational "degrees" from non-existent universities majoring in ancient aliens talking about invented "theories" science), while History generally doesn't show actual historical programming any more and mostly airs reality television about people living in swamps and the like*. I don't count that as history, although I fear their marketing department believes it to be "history in the mak...

It's been a busy couple of months for me, so I've been on something of a sabbatical from blog writing. As most of my readers are aware, my partner and I are expecting the imminent arrival of a baby daughter. Many people are still curious as to the name we've picked. My nephews (who are always entertaining), when prompted to make a guess answered with: "Is it 'Star Wars'?" Certainly the most unique guess we've had so far... they certainly know me well! Considering female character names from the series, 'Mon Mothma' would certainly make for a unique name (I know Leia is pretty run of the mill at this point)... although not necessarily one that I would punish my own child with. One of my friends recently made a slip when we were discussing that point and called the character 'Mon Mothra', which while being very amusing would not make for a very child friendly name. I think it would make for an interesting (I hesitate to call it ...