Travelling: London

I have four rules in regards to travelling:

1. Don't travel anywhere that doesn't have a McDonald's restaurant. 
2. Don't travel anywhere where you can't (at least at a cursory glance) blend into the local population. 
3. Don't travel anywhere between the tropics of Cancer and Capricorn.
4. Never bring an idiot with you when you travel; you can always pick one up when you arrive.*

Now, this may seem a tad restrictive, but there are very good reasons why I follow these simple rules. To elaborate: 

Having a case for only visiting locations with a McDonald's restaurant has two benefits: One, the country is economically and politically stable enough to support the franchise... in other words, it's probably not on the list of countries under a travel advisory. Two, McDonald's is fairly safe to eat (at least in the short term), and it's basically the same the world over.  So, if you're unable to eat the local cuisine because it doesn't agree with your tummy, or it's just too damned expensive, you and your wallet can always find refuge under the golden arches. 

I like to blend in with the local population as much as possible when I travel. A good clue that you've succeeded is when other locals start asking you for directions. In other words, don't stand out like someone who has a lot of extra income and that no one at home will miss for another couple of weeks. Plastering little Canadian or American flags all over your clothes is not a deterrent... it's an invitation. 

I've only traveled to Earth's tropical zone once... and I learned my lesson pretty darned quickly. Pale blue people aren't meant to spend a lot of time in the sun. Ideally, they should spend their holidays in places where they can complain about the cold and the rain. Any place where it is so hot that you're unable to consume alcohol regularly, well... it's just isn't civilized enough to visit. Additionally, it just seems logical not to travel to countries that require a series of shots (and not the fun, drinkable kind). 

***

Recently I was over in the UK for a two week holiday. The UK is my favourite place to travel to as it fulfills all the above criteria.

Sunset over Big Ben and Parliament

First on my stop was London, which incidentally of all the large cities I've visited (I've also been to Toronto, Paris and Glasgow) is my favourite large city. London, unlike Toronto, has the benefit of a superb public transportation system, has better weather than Glasgow, and most importantly, isn't in France (although this time around, you certainly could have fooled me... there were that many rude French tourists).

I've visited London a few times, but this is the first time I've made it to some of the more popular tourist attractions:

The Tower of London

The White Tower

The White Tower (one of the oldest surviving intact Norman castles in Europe) in the Tower of London complex is a must see. Not so much for the crown jewels (really, it's just a bunch of fancy hats with shiny things embedded in them), but for Henry the VIII's rotund suit of armor with the giant cod piece (in those days they didn't have large fancy sports cars for those with a severe case of penis envy). Really, you can't appreciate how ridiculously amusing it is unless you see it in person.

The Tower of London is of course the place where all those politically unpopular people throughout British history got to spend their time before they were chopped into small pieces for distribution around Britain. Personally I think they should re-open it for it's original purpose.

From the Tower of London site, you also get an excellent view of the Tower Bridge, The Shard, and the HMS Belfast.

The Tower Bridge or as the Americans know it: The Bridge we
thought we'd bought, but actually didn't. 

St. Paul's Cathedral

St. Paul's Cathedral

One of Christopher Wren's architectural marvels that you have to see in person to truly appreciate (you may not be quite so appreciative after climbing the 520 steps to the top if you're not the climbing type, or have just stepped off a five hour trans-Atlantic flight.) The view from the top of St. Paul's is not only an incredibly commanding view of London, but also breathtaking.

We're quite lucky to be able to appreciate the majesty of St. Paul's cathedral today, as during WWII, the Germans did their best to turn it into a future urban renewal site.

St. Paul's contains the memorials and burial places of a lot of very important people including two of my personal French thrashing heroes, Admiral Horatio Nelson and the Duke of Wellington.  All attempts to resurrect them to assist me with chasing all the damned French out of London unfortunately came to naught.

The British Museum

There are many interesting exhibits at the British Museum, including the Egyptian rooms, the Elgin Marbles and the Rosetta Stone but to name a few.

The best quote of the day goes to an obviously American tourist while looking at the Rosetta stone: "So that's what the software translation company is named after." At least he learned something.

The Elgin Marbles: When violent, bestiality laden porn was
so popular, they decorated buildings with it.**

There is however, such a thing as seeing too many shards of pottery in the same day. After two hours and hundreds of examples, shards of pottery, whether they are from 5000 years ago, or from last week, become pretty much indistinguishable from one another.

The museum is free to enter, so you can't argue about the price.

The National Gallery

Most art is lost on me.

Trafalgar Square from the steps of the
National Gallery 

I'm really only a fan of art depicting the destruction of French armies and French fleets during the Napoleonic wars. I mostly went to the National Gallery because my girlfriend wanted to go, and secondly, I wanted to see J.M.W. Turner's "Fighting Temeraire" (and not because Daniel Craig was with it in a scene in Skyfall, but because I happen to be interested in Naval history). Other than that, all I have to say about the National Gallery is that there were too many French people there, and there really are only so many pictures of Jesus one can look at in one afternoon. Thousands of paintings covering over 700 years of some of the most talented people to slap some paint on some canvas in history and the main theme is Jesus Friggin' Christ. I don't care that it was painted by Leonardo daVinci, it's the eighteenth damned painting of a guy being nailed to a plank of wood I've seen in a ten minute period.

If however, you like looking at art, particularly art which features a guy being nailed to a plank of wood, then the National Gallery is the place for you. Particularly if you're also cheapskate (it's free entry).

The London Eye

It was mildly fun... the views were great (not as great as St. Paul's)... I'm just not sure it was worth the 20 quid.

Part of the lovely London skyline from the London Eye

The Cabinet War Rooms

The bunker complex known as the Cabinet War Rooms is where Sir Winston Churchill and his cabinet spent most of their time directing WWII because the French invited the German's into France. And they were terrible hosts. Couldn't even be bothered to stick it out in Paris... they spent most of the war complaining about the accommodations and lack of decent wine in London.

All humour aside, it's a fascinating (and haunting) place to walk around... provided you're interested in WWII and Winston Churchill. If not, then it's a dank, cold cellar with a souvenir shop at the end.

Westminster Abbey

Abbeys and cathedrals; they're both generally great big, impressive monuments to an invisible bearded guy that created the Earth in less than a fortnight. They both have towers, spires and those buttressy looking thingies that keep them from collapsing on the poor peasants that got drafted into building the damned things.

So, what's the difference between and abbey and a cathedral?

Well, to the average tourist... &*^% bloody all.***

Still, it's worth poking your head into Westminster Abbey to see the chair all the Kings and Queens of England have planted their arses on.

Next Up: Our visit to Portsmouth

*This one isn't mine in origin... special thanks to Billy Connelly. Sage advice.
**And people complain about the violence on television today. I wonder if they had special interests groups in ancient Greece lobbying to have "These statues may contain scenes of violence, nudity, and other offensive subject matter. Viewer discretion is advised." chiseled on to the damn things. The Greeks strike me as having been a little more sensible back in those days... they probably had the complainers dragged out into public to have their eyes put out. 
***A minor technicality actually. An abbot runs the show at an abbey and a bishop runs the show at a cathedral. A daft and completely arbitrary way or defining structures, but then again, religion is pretty arbitrary about everything, so why would this be any different?