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They don't call me Captain Christmas ironically for nuthin'...

It's bad enough Christmas ads are now in full affect.

Do people really need to start playing and whistling Christmas music?

Come the New Order (and this will be documented fully in the manifesto) the following directives will be observed on penalty of severe punishment (without trial) including, but not limited to death:
  1. No Christmas music, Christmas "styled" music or music of a Christmas-like nature or spirit may be played, whistled, transmitted via radio or internet or otherwise made audible from Dec. 26 (of the current year) to Dec. 15 (of the following year). 
  2. Playing, creating, transmitting or otherwise making audible said music during the banned period will result in the following increasingly severe punishments as dolled out by the Anti-Christmas Police (a subsidiary of the Ministry of Attitude Correction): 
    • First Offence: Transgressors lips will be stapled shut and hands will be sewn over their ears for a period of 16 days. 16 days in the pillory will follow while the transgressor is pelted with uneaten Christmas oranges. 
    • Second Offence: Transgressor will be sealed in a small cage, forced to listen to "Jingle Bells" as performed by Barney the Purple Dinosaur continuously for 365 consecutive days while subsisting purely on a diet of old Christmas cake. 
    • Final Offence: Immediate execution of the offending individual by being fed live to deranged mutant reindeer. 
  3. Only officially sanctioned Christmas or Christmas-like music may be played during the authorized period. No other Christmas music may be played during the authorized period and punishments will be enacted on transgressors according to the list as in point two. The officially acceptable sanctioned music is as follows: 
    • Handel's "Messiah"
    • Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite"
    • Weezer's "Christmas with Weezer"
    • Un-credited Traditional "Batman Smells Variation on 'Jingle Bells'"
  4. For a surprisingly large fee ($837,001.82), interested individuals born between the years 1537 and 1842 (according to the Julian Calender) may file a formal request for additions to the officially sanctioned list by downloading a request form from the New Order's government website. Upon submission, please wait the mandatory 300 trillion days for processing. 
All hail the Lord Protector of the realm, and may he continue to protect us from ourselves.

Comments

  1. ChaosAdventurer9 November 2012 at 12:28

    Another idea today by another fella I follow along these lines. It would be interesting if you two join forces.

    Howard Tayler ‏@howardtayler
    Took a nap. All is now right with the world. Interesting. When I run for Emperor of Earth my platform will include NAPTIME ENFORCED BY hmmmm

    ReplyDelete
  2. Xorton9 November 2012 at 12:32

    Nap time is only for the ruling elite.

    Everyone else gets a five minute "personal reflection time" per day when they can reflect on why they haven't done enough for their Lord Protector.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown16 November 2012 at 12:20

    The world has no clue what it is in for. They will though, when the first 100 000 CAM-ST's hit the ground.

    My mother (a known Xmas fan) failed to see the humor in me taking one of her creepy reindeer statue thingmes and putting a knife through it, laying it on the table as if it had been freshly killed. These are the people that will suffer the most.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Xorton18 November 2012 at 13:56

      Dude... that is so awesome. You should have taken a picture of it.

      Delete

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