How to De-Obligify your Xmas

I realize it's a little early for a Christmas post, but lately I've noticed that the Christmas idiots have started getting nostalgic and have started putting out decorations and humming Christmas tunes mindlessly. So, why not get a head start of some Christmas ranting!?

Over the years, and in particular this past year, I have noticed an increasing amount of people becoming brutally stressed out due to Christmas related obligations and even continuing to exhibit signs of post-traumatic holiday syndrome (PTHS) long after the holidays are over.

Holiday Fact: Would it surprise you to know that over 98% of people* feel as though they are obligated to be actively involved with festivities during the holiday season?

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that many of us feel as though we have no choice other than to participate in gift giving, pot-lucks, family get-togethers and various other holiday activities, even when it has pushed us to the point of a nervous breakdown or murdering our families on Christmas morning.

And why?

Overwhelmingly, most people feel "What would my friends and family think of me?" or something very similar to this sentiment.

Many years ago, long before I got to the murder stage, I decided to STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK and cancel Christmas completely. This has set a precedent which allows me to effectively control which aspects of Christmas and the holiday season I choose enjoy... and on my terms, no one else's.

Today I will share with you some advice on how to successfully extract yourself from Christmas obligations based on my own experiences, but first:

How to recognize that Christmas has run it's course and is long overdue for being cancelled

1. Everyone exchanges the same exact gifts as they did the year before (usually alcohol and chocolate). 
2. You exchange the exact same gift with another person (usually the afore mentioned alcohol and chocolate.)
3. Family get-togethers are essentially several hours of uncomfortable silence with everyone staring at the walls, attempting to avoid eye contact. 
4. For those families not quite so lucky enough (as the ones above), instead of an uncomfortable silence, those same hours are spent re-opening old wounds and revisiting arguments of Christmases past. Weee.
5. For the Secret Santa exchange, everyone gave everyone else gift cards... from the same store. 
6. You have resorted to giving crappy home-made gifts assembled at the last minute from random household objects. You're also not above "requisitioning" your child's recent art projects for the cause, or re-gifting crappy items they've constructed for you. 
7. You've gone way beyond point five and are now actively pressing your children and their friends into service in a sweat shop type factory, producing Christmas gift crap for your friends and relatives. If you reach the point where you are now forcing the children in your Christmas sweat shop to wear elf costumes, pointed ears, sing carols for visitors and have just launched a website to sell your wares online, you've gone too far (although, it really is the true spirit of a capitalist Christmas). 
8. You doubled the mileage on your car and voided the warranty while visiting all your relatives.  
9. Every holiday season you come down with the same dreadful holiday cold which lasts the duration of the holidays and makes all the assorted obligations that more painful. 
10. You spend Christmas get-togethers hiding out with the kids just so you have someone happy and fun to talk to (plus they have some pretty cool toys). 
11. Everyone brings the same damn shrimp ring to the pot luck. 
12. You notice that presents you gave to people last year are still in their original packaging. 
13. Not including Christmas expenses on your spouse or children (if you have any), your credit card bill for January now exceeds the GNP of Zimbabwe (granted not a lot by international standards, but well more than you can afford on an annual basis). 
14. You watch "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and think to yourself, "How I envy that family."

Signs that you or your partner is suffering from post or pre-traumatic holiday syndrome

1. Come November, you start spending a significant amount of time curled into a ball, quietly rocking in a dark corner, weeping into your sleeve.
2. Openly weeping randomly and suddenly for no apparent reason. 
3. Punching and kicking the mall elves. 
4. Attacking anyone dressed as Santa with a large kitchen knife.
5. Responding to "Merry Christmas" with "F**K YOU!", "F**K OFF!" or just punching people in the teeth. 
6. Humming Christmas songs while sporting a creepy grin like the "Joker" from "Batman". 
7. Laughing maniacally while driving around the streets, hurling glass Christmas ornaments at random strangers. 
8. Christmas advertisements result in you issuing a long incoherent string of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. 
9. The last jackass that asked you if "you'd finished your Christmas shopping"ended up tied up with ribbon, liberally decorated with Christmas decorations, and unceremoniously dumped under the town centre's Christmas tree.  
10. Setting fire to the home Christmas tree. 
11. Christmas specials result in random large objects being hurled at the television. 
12. Eating Christmas ornaments. 
13. Self mutilation with a sharpened candy cane. 
14. You've considered hanging yourself from a rafter in the basement with garland. 
15. You sneak around after dark re-positioning Nativity scenes so that Jesus is being buggered by a camel. The wise men are lined up behind the camel awaiting their turn. 

How to escape Christmas

1. Don't travel anywhere, even if it's next door. Ideally, you shouldn't open your front door for the entirety of the two officially recognized holiday days (plus adjoining weekends). 
2. Don't permit visitors... it's not always easy to deter some people... so don't answer the door, keep your blinds and curtains closed and turn off those Christmas lights. In fact, don't put the damn things up in the first place.   
3. Don't make any elaborate meals unless you really want to, and keep it limited to the people that will be locked up with you during the enforced holiday isolation.
4. Make Christmas Day and Boxing Day "pajama days". These should be old pajamas; the more holes the better. It may just act as an incentive for your surprise guests to leave early.
5. Limit your gift giving or eliminate it entirely. This is an important point. 
6. Avoid holiday get-togethers. Simple enough, right? If people inquire as to why you aren't attending, tell the truth: "I don't f*****g want to."
7. If you do any shopping, do what little shopping you do early... like in June. 
8. If you're still obligated to cook a Christmas dinner for relatives that just won't take no for an answer, start cooking non-traditional Christmas dinners. Be imaginative and take some liberties as to the definition of the word "edible". For example, menu items could include items like the following: a frozen pie crust, Tom Collins mix, and cloves. 
9. Take a holiday out of the country to a location where Christmas is not celebrated. Mind you, most of those places are on the list of state sponsored terrorism, but on the bright side, it still might be slightly better than dealing with the in-laws. 
10. The last and most important point: Stop giving a shit about what other people think. 

Keep in mind, as most people are merely participating out of a mistaken sense of obligation, by refusing to continue the madness yourself, you will free others from the self imposed shackles of the Christmas season. Give the gift that keeps on not giving. Normal people will appreciate it more than anything you will ever buy them.

*Xorton Analytics LLC statistic 2013