Yesterday I spoke about my hatred of office Christmas parties and potlucks.
Many people cave into the peer pressure... but I'm here to give you some excellent excuses and techniques on how to avoid office Christmas functions while minimizing the potential repercussions:
1. Call in sick:
This is a long time favourite and one of the most used techniques. Its one drawback is that you'll only be able to use it a couple of times before suspicion is raised... and then you're in the dog house.
The trick here is to take advantage of the human brains weaknesses (this will require a little research and finesse, but you'll find it's worth the effort). Most people have a very hard time recalling events to any degree of detail after they've occurred. Recent research has indicated that it's actually quite simple to plant convincing memories in most people.
After the Christmas party and over the next few weeks, take note of events, food served and memorable moments that your co-workers mention about the party. Over the next eleven months, subtly bring up the same points with the weakest minded individuals, twisting the said points to your perspective. This creates the illusion that you actually attended the last party, and with a little luck, some people will start telling stories about your involvement at the party.
As long as you can successfully rewrite history, you can use this technique indefinitely.
2. "Celebrating Christmas is against my religious beliefs."
This one is probably the safest and easiest to use.
By law, no employer is able to question you any further on the matter.
Of course, if you're lucky enough to be part of a non-Christian religion or your part of a visible minority, this excuse can be a lot more convincing.
A warning to those that are not in the above categories and are just from the plain old White Anglo-Saxon Protestant stock: you may be subject to a lot of scrutiny over the next year... people will be likely quite interested to learn what %*&^@*-up religion you're part of... and judge you for it (Christians are really good at that). My suggestion is to drop weird, strange and downright scary references over the year...your ultimate goal is to discourage further questioning so, the weirder the better (just remember not to get silly... this will destroy the authenticity of your claim).
And don't be afraid to mention ritual goat sacrifices and painting yourself in cow blood for the upcoming "Night of the Vampire", a lunar festival of vampire worship.
For those truly dedicated to the part, or those uncomfortable with lying, you could always join a fringe religion (although I don't recommend it). Painting yourself in cow blood isn't as great as it sounds.
3. "I got food poisoning at last years pot luck"
This techniques main limitation is of course that it only generally works with pot lucks, although you can try extending this to catered events.
Its effectiveness is based on how vague you can be about what you ate, and how specific you can be in regards to the duration, frequency and the kinds of extreme symptoms you suffered.
"I don't remember what dishes I had, but I spent the entire Christmas holidays splayed naked between the toilet and the bathtub, alternating between projectile vomiting my guts out and squirting the most obnoxious nasty smelling greenish shit out of my ass until it was raw with pain. I will never risk eating at a pot luck again."
That usually does the trick and ends any further questioning.
4. "I'm mildly agoraphobic and claustrophobic."
This techniques main drawback is that you must maintain this misinformation for the duration of your employment at the company.
Of course, if you really don't like any company social events, it's a bit easier to pull off, but you still have to remember to get all squirrely and fidgety in the elevator or other tight spaces. I find it's helpful to alternate blinking each eye, twitching your neck, breathing heavily and repeating "Oh god, oh god, oh god... just a few more seconds". Next, begin clawing desperately at the walls and repeating: "I gotta get out!" while puffing out your cheeks simulating imminent vomiting. Once the door opens, fall out onto the floor in a heap gasping.
On the upside, you'll probably be able to ride the elevator all by yourself in pretty short order.
5. Allergies
This excuse was a lot more effective before the Christmas Nazi pot-luck organizers wised up and made everyone put a list of ingredients on their dishes. Catered events have likewise begun doing the same thing.
It's effectiveness is likely to be very low in this day and age, but occasionally you might get lucky and find there are no descriptive labels for the food. This is your opportunity to pull out this old gem and beat a hasty retreat.
Of course, if you're dedicated to getting out of the pot luck, and legitimately have a food allergy, you can always eat something that you're allergic to. Provided you survive, the party organizers won't want to risk having the person back next year who's face swelled to twice it's normal size and ruined the pot luck for everyone.
6. "I'm very self-conscious of seeing people watch me eat."
This excuse won't work for anyone in the field of IT. I'm in IT and I've witnessed IT people eat. It's like watching a bunch of Vikings feast before Ragnarock. IT people simply have no sense of shame while eating. The sounds during and after can be equally disturbing.
If however, you're not an IT person and particularly if you're a little overweight, this excuse can hold some weight (please excuse the pun). You can work this into a bona fide phobia... let's call it feastaphobia: fear of eating at Christmas pot-lucks.
Let's make this a "thing" people!
Leading up to the Christmas pot-luck, you'll need to look as overworked as possible to be truly convincing and use this excuse. Here's some tips:
Of course, if you have any of your own thoughts on how to avoid inconvenient company social events, please let me know! I'd love to share them.
Many people cave into the peer pressure... but I'm here to give you some excellent excuses and techniques on how to avoid office Christmas functions while minimizing the potential repercussions:
1. Call in sick:
This is a long time favourite and one of the most used techniques. Its one drawback is that you'll only be able to use it a couple of times before suspicion is raised... and then you're in the dog house.
The trick here is to take advantage of the human brains weaknesses (this will require a little research and finesse, but you'll find it's worth the effort). Most people have a very hard time recalling events to any degree of detail after they've occurred. Recent research has indicated that it's actually quite simple to plant convincing memories in most people.
