Now having been forced to watch "Frozen" for the millionth time (I have to credit Disney, it's like crack for toddlers), it has become incredibly clear that the real hero of Arendelle is not Queen Elsa or Princess Anna, but the slighted antagonist, Prince Hans of the Seven Isles.
For those of you who have not had the dubious honour of watching "Frozen", I'll recap the basic plot.
Elsa, the heir to the throne of Arendelle is born with the magical ability to create ice and snow (and apparently, textiles). As a child, she accidentally blasts her sister Anna with frost while playing. While Anna is essentially unharmed (her parents first instinct is to rush her to a bunch of strange trolls (rather than the palace physician). Her parents decide to shut the children in and hide them away from the rest of the world (always a good idea when you have a child with special challenges).
Years later, the parents drown in a freak boating accident, and Elsa becomes Queen. An argument with her sister ensues during the coronation party over her desire to marry Prince Hans after just meeting the man (Anna the shut-in is desperate for human contact and presumably a shag). Elsa, loses her temper and almost freezes the guests at the party and runs for the hills (in this case the North Mountain), incidentally a great quality to have in a ruler (that is losing ones temper, and then abandoning the kingdom at the first test of her authority).
Elsa on her way to the mountain, sets the entire kingdom into a premature ice age, sending the ice supply industry into immediate decline.
Anna, decides to chase after her (without any preparation, proper supplies or even a decent winter outfit). Through happenstance, she enlists the assistance of a recently unemployed ice supplier (Kristoff) with dubious personal hygiene practices, his equally smelly reindeer and a weird magical snowman (Olaf) to reach the mountain.
After confronting Elsa (who refuses to return to her frozen kingdom and shivering subjects), Anna gets blasted with frost again and is chased out of Elsa's ice palace by what my daughter refers to as a snow rancor.
The unemployed ice supplier and the weird magical snowman take Anna to visit the Trolls again who waste precious time with an overly long song and dance routine instead of healing a slowly freezing Anna.
Meanwhile, the capable Hans who has been left in charge of the Kingdom by Anna (the only intelligent decision made by either Anna or Elsa during this whole incident) is busy keeping the population warm by handing out warm clothes and having the palace kitchen prepare warm food and drink (Hans is of course not in the line of succession and one wonders where Elsa's regent was during this debacle).
Anna's horse returns riderless, setting off panic. Hans quickly musters a volunteer party to ride into the mountains and rescue Anna. As it happens, he finds Elsa instead and returns her to the palace in chains where she is promptly imprisoned in the palaces dungeon.
Kristoff returns Anna to the palace, where Hans reveals he was only interested in marrying Anna for the purposes of arranging an accident to Elsa, and taking over the kingdom. He leaves Anna to freeze to death, and proceeds to sentence Elsa to death as a traitor, believing the only way to end the eternal winter is to slay the Queen.
Elsa escapes and attempts to cross the frozen fjord. Hans pursues her, and just as he's about to enact her sentence, Anna throws herself in front of the blade, freezing at the moment of contact. The blade shatters, Anna miraculously defrosts and the kingdom is saved as Elsa realizes that "love" is the answer to all the world's problems. Really.
Hans is unceremoniously thrown in a ships brig and carted home in disgrace, and Elsa's first acts as a restored monarch are to promote the smelly Kristoff to chief ice supplier and cancel all trade deals with the kingdom's largest trading partner, Wessleton (mostly because she harbours a grudge against two of it's subjects which attempted to assassinate her with fairly good reasons earlier in the story).
So, why is Hans the real Hero and not Anna and Elsa as is shamelessly promoted? Let's put it into perspective:
The Queen is completely unqualified for the responsibility of the crown:
Anna is equally naive, and has clearly not received any education befitting the second in line for the thrown:
Hans:
While there is the little matter of attempted regicide, I would point out that it was openly supported by Arendelle's council. As for leaving Anna to freeze to death, it could probably be considered manslaughter at best, and if you've read anything of the history of the monarchy of Great Britain, it really doesn't even begin to approach the blood-thirsty insanity that stains that tapestry.
Frozen II is due out next year. I'm really hoping the plot centres on Prince Hans returning with a liberation army to restore sanity and economic prosperity to Arendelle.
For those of you who have not had the dubious honour of watching "Frozen", I'll recap the basic plot.
Elsa, the heir to the throne of Arendelle is born with the magical ability to create ice and snow (and apparently, textiles). As a child, she accidentally blasts her sister Anna with frost while playing. While Anna is essentially unharmed (her parents first instinct is to rush her to a bunch of strange trolls (rather than the palace physician). Her parents decide to shut the children in and hide them away from the rest of the world (always a good idea when you have a child with special challenges).
