Back when I first started working many years ago, in addition to working as the "mail room boy" I was also tasked with ordering lunches for the staff every day.
The company had a policy that if you worked through your unpaid lunch hour, the company would pick up the tab on lunch. At the time, this was a pretty sweet deal (I made minimum wage) however as I made more money and took on more responsibilities, I realized that it was basically a subtle way to get a cheap hour of labour out of the staff.
As soon as I caught onto this, I started ordering the most expensive items on the menu or ordering a "starter" to go along with it. Most days I was fairly successful at exceeding my hourly salary and on many days I had enough food left over for dinner. It was quite a nice loophole while it lasted.
A couple of years later I think they finally caught on to my little scheme, so they changed the office lunch policy. The free lunch was cancelled as it was apparently costing the company too much money and people were pressured to work through unpaid lunch whether they wanted to or not without compensation.
As you can imagine, I said "Sod that nonsense!" and started going home for lunch and an afternoon kip. My lunch hours eventually grew into close to two hours. By this point, the company had essentially abandoned all pretense of being nice and declared open season on it's employees, so this was my little way of fighting back.
Anyway, this particular blog isn't really supposed to be about my first bouts with the evil ways of the corporate mindset, but with my first encounter with office stupidity.
If you've ever ordered lunch for an office, you'll know what I mean.
We used to order from a wide variety of local restaurants, but on this particular day I thought we'd have a nice treat and have McDonalds. I began my rounds and walked about the office taking orders starting with one of our managers. He always reminded me of Jabba the Hutt, so that's how I'll refer to him here:
Me: We're going to McDonalds today. What would you like?
Jabba: Uhm, what do they have?
Me: Really? Where the hell have you been living the last 50 years? Uh, you know, like burgers and fries and the like.
Jabba: I'll take a couple of hot dogs.
Me: Are you kidding me? They haven't had hot dogs at McDonalds in quite some time. I think you're thinking of Harvey's.
Jabba: Can we go there instead then?
Me: Harvey's closed down in this town five years ago and the closest one is an half hour drive away. And I'm not driving an hour to bring you a &*#%*^@ cold hot dog you fat bastard.
Jabba: Oh. Hmmf. Well, I guess I'll just have nothing.
Me: Whatever.
I proceeded to take the order from one of our secretaries. She was at least a hundred years old, so I was expecting a similar conversation.
Me: Okay, we're going to McDonalds today... and don't tell me you want a hot dog.
Secretary: They have hot dogs?
Me: No, they don't.
Secretary: Oh... well I'll have the stew then.
Me: Aaaaach! They DON'T have STEW!
Secretary: What kind of restaurant doesn't have stew?
Me: I think you're thinking of Wendys, and they have chili, not stew.
Secretary: Well, I'll take a chili then.
Me: I'm going to murder you. We're going to McDonalds, not Wendys.
Secretary: Can you go to both?
Me: I'm not making two trips. This is becoming far more complicated than it needs to be. We're only going to McDonalds.
Secretary: Well, I guess I'll just STARVE then.
Me: Suits me fine. You stupid old &*$%@.
While at least of the rest of the staff were aware of the fair that was available from McDonalds, they were all equally frustrating as they all insisted on customizing their orders. If you've ever ordered more than one meal at McDonalds, you'll know that customization is not their specialty. You'll be lucky if you receive anything close to what you ordered at all. I remember a friend of mine who'd once ordered a "filet o' fish" meal with one small change... he ended up with a sandwich without the actual filet.
The rest of the conversations went something like this:
Me: Alright, what do you want?
Staff Member: I'll take a Big Mac Meal, but I don't like the middle bun or the sauce, and I really don't need the extra patty either.
Me: Okay, one, you realize that when you customize a McDonalds meal, you'll get the exact opposite of what you want if you get anything at all. I mean, just going to McDonalds with 15 separate orders to begin with is pretty much inviting disaster. Two, what's the point in ordering a Big Mac if you remove everything that makes it a Big Mac? Why not just get a cheeseburger?
Staff Member: Oh, and hold the pickles too!
Me: And you weren't listening to me at all...
I didn't make any changes to any of their orders and just pretended to write. I wanted to place my orders and get out of McDonalds in the same lifetime. Naturally I got barraged with a number of complaints upon my return:
"Where are my extra pickles??"
"I'm missing my fries!"
"This coke isn't diet! And it's not even coke!"
"I have extra pickles! I hate pickles!"
"What's this goop on my Big Mac! I specifically said 'no sauce'!"
At this point I resigned my lunch ordering responsibilities and I've steered well clear of taking charge of lunch orders ever since.
