As everyone knows, I'm not a big fan of Christmas.
I generally prefer, as I have for years, to use the time catching up on my sleep.
What I find most annoying about Christmas, is the fact that most everyone else insists on enjoying it to the nth degree (and I just hate enjoying myself), and forcing others with a fanatical fascist enthusiasm into enjoying it as well, regardless of whether they want to or not.
Most people who feel the way I do end up buckling under the severe peer pressure, put on forced smiles and do their best to placate the Christmas Nazis. I'm of course slightly more honest with my opinions, and those who attempt to batter me with their overt Christmas enthusiasm are soon treated to a Christmas Carpet Bombing of anti-festive resentment and spite. If you sew the wind, be prepared to reap the whirlwind.
Of course, now going on my fifteenth year of having to blast out my rant on numerous occasions through the season, I have decided to write it here and simply refer people to my blog in future. Anyone familiar with the television program "The Big Bang Theory" will be familiar with Sheldon's holiday rant. I've been doing an expanded version of that rant for years. My version probably wouldn't make it past the sensors (there's usually a lot more swearing).
Here is how it usually goes:
Christmas Nazi: How is your Christmas shopping going, Xorton?
Xorton: I don't do any.
Christmas Nazi: What? You're done already?
Xorton: No, you don't understand. I don't do any, because I don't do Christmas.
Christmas Nazi: Oh, come on. Everyone loves Christmas.
Xorton: Except the Muslims, Jews, various other religious minorities and the occasional atheist.
Christmas Nazi: Oh, but it's such a wonderful pretty time of year! Gift giving is so much fun.
Xorton: I don't subscribe to your interpretation of reality. I hate standing in lines, I hate large crowds, I hate shopping malls and I hate gift giving. Gift giving, particularly for those in our age group is a completely illogical and pointless endeavour. If you know the person well, you've already run out of things that they want or need that you could purchase for them years ago, and then you buy them a box of chocolates. If you do not know the person that well, again you buy them a box of chocolates. Likewise, they also buy you a box of chocolates. Invariably we buy each other a box of chocolates that we both despise. Why not save the bother and buy your own chocolates?
Christmas Nazi: Gift cards are fun.
Xorton: Bollocks. Gift cards are flaming stupid. Here's a gift card for a monetary value which you can only spend in one place. It's almost always for somewhere that is inconvenient to get to, or a place that you would never shop at, or for a value that's less than what it costs in gas to drive there. The recent explosion of web services that are now available to trade gift cards in for cash would seem to support my argument.
Christmas Nazi: Well, there's always the boxing day sales to look forward too... then you can buy what you really want for yourself.
Xorton: I despise the rampant greed based consumerism and the sheep that feel the need to go out and spend themselves into debt once a year, purchasing a bunch of crap that no one actually needs so that the elitist corporate pigs at the top can buy yet another ivory back scratcher. This attitude is unsustainable and the pigs and the sheep that willingly allow themselves to be manipulated by them will eventually destroy our civilization... as it's smothered in tons of cheap plastic crap.
Christmas Nazi: uh, well... you must have enjoyed Christmas as a kid.
Xorton: Make it easy for me. Step on that landmine. I wouldn't say I loathed Christmas as a child, but it certainly taught me to despise people. My birthday falls within December, so naturally, everyone would buy me one present with the disclaimer: "Since your birthday is so close to Christmas, we only got you one present". Which would have been acceptable if it was the value of two presents. It never was. This is why I also loathe birthdays. Why should I buy two gifts for someone when I'm likely to only receive one in return? Additionally, I've received some pretty lame presents for Christmas over the years. No sane eight year old wants a clock radio or a pen and pencil set... but for some reason that's what I got from various relatives on Christmas morning. That's worse than getting socks. My brother got a speeder bike and an AT-ST. You can't play Star Wars with your brother with a clock radio no matter how imaginative you are.
Christmas Nazi: Uhm.... how about all the fun family get-togethers and all the food.
Xorton: Spending three hours doing dishes is not my idea of a fun time.
Christmas Nazi: Decorations are nice.
Xorton: I love cheap tacky plastic shit that wastes energy and makes it look like my house is Las Vegas. Or hey, I could go with a real tree and infest my house with insects and other wild life all while measurably increasing the chance of burning my house down to it's foundations.
Christmas Nazi: Well, there's the true meaning of Christmas.
