Sarcasm with Kids

At Iona's age, it's pretty easy for me to be sarcastic to her... mostly because I can say things with impunity and secondly (and most importantly) there are no repercussions. In a couple of more years I'll probably be guaranteed a slap across the chops for any of my cheekier comments (Iona doesn't put up with crap... at least when she understands what is being said).

In the meantime, here are some highlights I've enjoyed telling her:

On where she came from: 

We got you from the baby shop. I went in and asked for the smartest, cutest, happiest baby they had. Unfortunately they were all out of those, so we got you instead.

You can also purchase cheap babies from the grocery store. You know that aisle with all the packages with babies on them? You just buy one of them, take it home and add water. Then you get a baby, just like the picture on the package. Most of them are pretty ugly though... and defective. Quick lesson here: you can't buy quality merchandise from a grocery store.

We spent a little more for you. We got you from the chemists. 

On getting her first car: 

You can have whatever car you want when you turn 16. Daddy will even buy it for you. All you have to do is say: "yes, please" right now and it's all yours. What's that? Not a word to say? Well, you can't say I didn't offer. 

On monsters: 

Certainly monsters exist. A little know fact: monsters are attracted by crying babies. In fact, the worst monsters are attracted by crying babies. They have the greasiest spikey hair... like needles... razor sharp talons and claws, blood red eyes that glow in the dark, super sensitive ears that can hear a crying child at 1000 paces and horrendous death stench breath from all the dead baby bits stuck in their fangs. Commonly they like to start by nibbling on baby toes and fingers, then work there way up... keeps the baby alive and squirming in complete torment until the final bites. Monsters like their prey moving.

The best way to avoid monsters is to stop your whinging and go to bed.

On bad behavior: 

If you don't smarten up I'll take you back to the baby store for a quieter model. That's right, I paid for the extended warranty. Only time I've ever done that. Don't f**k with daddy. I've out-stubborned three year olds. 

On the tooth fairy

What a load of crap. Of course there's no tooth fairy! What fairy have you ever heard of willingly exchanges cash for a bunch of moldy old teeth that have been in a kid's goopey mouth?! No, there's no tooth fairy... there are however tooth gremlins. They sneak around at night, squeezing their miniature, but totally gross, filth ridden, obese forms into the mouths of children who sleep with their mouths open. They then proceed to use small crowbars and saws to loosen your teeth every night until they fall out. They then collect the teeth to build various construction projects. Usually big forts, but I believe they were also sub-contracted to build the Canadian Senate building.

No, they don't leave any cash either. That would cut into their profit margin.

On the Moon

That's no moon. That's a space station.

On Yo-Gabba Gabba (A Children's Television Show)

You know, those people are trapped in the television for our amusement. You see, the television is an alternate dimension from which there is no escape. The people on your program were very, very bad (I think they paused to talk in the grocery store, inconsiderately blocking an aisle). So the overlords have sentenced them all to an eternity in this mindless crappy television program. Pretty cool, huh?

You don't want to know what the TeleTubbies did.

On Santa Claus

Of course there's a Santa Claus. Actually there's thousand of Santa Claus's. He was cloned years ago by Sears... that's why there's so many of them at the mall. They usually keep them locked up in storage during the off season. I think they feed them old reindeer when the mall owners remember. Santa's are pretty expendable since the patent ran out on the cloning technology.

On comforting: 

There, there. Shut up.