Popcorn
I hate popcorn.
I love the smell of it, I just think as a delivery system for salt and butter, there are a lot of better potential options.
It has no flavour, I dislike the hard and inedible left over kernel bits, and I dislike how it leaves a goozey* residue on your teeth.
That said, I think the snack companies are missing out on a sizable niche market (the popcorn haters who want a pop corn like snack at the movies market) and need to come up with some sort of potato based "pop" product.
It should be made in the traditional popcorn way, have a similar smell and be optimized to deliver a 50% increase in salt and butter content. I'd call them: "Popato Crunches".
Am I on to something?
*Goozey is a rather nice descriptive word (I think) I've just invented for the specific word I feel best describes the feeling of popcorn residue on your teeth. You're all welcome to use it, but remember, you saw it here first.
Office Christmas Parties
Everyone knows how I feel about Christmas.
However, it's a statistical fact that most people share my opinion in relation to office Christmas parties. A recent study* shows that less than five percent of all people, actually enjoy office Christmas parties and would rather roll in cat litter.
Most office Christmas parties (henceforth known as OCPs) are often organized by Christmas Nazis in an effort to maximize the number of people they can inflict seasonal holiday discomfort on. Such "non-optional company team and morale building social functions" are designed to accomplish a number of specific goals, usually the exact opposite of what the company states they are for:
Pot lucks also increase the likelihood of food poisoning, a potential bonus for the company. How does this help the company? Well, it increases the potential that employees will use up all their sick leave, therefore resulting in said employees having to use holiday days for sick leave, when they run out of sicks days. Employees are then unable to take relaxing holiday days, thus forcing them into a spiraling state of depression and stress... which of course results in a defeated employee, who will make a better slave rower (see point 1), and lab rat (see point 2).
If you're one of the few that refuses to be involved in "non-optional company team and morale building social functions", you will likely be added to a secret list of "non-team players that are not suited for promotion or other recognition".
Of course, if you're not recognized by being promoted to head lab rat, or mobile blood container, I'd say that's a positive thing.
* OK - so the survey was me asking five people I know and my two cats how they felt about OCPs, but surveys are pretty subjective anyway. I'm pretty sure my cats only answered in the affirmative for OCPs because they didn't understand what the *%$@ I was asking them. I also understand that the cats (based on the number of people I talked to) accounts for more than 5%, but I don't think people pay too much attention to math when generating surveys anyway.
I hate popcorn.
I love the smell of it, I just think as a delivery system for salt and butter, there are a lot of better potential options.
It has no flavour, I dislike the hard and inedible left over kernel bits, and I dislike how it leaves a goozey* residue on your teeth.
That said, I think the snack companies are missing out on a sizable niche market (the popcorn haters who want a pop corn like snack at the movies market) and need to come up with some sort of potato based "pop" product.
It should be made in the traditional popcorn way, have a similar smell and be optimized to deliver a 50% increase in salt and butter content. I'd call them: "Popato Crunches".
Am I on to something?
*Goozey is a rather nice descriptive word (I think) I've just invented for the specific word I feel best describes the feeling of popcorn residue on your teeth. You're all welcome to use it, but remember, you saw it here first.
Office Christmas Parties
Everyone knows how I feel about Christmas.
However, it's a statistical fact that most people share my opinion in relation to office Christmas parties. A recent study* shows that less than five percent of all people, actually enjoy office Christmas parties and would rather roll in cat litter.
Most office Christmas parties (henceforth known as OCPs) are often organized by Christmas Nazis in an effort to maximize the number of people they can inflict seasonal holiday discomfort on. Such "non-optional company team and morale building social functions" are designed to accomplish a number of specific goals, usually the exact opposite of what the company states they are for:
- Lower overall morale and break the spirit of employees so that they become more obedient slave rowers at the oars of the company galley.
- Force employees to succumb to peer pressure more easily, softening them up so that they will volunteer more readily for company programs. While these programs garner no rewards or financial compensation for the employee, they increase company profits or decrease operating costs. For example, it's a lot easier having willing employees volunteer for medical experiments than using rabbits, monkeys or rats these days... less animal rights protesters to deal with and the company can state: "No animals were used during the testing of this product" (most corporations don't considers human employees "animals"... they're "paradigm impeding replaceable assets"). I suspect most company blood drives are a thinly veiled program to gather blood and sell it for profit on the black market.
- Increase the amount and duration of sycophancy towards managers, VPs, CEOs and the like attending the event.
- Pit employees into direct competition with each other in an attempt to gain more attention and praise from the above mentioned executive staff (dance puppet, dance!) in lieu of a Christmas bonus.
- Take personal time away from employees at a time of year that is already extremely busy (it's worse if you've been conscripted by a Christmas Nazi to help organize the "fun"), while stating that you need to have more work-life balance (1% Home - 99% Work is the company goal).
Pot lucks also increase the likelihood of food poisoning, a potential bonus for the company. How does this help the company? Well, it increases the potential that employees will use up all their sick leave, therefore resulting in said employees having to use holiday days for sick leave, when they run out of sicks days. Employees are then unable to take relaxing holiday days, thus forcing them into a spiraling state of depression and stress... which of course results in a defeated employee, who will make a better slave rower (see point 1), and lab rat (see point 2).
If you're one of the few that refuses to be involved in "non-optional company team and morale building social functions", you will likely be added to a secret list of "non-team players that are not suited for promotion or other recognition".
Of course, if you're not recognized by being promoted to head lab rat, or mobile blood container, I'd say that's a positive thing.
* OK - so the survey was me asking five people I know and my two cats how they felt about OCPs, but surveys are pretty subjective anyway. I'm pretty sure my cats only answered in the affirmative for OCPs because they didn't understand what the *%$@ I was asking them. I also understand that the cats (based on the number of people I talked to) accounts for more than 5%, but I don't think people pay too much attention to math when generating surveys anyway.
With the right Xmas lyrics done to the tune of Stroke, stroke, stroke.....
ReplyDeleteWe might just get a best seller from all the Xmas pushers hoisting them as gifts on their victims.
Of course after you've taken over, it could only be used on the slave galleys comprised of those organizers on the hottest days possible.
Excellent idea for a tune. We can replace the jingling of bells with the cracking of whips.
ReplyDeleteWe probably still need to keep some jingling, just follow it by the crack. jingle crack, jingle crack.
DeleteOtherwise the peons will be wanting to sneak in some jingle, must crush the good feeling of the jingle first.
Another way to break that spirit would be to have some of the drivers carrying some bells so that the slaves equate the approaching of jungle bells with the coming of the crack of the whip if they aren't working hard enough.
Maybe you would like the job of the New Orders "Official Minstrel"? We'll need a lot of "motivational" music to "inspire" our people.
ReplyDelete