Office Report

The following material was an actual office report I was asked to submit (and actually submitted) a good number of years ago at a company I used to work for. Tired of spending hours and hours exhaustively researching and compiling information, only to see the finished report sit neglected on my managers desk for several weeks before being discarded or simply filed away, I decided it wasn't worth the usual effort, and put some small effort into writing something amusing, more for the benefit of my sanity than anything else. So far as I know, this report is still sitting in a filing cabinet waiting to be discovered. ~ Xorton

Contents

1.      Overview

2.      Office Issues / Recommendations

3.      Conclusion

1. Overview

It has come to my attention that no one gives my reports any more attention than they would a homeless drifter or a squashed fly, and upon submission, they’re usually filed away, never to see the light of day again. That said, in this report I intend to make only completely useless suggestions and offer only humorous opinions in the dim hope that a decade or so from now, some enlightened manager may get a chuckle upon coming across this report. 

2. Issues

A) Storage Concerns

We are rapidly running out of storage space to store our inventory, archives, and for that matter people.

I recommend that we stick with our current policy of cramming stuff into the existing storage spaces. The way I see it, quantum mechanics will at some point come into play (hopefully before the building collapses) and the sheer amount of material being stored here should generate sufficient mass to collapse upon itself, creating a small stable quantum singularity (more commonly known as a black hole, it has been theorized that these phenomena are the doorways to other dimensions in space and time, where presumably there is more storage space). This would effectively resolve our storage problems provided we never wanted to retrieve any of our inventory, files or staff again (potential benefit?) Current physics unfortunately do not explain how to escape a black hole, nor how to create an inverse quantum singularity to travel back through.

B) The Bee Problem

For the past two months we have been plagued by a bee infestation.

While watching staff with bee allergies swell up after being stung has been extraordinarily amusing, I think it might well be time that we dealt with the problem. I suggest we lure them into the black hole (as mentioned above) by having one of the least important staff members dress up as a giant flower and jump in first.

C) Decision Making Processes and Office Protocols

Our processes and protocols seem to keep changing. Thanks to the long string of consultants, I have been successfully de-programmed and I no longer have any idea who I am, or what I actually do here.

I have a magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball never lies. Let us put all of our faith in the decision making process of the Magic 8-Ball. Or, better yet, let’s hire a team of high priced consultants on permanently. I hear the more incoherent and expensive they are, the better the quality. Some catch phrases that I have learned to watch out for in recognizing this quality are:

“We need to synergize our philanthropic cylinders”.

“On a go forward basis, we should realign our methodology resources”.

“We need to quantify our current strategic mission plan statements”.

D) The Bathroom Sewer Smell

This foul odor has plagued us for years. It’s exceptionally bad when the toilet has been recently flushed.

I recommend that no one uses the toilet. A second option would be to hang some road kill from the ceiling. As the corpse rots, it should effectively cover up the smell.

E) Technical Problems

For every technical problem we've had, we have been applying technical solutions. While this has been almost effective, despite management’s best attempts to the contrary and despite a complete ignorance of technology, I believe we have a simpler solution…

Let’s apply non-technical solutions to our IT problems. Not only will it be more expensive in the long run, but it gives people less time to goof around. For example, instead of upgrading all our P2 desktops, let’s simply get rid of them all. We should have only one computer in the office and that should be a vintage Commodore VIC-20. Everyone else should be supplied with mechanical type writers, or if they’re less technically savvy, stone slabs, hammers and chisels. If possible we should also try to purchase some rotary phones and remove all the stereo equipment… it distracts employees. We should instead purchase an 8-Track player and have it play motivational message tapes such as “Get Back to Work You Lazy Employees” and the sequel, “How to Beat Your Workers into Submissive Obedience”. I believe were recorded originally recorded in the Soviet Union during the 1950’s.

F) Lunches, Breaks and Holidays

Lunches, breaks and holidays reduce the total amount of work that can be effectively accomplished within a given year… that’s why we’re always so busy.

We should minimize these benefits. Lunch should be reduced to five minutes and breaks should be eliminated altogether. Unfortunately, holidays are regulated by the government, but we can make employees take work with them and have them call in to the office for three hour long status meetings on a daily basis. Sick days should also be eliminated, as sickness is really only in the mind. While we’re at it, let’s get rid of the dental plan… teeth are over-rated and chewing takes time. With a liquid lunch, we can minimize our lunch breaks to less than two minutes.

3. Conclusion

A happy and respected worker, content with his office environment, and supplied with modern equipment is non-productive, imaginative and independent. Happiness is like a disease and should be stamped out before it spreads. Therefore, employees should be abused and ignored until they show signs of depression, frustration, weariness, and disillusionment. These are the hallmarks of a healthy work oriented attitude and a healthy work environment that is sure to see an explosion in productivity.