How to be a Curmudgeon

People call me a curmudgeon. That's okay. I've come to accept that and I now wear this moniker with distinction. Do people think you're a bit of a grump? Well, here's some tips on how to make the most of it:

1. Learn to find fault with everything on the planet. If you've found something you can't find fault with, you're not looking hard enough. 
2. Practice a good sneer. With a good sneer, you can be a unbearable burden at all social occasions. 
3. Practice ranting on a wide variety of subject matter. Make sure you harp on these subjects regularly. It also helps if the subject matter is also something that other people generally find enjoyable (such as special occasions). Nothing ruins a good occasion like a rant on the same subject. 
4. Learn to identify people's weaknesses and faults... and make sure you point them out as often as possible. 
5. No matter how well someone does something, there's always room for improvement (see point 1). Make sure you point that out to people as often as possible. 
6. Be opinionated! Have an educated opinion on everything (even if it's contrary to popular opinion). This requires a lot of research and reading, but it's well worth the effort. If you're feeling lazy, an uneducated opinion will do just as nicely. 
7. Occasionally, play the devil's advocate in arguments on social and political subjects (you don't want to become too predictable). It's also guaranteed to drive people nuts, particularly when you're revisiting the same argument that you previously had a completely different opinion on. 
8. Practice a look of derision. Similar to the sneer, it can be quite effective and useful when someone has said something utterly stupid, and words just won't suffice. 
9. Practice good non-committal or dismissive grunts. These are handy in a variety of situations, particularly stupid conversations that you can't be bothered taking part in. It also takes less effort than sneering. 
10. Sometimes logical educated facts just don't make a for a persuasive argument. Practice speaking (and shouting) offensive language in long eloquent streams. A well crafted string of nasty insults along with some items that you've identified about the person (from point 4) are usually enough to send them packing, or at least stop them from talking to you for the immediate future. 
11. Refuse to take part in small talk. Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than being stuck with a silent curmudgeon. Sneers, grunts and looks of derision are also guaranteed in shutting down such conversations (see point 9). 
12. Sunny weather is the enemy of all curmudgeons. Don't participate in outdoor leisure activities that don't involve drizzle. 
13. Leisure activities that involve teams are not for curmudgeons. If you have somehow (despite your best efforts) been drafted into such an affair, make sure you perform so hopelessly badly that no one will invite you to participate again. 
14. Learn sarcasm and how to wield it like rapier. Use it in all situations, especially when someone has left themselves completely open for comment. 
15. Most importantly (and this gives you the ability to be a true curmudgeon with absolute impunity) stop giving a %$!* about what other people say and think about you. 
16. Try to be pessimistic about everything. Nothing lasts forever, and all good things must come to an end. 
17. Occasionally and without warning, be nice or do something nice for someone. It will put them off guard and soften them up for a future grumpiness onslaught. 
18. Be miserly with your money. 
19. One of your main tenants in life should be the steadfast belief that carpet bombing can solve any issue, regardless of how big or small it may be. For example: traffic congestion? Carpet bombing. Mosquito infestation? Carpet bombing. A neighboring country is secretly planning an invasion of Poland? Carpet bombing. It's the miracle cure of the 20th century!

Some handy curmudgeonly phrases:

1. You'll be wantin' a medal then? (When someone has achieved something unimportant and would like recognition). 
2. You wantin' an invitation (When someone is taking to long to do something). 
3. Hey you kids! Stay out of my yard! (Self explanatory)
4. I'm not bothered with that. 
5. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. 

Places where you will generally not find curmudgeons (unless they've been dragged unwillingly by a family member... then you can witness them in their best form):

1. Outside on a sunny day
2. Team sporting events
3. Pools and the beach 
4. Public recreation facilities of any kind
5. Shopping centres
6. Holiday resorts (particularly in warm climates)
7. Any kind of holiday party

Places where you can find and meet other curmudgeons:

1. The darkest corner of any pub.
2. In my car (when I'm driving).
3. Retirement homes. 
4. Any bus stop (particularly when it's raining and there's no shelter).
5. Hobby shops. 
6. Anywhere people are dressed as Klingons 
7. Scotland

Famous Curmudgeons (both fictional and non-fictional) that are great for character research:

1. Winston Churchill 
2. Isaac Newton
3. Ghengis Khan
4. Darth Vader
5. Scrooge
6. Emperor Palpatine
7. Sheldon Cooper
8. Oscar the Grouch
9. Archie Bunker
10. Victor Meldrew

Reading Material for Curmudgeons:

1. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich
2. 1000 Years of Hating the French
3. Mr. Fussy
4. Mr. Grumpy
5. How to be a Grouch, By Oscar the Grouch (This has been my personal bible since I was six)

Want to join the league of curmudgeons? Join my blog as a member. Currently the league is up to 3 members... my cat, myself and my daughter (she's really getting in an early start! While her smile can light up the room, her sneer can plunge the world into darkness.)