There's nothing quite like being jammed into a room with a bunch of complete strangers who will spend the next one or two hours scrutinizing and criticizing you and your achievements to shrivel up your ego into a little dry mummified token of its former self.
I can't say I've always had the best interview experiences.
There's nothing worse than having a good interview that lasted two hours only to find out that they picked an internal candidate and were only interviewing outsiders to pad out some stupid HR policy.
I've made a list of things that I've come to realize over the course of many years of bad interviews:
1. I have very low tolerance for having my time wasted by people that are less qualified than I am.
2. People don't appreciate honesty as much as they say they do.
3. If your prospective manager informs you that he or she will be leaving the interview after a few minutes as they have an important meeting elsewhere I recommend walking out of the interview immediately. If you're this important to the manager now, imagine how you'll be treated in future. Likewise, if you show up for the interview and the interviewer has gone on holiday (planned) leaving the underlings to scramble to find someone to talk to you, things probably won't bode well for you at this "opportunity" either.
4. Be wary of the interviewer that yawns a lot and leaves the questions to his subordinates. They have no vested interest in you and will be spending the time considering their stock options. I was turned down once by a manager like this because I was not familiar with and did not discuss subject "x" and had not listed subject "x" on my resume... when I had indeed listed that I was certified with subject "x" on my resume and had discussed said subject in great detail at the interview.
5. Be wary of positions where the job description changes frequently. I've more than once interviewed for a job that had different requirements and a different overall description from the job posting, to the telephone interview, and finally to the in person interview. In one example, midway through the final interview I no longer had any idea what I way actually applying for and lost all interest in the position. Naturally I didn't get the job, and it's probably just as well. I wouldn't want to be hired as a computer technician only to find out the next day one of the duties is to completely re-code some ancient legacy application that only runs off a Commodore VIC-20... which is located up a communications tower... located 50 miles away... down an old abandoned camping trail... And by the way, you may have to fight hill-billies to get to it.
6. I find 50% of job postings (at least in the IT world) are completely inaccurate at describing what they want, usually because an HR rep has written the posting all on their own with no understanding of what they actually need. I've seen postings that were for "Systems Admins" when in fact they actually needed someone who was a programmer. Likewise, I've had to talk HR people out of hiring programmers for Systems Admin positions.
HR: "There's a difference between the two?"
Me: "The difference between a programmer and a systems admin is equivalent to the difference between being a cow and someone who grills steaks on a bbq."
HR: "Huh?"
Me: "So what you're saying you'd like a mouthful of raw un-dead cow?"
IT and HR cooperation is essential in writing a good cohesive description. I've sat through too many interviews where there was certainly a lot of tension, if not open hostility between HR and IT personnel. If these people spend your interview hissing at each other, it's probably not the healthiest environment to work in!
7. Job postings that have ludicrously unrealistic expectations and want everything in one person really piss me off. I see too many of these and I've yet to apply for one:
"Exciting and Challenging Job Opportunity: We'd like a Desktop Support Specialist, but also ideally someone who can administrate our Linux, Windows and Novell servers, re-animate our terminally ill legacy mainframe, program in 15 languages, speaks English, French, Klingon and Hindi, has fifty years of experience, can build and maintain a company wide database on a Babbage Differential Engine, is willing to travel, work nights and weekends in addition to the 45 hour work week and can stop time when required. Salary: $30,000. Competitive benefits include 10 holiday days."
What? No attitude adjusting incentive floggings?? Good luck with that. The sad thing is I'm not exaggerating all that much.
8. I particularly dislike being asked the following questions:
"Why would we hire you over the other candidates?".
Wrong Answer: I can whistle almost the entire score to the HMS Pinafore!*
Truthful Answer: I don't know, I haven't met your other candidates, so I have no point of comparison on which to draw an accurate and objective response.
Right Answer: I'm very good at what I do, and I think I have many unique qualities that would be a great asset to your organization, such as...
...and here's where you get to gloat about how awesome you are. Some companies will see this as actual gloating and strike you off the potential candidate list immediately... so I'm not sure what response they're actually trying to solicit. However the smart interviewer will realize they've handed you a ticket to pump yourself up and will listen attentively and critically to what you have to say.
"Why do you want to work for our company over others?"
Wrong Answer: Your company seems to have too much money. It's a serious and undervalued problem. I can take some off your hands.
Truthful Answer: I'd really like to command a squadron of Star Destroyers and obliterate puny, worthless planets and their stupid pointless populations (starting with this one), but instead I'm applying here. Like most people, I need a job for money so I can eat and your posting was the only one I found this week.
Right Answer: Your company seems to be unique and is offering an exciting opportunity which expands along my current career trajectory.
It helps if the "right" answer is also the truth!
"Describe your greatest weakness."
Wrong Answer: I'm a perfectionist and won't rest until everything is absolutely perfect.
Wrong Answer: Me fail English? That's unpossible.
Truthful Answer: Oh $%*!%@* off. Really? Like anyone is going to honestly answer that one.
Right Answer: Is there a right answer to this one?
I've found that Simpson's references seem to go over a lot of peoples heads during interviews.
One variant of this question which is a lot more useful, specific and I might add, I actually enjoyed answering was: "What challenges do you feel you have failed in the past, or did not deal with as well as you could have and how did you respond to resolving and improving the situation?" Excellent question... smart interviewer.
"What challenges do you expect to encounter at our company?"
Wrong Answer: All IT work is always challenging and inherently rewarding in itself.
Wrong Answer: People and human nature are always the most challenging part of any equation.
Truthful Answer: Finding a $%*!%@* place to park apparently.
Right Answer: If the company has actually provided you with information regarding their operation, you'll be able to answer this one pretty well. Unfortunately, most companies I've interviewed with haven't been terribly transparent, and invariably, they're always the one's to ask this!
"Why are you transitioning away from your current employer?"
Wrong Answer: I'm looking to join a company that respects, recognizes and rewards it's employees. for excelling in their positions and their extra contributions.
Truthful Answer: They're an abusive bunch of greedy, conniving, treacherous, incompetent half-wits who I wouldn't trust to manage a compost heap. I'm surprised the organization hasn't already imploded and would like out before I do.
Right Answer: I'm searching for more career growth opportunities and additional challenges that improve my skills.
This one is always tricky. The "wrong" answer can actually be the correct answer at honest companies that do actually value their staff. The "right" answer will work in most situations, but particularly companies that don't really care if you die from exhaustion, chained to your oar, while rowing the company trireme.
Of course, I never get asked the questions I'd love to be asked:
"How will you deal with this puny Rebel Alliance?"
"What is the distance to the main power generators?"
"How often should you flog the stupid employees?"
"What is the definition of the word: cromulent?"
"What is the prefix code of the USS Reliant?"
Alas, my vast wealth of knowledge of The Simpson's, Star Trek, and Star Wars remains untapped.
Of course, the greatest interview one can have is the one where you get hired, particularly if it's at a great company that truly and honestly cares about the welfare of its staff. It's rare, but I can tell you from personal experience, they do exist.
*I actually wrote this on my first resume out of high school.
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