The company had a policy that if you worked through your unpaid lunch hour, the company would pick up the tab on lunch. At the time, this was a pretty sweet deal (I made minimum wage) however as I made more money and took on more responsibilities, I realized that it was basically a subtle way to get a cheap hour of labour out of the staff.
As soon as I caught onto this, I started ordering the most expensive items on the menu or ordering a "starter" to go along with it. Most days I was fairly successful at exceeding my hourly salary and on many days I had enough food left over for dinner. It was quite a nice loophole while it lasted.
A couple of years later I think they finally caught on to my little scheme, so they changed the office lunch policy. The free lunch was cancelled as it was apparently costing the company too much money and people were pressured to work through unpaid lunch whether they wanted to or not without compensation.
As you can imagine, I said "Sod that nonsense!" and started going home for lunch and an afternoon kip. My lunch hours eventually grew into close to two hours. By this point, the company had essentially abandoned all pretense of being nice and declared open season on it's employees, so this was my little way of fighting back.
Anyway, this particular blog isn't really supposed to be about my first bouts with the evil ways of the corporate mindset, but with my first encounter with office stupidity.
If you've ever ordered lunch for an office, you'll know what I mean.
We used to order from a wide variety of local restaurants, but on this particular day I thought we'd have a nice treat and have McDonalds. I began my rounds and walked about the office taking orders starting with one of our managers. He always reminded me of Jabba the Hutt, so that's how I'll refer to him here:
Me: We're going to McDonalds today. What would you like?
Jabba: Uhm, what do they have?
Me: Really? Where the hell have you been living the last 50 years? Uh, you know, like burgers and fries and the like.
Jabba: I'll take a couple of hot dogs.
Me: Are you kidding me? They haven't had hot dogs at McDonalds in quite some time. I think you're thinking of Harvey's.
Jabba: Can we go there instead then?
Me: Harvey's closed down in this town five years ago and the closest one is an half hour drive away. And I'm not driving an hour to bring you a &*#%*^@ cold hot dog you fat bastard.
Jabba: Oh. Hmmf. Well, I guess I'll just have nothing.
Me: Whatever.
I proceeded to take the order from one of our secretaries. She was at least a hundred years old, so I was expecting a similar conversation.
Me: Okay, we're going to McDonalds today... and don't tell me you want a hot dog.
Secretary: They have hot dogs?
Me: No, they don't.
Secretary: Oh... well I'll have the stew then.
Me: Aaaaach! They DON'T have STEW!
Secretary: What kind of restaurant doesn't have stew?
Me: I think you're thinking of Wendys, and they have chili, not stew.
Secretary: Well, I'll take a chili then.
Me: I'm going to murder you. We're going to McDonalds, not Wendys.
Secretary: Can you go to both?
Me: I'm not making two trips. This is becoming far more complicated than it needs to be. We're only going to McDonalds.
Secretary: Well, I guess I'll just STARVE then.
Me: Suits me fine. You stupid old &*$%@.
While at least of the rest of the staff were aware of the fair that was available from McDonalds, they were all equally frustrating as they all insisted on customizing their orders. If you've ever ordered more than one meal at McDonalds, you'll know that customization is not their specialty. You'll be lucky if you receive anything close to what you ordered at all. I remember a friend of mine who'd once ordered a "filet o' fish" meal with one small change... he ended up with a sandwich without the actual filet.
The rest of the conversations went something like this:
Me: Alright, what do you want?
Staff Member: I'll take a Big Mac Meal, but I don't like the middle bun or the sauce, and I really don't need the extra patty either.
Me: Okay, one, you realize that when you customize a McDonalds meal, you'll get the exact opposite of what you want if you get anything at all. I mean, just going to McDonalds with 15 separate orders to begin with is pretty much inviting disaster. Two, what's the point in ordering a Big Mac if you remove everything that makes it a Big Mac? Why not just get a cheeseburger?
Staff Member: Oh, and hold the pickles too!
Me: And you weren't listening to me at all...
I didn't make any changes to any of their orders and just pretended to write. I wanted to place my orders and get out of McDonalds in the same lifetime. Naturally I got barraged with a number of complaints upon my return:
"Where are my extra pickles??"
"I'm missing my fries!"
"This coke isn't diet! And it's not even coke!"
"I have extra pickles! I hate pickles!"
"What's this goop on my Big Mac! I specifically said 'no sauce'!"
At this point I resigned my lunch ordering responsibilities and I've steered well clear of taking charge of lunch orders ever since.
You still go for toilet paper though, right?
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