Xorton's Rant

Canada has banned the import of Irn-Bru as the wise government agency that decides these matters felt that some of the food dye used in Scotland's other national drink may cause hyper activity in children. Millions of British children over the last century have enjoyed Irn-Bru with no ill effects... so it of course makes perfect sense to ban a product that apparently poses a significant health risk. Not that any of the below items/products that are perfectly legal in Canada, pose any sort of health risk to the public at all: Maple Syrup Hockey (if you've spoken to any former players of the game that have suffered multiple concussions, you'll know what I mean).   Shotguns Tim Hortons A refusal on the part of the Health Care program to provide antibiotics for those suffering from Lyme disease For the better part of 20 years, helicopters that routinely fell out of the sky Toronto Justin Bieber* Get your priorities straight. Time to bring in the New Order. Ir...

While I generally try to have a few non-IT related rants posted in between the IT rants, the last week has simply been far too epic and trying on my nerves not to carrying on my rant from last week. In the past week, I've heard all of the below from users: 1. What's a file path? 2. You can get viruses from YouTube?! 3. What's "Windows Explorer"? 4. Why is it bad to put your password on a sticky note on your monitor? 5. I know I don't have network connectivity! But why can't I still send my email? 6. What's a forward slash? 7. Ok, I understand my hard drive is dead. But why can't you get my files off it? 8. What's an asset tag? And my absolute favourite which I thought I'd only ever hear the likes of on the IT Crowd : 9. My button for the internet is missing! Giving a dumb user a computer is like giving a monkey with a thermonuclear device a large hammer. It's not a matter of "if" something will go horribly and disa...

If you recognize yourself as having done or said any number of the points below, then you're probably what I refer to as a "Dumb" user. If you do, while this is not necessarily an indication of idiocy, it is however an indication of ignorance. It's the 21st century people... it's time to step up your game! I'm not saying that you need to become an expert, but you can no longer afford to remain in blissful ignorance of basic technological skills if you want to remain competitive in the work place, or for that matter, employed. Of course, if you'd rather eke out some sort of existence in the woods, fighting squirrels and chipmunks for your dinner of nuts, and slowly descending in barbarity, please by all means, be my guest. You turn off your computer every evening by pushing and holding down the power button, because selecting "Shutdown" from the "Start" button takes too long.  When asked by IT which operating system you're using...

A wampa The Xorton weather service is issuing a wampa warning in effect for portions of Southern Ontario this morning. With hoth-like temperatures of -25C and wind chills making it feel like -40C, you can expect to see an increase in wampa activity. While wampas enjoy feasting on their traditional taun-taun prey, they have been know to attack humans. So, while you're out this morning trying to adapt your speeder to the cold, keep a sharp eye out for wampas lumbering across the frozen landscape in search of prey, and be sure to refrain from making taun-taun imitation calls. The view outside my house this morning

Released : August 1997 Publisher : Nintendo Developer : Rare Platform : Nintendo 64 Type : First Person Shooter Graphics : Meh Game Play : Narly Originality : Narly How many hours I’ve wasted : Blank-eyed soulless stare The Nostalgia Factor : Narly 007 Goldeneye was one of the games that convinced me to finally break down and for the first time, purchase a video game console (in this case, the Nintendo 64)*. A friend of mine would often pop into town with his 64 and collection of video games, and several of us would play 007 until our eyes bled, our arms went limp and we were unable to remain in an upright sitting position... and then we kept on playing. Occasionally someone would wipe the puddle of drool collecting around our faces to keep us from drowning. Yes, Goldeneye was so good, we would voluntarily put ourselves into a near comatose state on a regular basis. Why was it so good? First person shooters had of course been available for years before (such as...

My nephew, Saruman* who is always a source of amusement (he's a wee comedian), was over for dinner on Christmas Eve. We were heading downstairs to have a pre-dinner play session with lego (as is our custom) when he opened the following dialogue: Saruman: Hey, you know what? Me: What's that? Saruman: I learned today that giving is better than receiving. Me: Uh-huh. I suppose that's part of the spirit of the season. Saruman: So, since it's Christmas, I think you would feel really good about giving me all your Star Wars toys. Me: Nice try. Saruman:  (Sheepishly) Yeah. He and his brother are my favourite comedians. * Obviously not his real name, although these days, who knows. 

I like to use the "Cheese Sandwich" analogy with other IT people when describing dumb things done by dumb users. For example: IT Guy: So, what was wrong with the printer? Me: Some idiot had jammed a cheese sandwich in the manual feeder. IT Guy: Again?! Me: That's $20 you owe me. IT Guy: "Mr. Marbles" again, huh? This does away with the need for a long winded explanation over a subject which has likely already been covered multiple times in regards to the same issue, caused (very likely) by the same user. What technical atrocity was committed is inconsequential, only that it happened and was caused by the same person is really relevant. IT people like to keep to the point. We also give problem users nicknames and place bets on the frequency of their accidents. We also maintain a list of those who are committing atrocities against machine-kind. When the machine revolution begins, we're handing over that list of the technically and criminally neg...