Xorton's Rant

Being the parent of a one year old (plus several months), I often find myself saying things that I never imagined I would be saying. In fact, many of these words I never even imagined would be organized into a single sentence in the first place. Why is there snot all over your shoes? Please take the cat's tail of of your mouth.  Why are you mashing bananas into your hair?  The chair is not for wiping your nose on.  My shirt is not for wiping your nose on.  The cat is not for wiping your nose on.  Please remove your finger from my nose.  Why are there potatoes in your ears?  Please stop smearing poo on your forehead!  Do your 'Happy Wiggle Dance' for Daddy! Thank-you for offering, but Daddy really doesn't want to eat a handful of pre-chewed corn.  Why are you using your nappy to store crackers? Stop! You must not Hop on Pop!* Don't kill Daddy, you may require his services later on.   And while I imagine I would say the ...

Being as Iona was starting a trial run at daycare this past week, I finally had a few hours in which to construct and shoot the sets for our Buskar the Bear tale. "I finally crushed that stupid truck you've been protecting." Iona interjected. "Yes dear, I know, the Hummer. It doesn't matter anyway, we finished the picture shoot." "It doesn't matter anymore? Damn." "You know, little girls of your age shouldn't use words like that." I scolded. "&*$@ you. Don't make me hit you again." Iona threatened shaking her little fist. "Now, now. You'll enjoy this one dear." "I'd better!" Iona scowled. And with that, let's begin our story: Buskar the Bear was terribly drunk. Terribly, terribly drunk. But that of course was his usual state. He always went about saying: "If you're not drinking, you're probably thinking... which in my experience just gets you into...

My girlfriend and I recently endured an interesting exercise by deciding to take our daughter with us on a quick trip to Alberta. The Calgary skyline as viewed from our hotel room in the morning. during sunrise (I had to check the internet to see that the sun had risen.) For those contemplating traveling with an eleventh month old my suggestion is... don't. Iona's default mood, much like myself is set to "mildly put out". She's generally not a fan of travel to begin with, so confining her to a three foot space in a metal cylinder, then spending four days in a car and small unfamiliar bedrooms pretty much guaranteed that her mood escalated from "mildly put out" to "severely displeased" and frequently "royally pissed". I don't think she smiled the entire time. I don't think I did much either. The Rockies as viewed from the highway on our way to Banff. A group of Mustangs frolicked with a moose and some mountain goat...

Last week I said that we would be telling you the story about Roger Rhino collecting a rather drunk Buskar Bear from the pub. However due to unforeseen set construction problems (someone keeps tearing them down)... "Ahem! Well, maybe if they weren't so poorly constructed, flimsy and inviting." Iona interjected. Quite. Anyway, I will instead be telling you a short story about How Reggie the Cat lost his Hat, and then got it back again. "Why is it called 'Tragic Tails'?" asked Iona "Isn't a tail the thing on the back end of most of my animal friends that I like to grab?" "Well, in this case it also happens to mean a story too." I said. "Now they're tragic stories because if it hasn't become clear to you yet, they all end rather horribly for at least one of the characters involved." "And that makes it funny!" clapped Iona. "To most people, yes." And with that, here is How Reggie...

During most afternoons, Iona and I often spend the time constructing things out of her Megablocks (okay, I construct, she deconstructs) for her little stuffed animal friends to play in. These little play sessions often evolve (or devolve as may be the case) into strange little stories that I create for Iona. Perhaps it's that I spend most of my days with one who communicates primarily in drool and the lack of adult contact is finally getting to me (or maybe it's just me) but her animal friends live tragic, tragic lives as I will illustrate with one such story we recently performed. It's called: "Tigger Takes a Drive in a Drag Racer" Now, before I begin, I will note that I find that all of Iona's animal friends speak like Michael Cain (or variations there of). I don't know why, they just do. They also swear a lot. Anyway... One day, Tigger was taking a stroll in the forest with his friend Roger Rhino. As they walked, they talked about the sort of th...

Over the years, as I'm sure many IT people have found too, I've encountered a good number of IT people whose services would be better suited in an environment as far away from anything remotely technical as possible, say as an additional ingredient to a pile of compost. These individuals all seem to have the same terrible habits, and as we know, they create undue stress, extra work (usually fixing their mistakes), and generally lower the morale in any IT department to the point of complete collapse. By a point of comparison, most of the good IT people I've worked with would all rather work alone, or have a pencil driven into their skulls rather than spend another minute with these incompetent folk. For your amusement (and you don't have to be in IT to get a kick out of some of this), here are their habits: 1. Memory Issues, and not RAM related This problem tops my list as probably the worst of the habits. I've worked with far too many people in IT that for a...

The holiday season is officially over, and we can all return to "normal". That's of course harder for some (such as myself) than others. As an example, Iona and I have spent many hours playing with her new mega-blocks (by playing, I mean, I build things, and she promptly destroys them). The first thing I built (which interestingly enough remained the most durable against Iona's repeated attacks) was a replica of a German World War II Sturmgeshutz tank destroyer. Aren't German World War II vehicles the first thing everyone tries to build out of their new blocks on Christmas morning? Here are some pictures of our holiday fun: Mega-Block set does not include decals of German war insignia for your tanks. Boo.  And here comes a lightening fast assault. Overturned, but still intact. Those Germans create some damned resilient designs.  With New Years' upon us, many of us make resolutions that none of us have any intention of...