How Not to Work (And Get Paid for it)

Over the years I've observed a number of people who appear to have no perceptible skills whatsoever, but yet have managed to remain employed and earn a salary.

I've analysed my observations and have identified their tactics:

To start, pick a career that does not require a lot of physical activity. Sitting at a desk (preferably with a computer) is key.

Additionally having a direct supervisor or boss who is completely incompetent or easily intimidated (preferably both) is also key.

Appearances are everything in executing a successful campaign of non-workiness:

1. Come into work early every day. Everyone will assume you come in early to get a jump start on all that work you have to do.
2. Leave work late. Again, every one will assume you're staying to complete all that extra work. 
3. Nothing says you do not have enough work like a clean desk. Keep your desk cluttered at all times. Change and move the clutter about from time to time. Other people's recycle bins are a treasure trove of clutter you can pile on your desk... but wait until after hours when no one will see you gathering "resources". 
4. Take your laptop and assorted paperwork home with you (particularly on weekends and holidays) and make sure other employees observe you doing this. It will create the impression that you intend on working from home. Asking others for assistance in carrying a couple of bankers boxes (loaded with various paperwork from other employees recycling bins) will really clinch the deal. 
5. Likewise, a clean computer desktop is equally concerning. Keep it cluttered with icons and documents (they don't have to be real, just create a bunch with some fake names). 
6. Copy random files from the company server to your personal directory and create a massive tree of unintelligibly named folders. You should have at least a couple of gig of data here. At a cursory glance, it'll look like you've been burning the midnight oil. 
7. Never empty your email inbox. Send yourself emails from various email accounts with large complex sounding subject lines. Paste random text from Wikipedia entries.  
8. Create tons of folders in your email account, open up your spam filter and sign up for as many newsletters and other miscellaneous online rubbish as possible. Assign rules to have the spam directed to the various folders. When people see all those unread message populating all those folders, they'll know how so very busy you are! 
9. Keep at least 15 windows open on your computer at all times. 
10. Walk around with a clipboard (don't forget a pen), muttering to yourself and making notes. 
11. Whenever you walk anywhere, always walk fast... but always take the longest route to your destination. 
12. Become a germaphobe. This should burn up about 45 minutes a day with hand washing. Almost everyone, (particularly HR types) will be too polite to complain about your "disability".
13. Find a handy hiding place where you can hang out unnoticed for long periods of time. Disused closets or toilets in the basement of your organization are excellent places. 
14. Eat your lunch at your desk as quickly as possible. Learn to inhale your food. People who have time to take an actual lunch break don't have enough work. 
15. Learn which people are too polite or are easily intimidated in your organization... and then take credit for their achievements. This works best when they're in your own department and also happen to be productive intelligent people. Taking credit for others blunders will not secure you a position or a profitable career.  
16. In meetings, hijack other peoples ideas by repeating the same thing other people have just said, but with more complex language to illustrate the point. This works well if the people you're hijacking are meek and intelligent, such as in point 10. 
17. Join as many voluntary company committees as possible. This provides plenty of opportunities to avoid your own tasks with a legitimate excuse, and you can fob off any committee work with the excuse that you're just too busy with your own work to fully participate in the committee (but make sure you ensure your value and continued membership in the committee by hijacking ideas as in point 14). As an added bonus, most committee meetings have free food.  
18. Show up for all meetings (committee and otherwise) a few minutes late. Always dart in out of breath and with a bundle of file folders. Keep looking at your watch repeatedly, and frequently respond to messages on your smartphone (it helps if you know someone else who is also trying to avoid work to send you messages that will bleep for your attention). 
19. Leave all meetings early, and rush out with the excuse that you have urgent business requiring your attention elsewhere. Retreat to your hiding place (as in point 12). 
20. If you actually find yourself having to do actual work, stretch it out as long as possible. Defend the slowness of your progress by making sure people understand how meticulous you are and that you just want to complete the task properly and as perfectly as possible. Of course, completing your own actual work can be very risky if you have no discernible skills or abilities (other than mastering the art of avoiding work). This being the case, proceed to the next step. 
21. Learn to delegate. Any new tasks that are assigned to you should be delegated to the meekest members of your department (which you can of course you have a legitimate excuse for because you're so darned busy). Get progress reports on said tasks from your delegate and make all sorts of suggestions and recommendations on how you would do it (said suggestions should be as general as possible and focus on things like font type and size). Make sure you take full credit for the task once it's been completed. 
22. Invent meaningless tasks for yourself that require little effort. Printing out procedural documentation from the web and then assembling it into binders with snazzy jacket covers is an excellent waste of time and nine out of ten inept managers can't tell the difference between this and real work. Again, proceed with such tasks as meticulously as possible. It should take at least ten attempts and several days to create the perfect jacket for your binder. 
23. When asked "What are you working on?", you should always respond with "What am I not working on!?" and then rub your temples like you have the worst migraine in all of history. This shall be sufficient for the usual easily intimidated management types. For those that are a little more astute, have a ready made list of tasks that cannot be confirmed you can describe and recount in incredible and mind numbing detail. Most managers will go numb after a couple of minutes and leave you alone out of sheer boredom. 
24. Deflection can be an effective tool in maintaining your cloak of slothfulness, particularly when some folk start to become suspicious of your "hard-working" ways. You should have an extensive background cover story (known as a sob story) that you can pull out on a moments notice that will have people pitying you, tearing up and beating a hasty and polite retreat in no time. The details of such a story should be lengthy, detailed, unverifiable and horrendous enough that they do not invite follow up questions. Financial and Health stories are perfect as a diversionary tactic. Examples such as: "I was bankrupted and lost my house in a ponzi scheme and am desperately saving my pennies so the bank doesn't take my thumbs. I don't know how I'm going to afford to have that intestinal and full rectal transplant." is a great starting point. People will avoid you like a plague infested rat when you're on one of those lectures. Avoid stories such as "My daughter was captured on an aid mission to Momombostan and is being held captive by cannibalistic terrorists". Anything that could make breaking news could land you in a heap of trouble of the televised kind when some sympathetic bleeding-hearted and well meaning twit decides to contact the local news agencies to "get the story out there". Additionally you'll want to avoid gloating and talking about any of the recent purchases made possible by your recent salary increases, such as the Olympic sized heated pool or Ferrari. Don't drive the car into work either. 

If you master this art form well, eventually you can expect all sorts of commendations, salary boosts and promotions. Plenty of organizations around the world are riddled with people who don't actually do anything (government and unions are excellent examples) and include some of the highest paid people on our planet. If you "work" hard at not working, you may eventually ascend to a lofty position in your organization where you can become an industry lauded "visionary", spending your time "facilitating business opportunities and growth potential" at the country club and taking credit for thousands of people's hard work.

Just make sure you don't spoil it all by having original thoughts or doing actual work along the way.