Xorton's Rant

Iona can be a handful at most times. Feeding times are thankfully not included. Iona has a voracious appetite, and in fact will become angry with me if I don't shovel the food into her mouth quickly enough. Today we had Darth Vader Taters... They were Dark Force-a-licious.. as you can see from the after lunch photo below!

Homer:  That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. [Draws bunny faces on the electrical outlets] Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies. Homer: She will be! Many lessons I've learned about life have been acquired from the Simpsons... and child rearing is no exception! The last few weeks of Iona being fully mobile has been a real eye opener and very educational for the both us in regards to how to baby proof your home: How not to baby-proof your home: Evaluate your home for dangers. Plug up the electrical sockets, and put padding on on sharp corners. Move nick-knacks, sensitive electronics and assorted multimedia to higher ground. Do a sweep for all bite sized objects and move them to safe out of reach places. Secure all household cleaners and poisons in a inaccessible location. Anchor all bookshelves to the wall. Congratulate yourself on doing a comprehensive...

Now on my second month of parental leave with my daughter, many people ask me how it is going. My usual response is: "My pockets hurt." a reference to an episode of the Simpsons, where Homer (who is suffering from the onset of a nervous breakdown) responds to the question on how he is feeling from Marge. You see, Iona is trying to kill me... or at least permanently cripple me through deliberate torture. She's playing it out nice and slow and reveling in every moment of it. How does a six month old kill you? She ensures that I only have an average of 2 hours a sleep a day to her 14. On a couple of occasions, my girlfriend has returned home to find me semi-conscious, sprawled upon the floor as Iona gleefully plays on top of me (by play, I mean kicking and punching me).  She mercilessly beats and abuses me at every opportunity and has strategically discovered all my weak spots by punching, kicking and clawing every inch of my body... the spots that solicit the lou...

Ok, so it didn't happen. At the risk of sounding a wee bit cheeky, there, there. Having been born south of the border, but having a good deal of Scottish heritage, I'm personally relieved the 307 year old union has remained intact. I think if independence had gone through, it would have felt a little as though someone had gouged out part of my chest (and that's as sentimental as I'm likely to ever be on this blog!) Of course, the fact that the "ringleaders" of this experiment weren't rounded up after the defeat and publicly executed is a good sign of how progressive we've become since 1746 ! Let's look at some reasons why this may be a blessing in disguise for those that were banking on independence: 1) Don't trust politicians, particularly when they are smiling, and especially when they're telling you that if you vote their way, everything will get a lot better. This is the equivalent of Wiley Coyote with a pile of bird seed wi...

I wouldn't have thought I would need to explain this to people, but recently I had to deploy a fourth mobile phone to an individual; his fourth replacement in the space of a year. In each case, he felt that it was only just a little liquid he'd spilled on his phone. By little, I'm assuming it was a large coffee. I wish these incidents with electronics vs. the large coffee were more isolated, but it occurs with alarming frequency with far too many people I've worked with over the years. Given the amount I've witnessed in my tour of duty in IT, I can only imagine how many valuable electronic devices have been sacrificed to the java gods on an annual basis worldwide. Now, normally I give a five minute spiel on why liquid is bad for electronics... but clearly this hasn't been taking much traction. I imagine what they hear is: "Blah, blah, blah coffee. Blah, blah, blah phone."  So in an attempt to be more concise and hopefully drive the point home, I...

Over the years I've observed a number of people who appear to have no perceptible skills whatsoever, but yet have managed to remain employed and earn a salary. I've analysed my observations and have identified their tactics: To start, pick a career that does not require a lot of physical activity. Sitting at a desk (preferably with a computer) is key. Additionally having a direct supervisor or boss who is completely incompetent or easily intimidated (preferably both) is also key. Appearances are everything in executing a successful campaign of non-workiness: Come into work early every day. Everyone will assume you come in early to get a jump start on all that work you have to do. Leave work late. Again, every one will assume you're staying to complete all that extra work.  Nothing says you do not have enough work like a clean desk. Keep your desk cluttered at all times. Change and move the clutter about from time to time. Other people's recycle bins are a tr...

People call me a curmudgeon. That's okay. I've come to accept that and I now wear this moniker with distinction. Do people think you're a bit of a grump? Well, here's some tips on how to make the most of it: Learn to find fault with everything on the planet. If you've found something you can't find fault with, you're not looking hard enough.  Practice a good sneer. With a good sneer, you can be a unbearable burden at all social occasions.  Practice ranting on a wide variety of subject matter. Make sure you harp on these subjects regularly. It also helps if the subject matter is also something that other people generally find enjoyable (such as special occasions). Nothing ruins a good occasion like a rant on the same subject.  Learn to identify people's weaknesses and faults... and make sure you point them out as often as possible.  No matter how well someone does something, there's always room for improvement (see point 1). Make sure you poin...