Years later, the parents drown in a freak boating accident, and Elsa becomes Queen. An argument with her sister ensues during the coronation party over her desire to marry Prince Hans after just meeting the man (Anna the shut-in is desperate for human contact and presumably a shag). Elsa, loses her temper and almost freezes the guests at the party and runs for the hills (in this case the North Mountain), incidentally a great quality to have in a ruler (that is losing ones temper, and then abandoning the kingdom at the first test of her authority).
Elsa on her way to the mountain, sets the entire kingdom into a premature ice age, sending the ice supply industry into immediate decline.
Anna, decides to chase after her (without any preparation, proper supplies or even a decent winter outfit). Through happenstance, she enlists the assistance of a recently unemployed ice supplier (Kristoff) with dubious personal hygiene practices, his equally smelly reindeer and a weird magical snowman (Olaf) to reach the mountain.
After confronting Elsa (who refuses to return to her frozen kingdom and shivering subjects), Anna gets blasted with frost again and is chased out of Elsa's ice palace by what my daughter refers to as a snow rancor.
The unemployed ice supplier and the weird magical snowman take Anna to visit the Trolls again who waste precious time with an overly long song and dance routine instead of healing a slowly freezing Anna.
Meanwhile, the capable Hans who has been left in charge of the Kingdom by Anna (the only intelligent decision made by either Anna or Elsa during this whole incident) is busy keeping the population warm by handing out warm clothes and having the palace kitchen prepare warm food and drink (Hans is of course not in the line of succession and one wonders where Elsa's regent was during this debacle).
Anna's horse returns riderless, setting off panic. Hans quickly musters a volunteer party to ride into the mountains and rescue Anna. As it happens, he finds Elsa instead and returns her to the palace in chains where she is promptly imprisoned in the palaces dungeon.
Kristoff returns Anna to the palace, where Hans reveals he was only interested in marrying Anna for the purposes of arranging an accident to Elsa, and taking over the kingdom. He leaves Anna to freeze to death, and proceeds to sentence Elsa to death as a traitor, believing the only way to end the eternal winter is to slay the Queen.
Elsa escapes and attempts to cross the frozen fjord. Hans pursues her, and just as he's about to enact her sentence, Anna throws herself in front of the blade, freezing at the moment of contact. The blade shatters, Anna miraculously defrosts and the kingdom is saved as Elsa realizes that "love" is the answer to all the world's problems. Really.
Hans is unceremoniously thrown in a ships brig and carted home in disgrace, and Elsa's first acts as a restored monarch are to promote the smelly Kristoff to chief ice supplier and cancel all trade deals with the kingdom's largest trading partner, Wessleton (mostly because she harbours a grudge against two of it's subjects which attempted to assassinate her with fairly good reasons earlier in the story).
So, why is Hans the real Hero and not Anna and Elsa as is shamelessly promoted? Let's put it into perspective:
The Queen is completely unqualified for the responsibility of the crown:
- She's short tempered and abandons her kingdom during the first crisis of her reign.
- Her first act is to accidentally almost kill her guests and freeze her kingdom and subjects.
- After returning the kingdom to it's summery state, her first act is to cancel all trade relations with Arendelle's biggest trading partner, Wessleton, which given that all the crops have died, probably isn't the wisest choice, regardless of her personal feelings.
- Instead of taking stock of the state of the kingdom, she decides to throw a lavish skating party.
Anna is equally naive, and has clearly not received any education befitting the second in line for the thrown:
- She attempts to bring back her sister without any preparation.
- She leaves the kingdom in the hands of a man who has no authority and whom she has just met, rather than presumably a council or regent whom she should have consulted.
- She spends most of the film singing and hanging out with strange men and weird creatures.
Hans:
- Hans, while obviously ambitious is clearly intelligent, experienced and capable.
- He quickly mobilizes a relief effort.
- Organizes a relief party to save Anna.
- Is ready to do whatever it takes to save the kingdom.
- Consults with Arendelle's council on decisions.
While there is the little matter of attempted regicide, I would point out that it was openly supported by Arendelle's council. As for leaving Anna to freeze to death, it could probably be considered manslaughter at best, and if you've read anything of the history of the monarchy of Great Britain, it really doesn't even begin to approach the blood-thirsty insanity that stains that tapestry.
Frozen II is due out next year. I'm really hoping the plot centres on Prince Hans returning with a liberation army to restore sanity and economic prosperity to Arendelle.
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