"What do you mean you 'don't know what a screenshot is?'"

I'm often completely baffled how people who have used computers every day for the past ten years have absolutely no idea how to do some basic tasks, are unaware of basic tools and operations, or better yet, expect computers to contravene the laws of physics and be impervious to damage.

Some of my recent favourite anecdotes:

1. "What's a 'screen shot'?" followed by, "Can I edit my data in the 'screen shot' like Excel?"

2. "Control, Alt, what?"

3. "Where's the 'Start' button?"

4. Someone who "reboots" their computer by turning the monitor on and off.

5. User: "Why do I have to plug all these chords into the computer? I thought we had wireless".
    Me: "You still need a power chord."
    User: "'Wireless' doesn't include wireless power?"

6. "I rebooted my computer like one hundred times, but it still keeps saying 'no bootable device'."

7. "The computer needs to be on to run the Antivirus? That's stupid."

8. "I thought the power chord supplied the internet".

9. After spilling an extra large milkshake on an expenisve keyboard: "Can you fix that?"

10. User: "My cpu needs 'Office' installed."
      Me: "I think you mean that your computer needs 'Office' installed."
      User: "Whatever... cpu, hardrive... same thing."
      Me: "It really isn't."

11. User: "My laptop computer stopped working and won't boot up."
      Me: "What were you doing before it crashed?"
      User: "I just finished draining it of the extra large coffee I spilled on it."

And my personal favourite... and winner of both the "Dumbest request of 2012" and "Dumbest User of 2012":

12. User: "I'd like my palm pilot set up on my computer."
      Me: Palm Pilot?? (Looking at the original packaging he's brought me) "Uh... the recommended
              requirements are from 1993... and are for a 486 PC running DOS or Windows 3.1"
      User: "So?"
      Me: "It's 2012 and you're running Windows 7."
      User: "So?"
      Me: "Your device is no longer supported on modern computers. There is no way I can set this
              up on your computer."
      User: "You haven't even tried."
      Me: "You don't understand. I don't have to. I don't think they've made drivers for this
              device since 1996."
      User: "Make new ones. You're the computer expert."
      Me: "It doesn't work that way. Drivers have to come from the manufacturer... and Palm
              doesn't exist anymore."
      User: "Well, regardless, I want this setup."
      Me: "That's not possible."
      User: "I'm really trying to be patient with you. Anything is possible if you put enough effort and  
                 thought into it."
      Me: "It would be much easier if you just purchased a new Blackberry or iPhone."
      User: "But I already have this. I want this one."
      Me: "And it belongs in a museum."
      User: "You IT guys. I don't understand why you have to make stuff obsolete all the time. It's not
                even that old!"

If you recongize yourself in any of these anecdotes, then you may be in urgent need of my Technology Enlightenment Training (TET). 

This intense five day course involves basic and advanced computer skills training in hardware and software along with a daily heavy sack beating. Modern education doesn't emphasize sack beatings enough anymore. 

And all for only $500.00!