Well, okay... not aliens per se, but their remotely operated human impersonating probe droids are.
I know because I've encountered a few over the years. Here's how you can spot one:
1) They have limited or no personality. A blank piece of paper will be by comparison significantly more interesting.
2) They will avoid small talk and casual conversation. They will not volunteer any personal information about themselves. When pressed, any "interests" they may have will usually be something very dull... like circuit boards or the metric system.
3) They have limited knowledge of human customs or culture. Questions about such things will often solicit either a blank or confused look.
4) They do not understand humour or common slang and colloquialisms. This will also solicit a blank or confused look.
5) Responses to the above questions will often be responded to... usually several hours after the original question or conversation has occurred. The long pause can be attributed to the droid contacting it's mothership where a team of crack alien anthropologists will interpret the data, select what they believe to be the most appropriate response, and beam it back. The droid may get up abruptly and leave the room, or in most cases, stare blankly at you until the response is received.
The long awaited response is usually only barely related to the original subject. For example:
Me: I'm an IT professional and I fix computers. What do you do?
Droid: (2 Hours of silence later) I once saw a calculator.
Often the responses can be even more confusing. One can imagine the anthropologists scrambling to find an answer, hunched over their computer terminals, frantically scanning for something to respond with, and as a timer counts down they finally give up and punch a big red button marked: "Random response" which defers to the droids limited judgement:
Me: I'm not really overly fond of Christmas.
Droid: I like socks.
6) Normal tasks which should be easily accomplished within a short period of time take the droid 10 times longer to complete... if they complete it at all. It can be even longer than that if human contact is required or if the task is more complex. Again, this is due to the droid contacting the mothership for instruction or following its own rigid programming. If you want to have some fun, give a droid a Chinese finger puzzle. I guarantee it's better than that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Data got stuck with one.
7) Frequent periods of vacant staring at the wall or off into space. No, the droid is not yearning for home. It's either in conserving energy in low power mode or receiving a programming update.
8) Have you ever seen the droid eat? If not, then you've got a prime candidate.
Most of us that are stuck interacting with a droid on a regular basis know the pain of watching a droid meticulously open and unpack a gift or new purchase. Here's some suggestions for having a little fun at the alien anthropologists expense:
1) As stated earlier, give them a Chinese finger puzzle.
2) Buy an "Annoyatron" from ThinkGeek.com and hide it in suitable location. I'm not sure what's funnier, watching them take apart every piece of technology within ear shot, or watching them examine the "Annoyatron" quizzically for three hours after finding it.
3) Ask weird questions or make strange, unusual or just plain crazy statements to see how they respond, such as:
"I like to bathe in a mixture liquefied bananas and gasoline."
"I like orange vests with bbq sauce".
"Beep, beep, buzz, boop?"
"Now witness the fire power of this fully armed an operation battle station."
"What's your favourite vacation spot in the Wolf 359 system?"
4) If your feeling particularly adventurous, you can always try the Captain Kirk Maneuver. What's that? Well, Captain Kirk would often defeat malfunctioning alien computers and androids by feeding them some really fucked up line like: "I lie. I Always lie. In fact, I'm lying right now".
Watch the sparks fly... and on a cautionary note, you may want to be in an open air environment. The fumes can get pretty noxious.
Help defer the invasion! Fuck with the heads of the alien anthropologists today!
I know because I've encountered a few over the years. Here's how you can spot one:
1) They have limited or no personality. A blank piece of paper will be by comparison significantly more interesting.
2) They will avoid small talk and casual conversation. They will not volunteer any personal information about themselves. When pressed, any "interests" they may have will usually be something very dull... like circuit boards or the metric system.
3) They have limited knowledge of human customs or culture. Questions about such things will often solicit either a blank or confused look.
4) They do not understand humour or common slang and colloquialisms. This will also solicit a blank or confused look.
5) Responses to the above questions will often be responded to... usually several hours after the original question or conversation has occurred. The long pause can be attributed to the droid contacting it's mothership where a team of crack alien anthropologists will interpret the data, select what they believe to be the most appropriate response, and beam it back. The droid may get up abruptly and leave the room, or in most cases, stare blankly at you until the response is received.
The long awaited response is usually only barely related to the original subject. For example:
Me: I'm an IT professional and I fix computers. What do you do?
Droid: (2 Hours of silence later) I once saw a calculator.
Often the responses can be even more confusing. One can imagine the anthropologists scrambling to find an answer, hunched over their computer terminals, frantically scanning for something to respond with, and as a timer counts down they finally give up and punch a big red button marked: "Random response" which defers to the droids limited judgement:
Me: I'm not really overly fond of Christmas.
Droid: I like socks.
6) Normal tasks which should be easily accomplished within a short period of time take the droid 10 times longer to complete... if they complete it at all. It can be even longer than that if human contact is required or if the task is more complex. Again, this is due to the droid contacting the mothership for instruction or following its own rigid programming. If you want to have some fun, give a droid a Chinese finger puzzle. I guarantee it's better than that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Data got stuck with one.
7) Frequent periods of vacant staring at the wall or off into space. No, the droid is not yearning for home. It's either in conserving energy in low power mode or receiving a programming update.
8) Have you ever seen the droid eat? If not, then you've got a prime candidate.
Most of us that are stuck interacting with a droid on a regular basis know the pain of watching a droid meticulously open and unpack a gift or new purchase. Here's some suggestions for having a little fun at the alien anthropologists expense:
1) As stated earlier, give them a Chinese finger puzzle.
2) Buy an "Annoyatron" from ThinkGeek.com and hide it in suitable location. I'm not sure what's funnier, watching them take apart every piece of technology within ear shot, or watching them examine the "Annoyatron" quizzically for three hours after finding it.
3) Ask weird questions or make strange, unusual or just plain crazy statements to see how they respond, such as:
"I like to bathe in a mixture liquefied bananas and gasoline."
"I like orange vests with bbq sauce".
"Beep, beep, buzz, boop?"
"Now witness the fire power of this fully armed an operation battle station."
"What's your favourite vacation spot in the Wolf 359 system?"
4) If your feeling particularly adventurous, you can always try the Captain Kirk Maneuver. What's that? Well, Captain Kirk would often defeat malfunctioning alien computers and androids by feeding them some really fucked up line like: "I lie. I Always lie. In fact, I'm lying right now".
Watch the sparks fly... and on a cautionary note, you may want to be in an open air environment. The fumes can get pretty noxious.
Help defer the invasion! Fuck with the heads of the alien anthropologists today!
ah, this is so bang on.
ReplyDeleteI tend to start learning the ventilation of a place where I encounter such drones so that if I can't restrain myself, I can at control the situation somewhat.
This makes me realize I've run out of Chinese finger puzzles, time to restock.