Story Time with Xorton

During most afternoons, Iona and I often spend the time constructing things out of her Megablocks (okay, I construct, she deconstructs) for her little stuffed animal friends to play in.

These little play sessions often evolve (or devolve as may be the case) into strange little stories that I create for Iona. Perhaps it's that I spend most of my days with one who communicates primarily in drool and the lack of adult contact is finally getting to me (or maybe it's just me) but her animal friends live tragic, tragic lives as I will illustrate with one such story we recently performed. It's called:

"Tigger Takes a Drive in a Drag Racer"

Now, before I begin, I will note that I find that all of Iona's animal friends speak like Michael Cain (or variations there of). I don't know why, they just do. They also swear a lot. Anyway...

One day, Tigger was taking a stroll in the forest with his friend Roger Rhino. As they walked, they talked about the sort of thing that stuffed animals usually talk about, which usually revolves around nonsense, like how many marbles each of them could hold up there noses or how much blunt force trauma it would take to beat Winnie the Pooh senseless. As they walked, they came across what appeared to be a brand new drag racer.

"Well, well." said Tigger. "Someone has left a brand new drag racer right hear in the middle of the hundred acre wood."

"Yes and it appears as though they've left the keys in the ignition." observed Roger.

"What a $%@& idiot. Well, I do think that's an open invitation. I shall have to take it for a little spin." Tigger grinned. 

Roger felt otherwise and said so. 

"Gee Tigger, I don't think it's such a wise idea to be taking someone else's drag racer for a spin through the forest. For starters, it's not yours, and secondly, you don't know how to @#$% drive."

Tigger was insulted. 

"Nonsense! Driving drag racers through the forest a breakneck speeds is what Tigger's do best!" 

Tigger hopped into the drag racer, turned the ignition, and gave the engine a couple of revs. 

"Broom, broom!" grinned Tigger. "See you on the other side!"

Tigger quickly accelerated to top speed along the dirt path, leaving dust and dried leaves blowing in his wake. As the trees whisked by in a blur, he foolishly turned to flip Roger the bird.

"Look Roger, no @#$% hands! Loser!"

It was an inopportune moment as just then, Sophie the Giraffe, also out on a stroll, just happen to be crossing the path of the oncoming vehicle. Luckily for Sophie, Tigger saw her at the last moment.

"$%&@!" said Tigger as he spun the steering wheel, and stood on the brakes.

The drag racer careened into a tree and flipped over several times, throwing Tigger from the smoldering wreck (Tigger's don't wear seat belts, you know). Startled, Sophie scampered off back into the woods.

Tigger lay on the ground, paralyzed in agony. Roger saw the accident and quickly borrowed a school bus (that just happened to be conveniently sitting nearby), and rushed off to rescue Tigger with the intention of taking him straight to the hospital. Well, almost straight to the hospital. It was almost time for his mid-afternoon pint.

Now as you may or may not know, Rhinos aren't the best drivers due to their extremely poor eyesight. Now, Roger was if nothing, a careful Rhino and being well aware of his optical failings, drove extra slow to the crash site, so as not to become embroiled in another accident. It took him two hours to arrive. Unfortunately, when he did finally arrive, he promptly backed over poor Tigger (who was still laying on the ground, unconscious, which was probably just as well for Tigger.)

"Oops." said Roger. "I better pull forward."

Roger shifted the vehicle back into drive and pulled forward dragging Tigger by the face.

"Oops." said Roger.

And Roger proceeded to back over and drag Tigger about for some time as he attempted to find just the right combination of maneuvers that would remove Tigger from the bottom of the bus, or the bus from the top of Tigger... whichever one was best; Roger wasn't quite too sure which.

Eventually, they made it to the hospital where Tigger was pronounced dead on arrival, but being a stuffed animal, was quickly upgraded to critical condition. Several painful reconstructive surgeries later, and several months in traction, a horribly disfigured and crippled Tigger is now starting on his long path of many, many painful years of recovery.

Apparently driving drag racers is not what Tigger's do best.

Next Week: "Roger Rhino picks up his alcoholic friend Buskar Bear from the pub"