After the Christmas party and over the next few weeks, take note of events, food served and memorable moments that your co-workers mention about the party. Over the next eleven months, subtly bring up the same points with the weakest minded individuals, twisting the said points to your perspective. This creates the illusion that you actually attended the last party, and with a little luck, some people will start telling stories about your involvement at the party.
As long as you can successfully rewrite history, you can use this technique indefinitely.
2. "Celebrating Christmas is against my religious beliefs."
This one is probably the safest and easiest to use.
By law, no employer is able to question you any further on the matter.
Of course, if you're lucky enough to be part of a non-Christian religion or your part of a visible minority, this excuse can be a lot more convincing.
A warning to those that are not in the above categories and are just from the plain old White Anglo-Saxon Protestant stock: you may be subject to a lot of scrutiny over the next year... people will be likely quite interested to learn what %*&^@*-up religion you're part of... and judge you for it (Christians are really good at that). My suggestion is to drop weird, strange and downright scary references over the year...your ultimate goal is to discourage further questioning so, the weirder the better (just remember not to get silly... this will destroy the authenticity of your claim).
And don't be afraid to mention ritual goat sacrifices and painting yourself in cow blood for the upcoming "Night of the Vampire", a lunar festival of vampire worship.
For those truly dedicated to the part, or those uncomfortable with lying, you could always join a fringe religion (although I don't recommend it). Painting yourself in cow blood isn't as great as it sounds.
3. "I got food poisoning at last years pot luck"
This techniques main limitation is of course that it only generally works with pot lucks, although you can try extending this to catered events.
Its effectiveness is based on how vague you can be about what you ate, and how specific you can be in regards to the duration, frequency and the kinds of extreme symptoms you suffered.
"I don't remember what dishes I had, but I spent the entire Christmas holidays splayed naked between the toilet and the bathtub, alternating between projectile vomiting my guts out and squirting the most obnoxious nasty smelling greenish shit out of my ass until it was raw with pain. I will never risk eating at a pot luck again."
That usually does the trick and ends any further questioning.
4. "I'm mildly agoraphobic and claustrophobic."
This techniques main drawback is that you must maintain this misinformation for the duration of your employment at the company.
Of course, if you really don't like any company social events, it's a bit easier to pull off, but you still have to remember to get all squirrely and fidgety in the elevator or other tight spaces. I find it's helpful to alternate blinking each eye, twitching your neck, breathing heavily and repeating "Oh god, oh god, oh god... just a few more seconds". Next, begin clawing desperately at the walls and repeating: "I gotta get out!" while puffing out your cheeks simulating imminent vomiting. Once the door opens, fall out onto the floor in a heap gasping.
On the upside, you'll probably be able to ride the elevator all by yourself in pretty short order.
5. Allergies
This excuse was a lot more effective before the Christmas Nazi pot-luck organizers wised up and made everyone put a list of ingredients on their dishes. Catered events have likewise begun doing the same thing.
It's effectiveness is likely to be very low in this day and age, but occasionally you might get lucky and find there are no descriptive labels for the food. This is your opportunity to pull out this old gem and beat a hasty retreat.
Of course, if you're dedicated to getting out of the pot luck, and legitimately have a food allergy, you can always eat something that you're allergic to. Provided you survive, the party organizers won't want to risk having the person back next year who's face swelled to twice it's normal size and ruined the pot luck for everyone.
6. "I'm very self-conscious of seeing people watch me eat."
This excuse won't work for anyone in the field of IT. I'm in IT and I've witnessed IT people eat. It's like watching a bunch of Vikings feast before Ragnarock. IT people simply have no sense of shame while eating. The sounds during and after can be equally disturbing.
If however, you're not an IT person and particularly if you're a little overweight, this excuse can hold some weight (please excuse the pun). You can work this into a bona fide phobia... let's call it feastaphobia: fear of eating at Christmas pot-lucks.
Let's make this a "thing" people!
7. "I've far too much work to do to take time off to attend."
Leading up to the Christmas pot-luck, you'll need to look as overworked as possible to be truly convincing and use this excuse. Here's some tips:
- Run around the company a lot with clipboard in hand. Constantly refer to it, checking things off and muttering to yourself.
- Constantly clack away at your keyboard while your at your desk. Punch the keys extra hard from time to time. Clacking keyboards are a sure sign of being incredibly busy.
- Make sure you complain at every opportunity how busy you are. Try to sound out of breathe and keep looking at your watch while doing so. Don't complain for too long though... make sure to run off within a couple of minutes.
- Make sure there are large piles of disorganized papers burying your desk. This is especially effective if you're generally very tidy.
- Eat your lunch at your desk like an IT person. Take no longer that 2 minutes to woof down your lunch. Leave a mess of splattered food.
- Hide a space heater under your desk and run it full blast at your crotch. You're guaranteed to sweat buckets and take on an unhealthy red glow. If the sweat stained clothes doesn't convince people you're busy, the smell may at least get you out of any company social obligations.
Of course, if you have any of your own thoughts on how to avoid inconvenient company social events, please let me know! I'd love to share them.
a blend from the reverse of 5 combined with 6 at every such event and I could see being asked not to attend. Where you make your attendance a short and quick visit to take the Viking/Klingon feast to its wildest, especially if there are bones involved as those have to be thrown over the shoulder in haste to participate and then off to get more work done. If particularly successful, a good food fight may erupt, possibly even leading to a banning of such events.
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