Xorton: Oh, not the one manifested by capitalism? Well, I don't follow the mad and contradictory ravings of the Magic Carpenter and his merry band of hypocrites. The Christian church only assigned December 25th his birthday so it would coincide with existing pagan rituals so as to more easily convert the heathen. Additionally, from a historical perspective, the Christians have been less about love, caring and giving, than stealing, slaying and forcing their values down everyone else's throats. By that logic, to fully embrace the true meaning of Christmas, I would have to steal all my neighbours consumerist driven seasonal purchases, enslave him and his family while forcing them to adopt a new arbitrary belief system* and burn his home to the ground all while proclaiming it in the name of some crazy guy that's been dead for 2000 years and his invisible and all powerful father who spends an inordinate amount of his time unleashing disasters on this speck of dirt called Earth.
By this point the Christmas Nazi has usually beat a hasty retreat or has huddled into a ball and is quietly rocking themselves in a corner.
A Humbug to you all!
*Coming in 2013: A New Arbitrary Belief System for the New Order. Like all belief systems, I intend to make it up as I go along.
Christmas Nazi: How is your Christmas shopping going, Xorton?
Xorton: I don't do any.
Christmas Nazi: What? You're done already?
Xorton: No, you don't understand. I don't do any, because I don't do Christmas.
Christmas Nazi: Oh, come on. Everyone loves Christmas.
Xorton: Except the Muslims, Jews, various other religious minorities and the occasional atheist.
Christmas Nazi: Oh, but it's such a wonderful pretty time of year! Gift giving is so much fun.
Xorton: I don't subscribe to your interpretation of reality. I hate standing in lines, I hate large crowds, I hate shopping malls and I hate gift giving. Gift giving, particularly for those in our age group is a completely illogical and pointless endeavour. If you know the person well, you've already run out of things that they want or need that you could purchase for them years ago, and then you buy them a box of chocolates. If you do not know the person that well, again you buy them a box of chocolates. Likewise, they also buy you a box of chocolates. Invariably we buy each other a box of chocolates that we both despise. Why not save the bother and buy your own chocolates?
Christmas Nazi: Gift cards are fun.
Xorton: Bollocks. Gift cards are flaming stupid. Here's a gift card for a monetary value which you can only spend in one place. It's almost always for somewhere that is inconvenient to get to, or a place that you would never shop at, or for a value that's less than what it costs in gas to drive there. The recent explosion of web services that are now available to trade gift cards in for cash would seem to support my argument.
Christmas Nazi: Well, there's always the boxing day sales to look forward too... then you can buy what you really want for yourself.
Xorton: I despise the rampant greed based consumerism and the sheep that feel the need to go out and spend themselves into debt once a year, purchasing a bunch of crap that no one actually needs so that the elitist corporate pigs at the top can buy yet another ivory back scratcher. This attitude is unsustainable and the pigs and the sheep that willingly allow themselves to be manipulated by them will eventually destroy our civilization... as it's smothered in tons of cheap plastic crap.
Christmas Nazi: uh, well... you must have enjoyed Christmas as a kid.
Xorton: Make it easy for me. Step on that landmine. I wouldn't say I loathed Christmas as a child, but it certainly taught me to despise people. My birthday falls within December, so naturally, everyone would buy me one present with the disclaimer: "Since your birthday is so close to Christmas, we only got you one present". Which would have been acceptable if it was the value of two presents. It never was. This is why I also loathe birthdays. Why should I buy two gifts for someone when I'm likely to only receive one in return? Additionally, I've received some pretty lame presents for Christmas over the years. No sane eight year old wants a clock radio or a pen and pencil set... but for some reason that's what I got from various relatives on Christmas morning. That's worse than getting socks. My brother got a speeder bike and an AT-ST. You can't play Star Wars with your brother with a clock radio no matter how imaginative you are.
Christmas Nazi: Uhm.... how about all the fun family get-togethers and all the food.
Xorton: Spending three hours doing dishes is not my idea of a fun time.
Christmas Nazi: Decorations are nice.
Xorton: I love cheap tacky plastic shit that wastes energy and makes it look like my house is Las Vegas. Or hey, I could go with a real tree and infest my house with insects and other wild life all while measurably increasing the chance of burning my house down to it's foundations.
Christmas Nazi: Well, there's the true meaning of Christmas.
Xorton: Oh, not the one manifested by capitalism? Well, I don't follow the mad and contradictory ravings of the Magic Carpenter and his merry band of hypocrites. The Christian church only assigned December 25th his birthday so it would coincide with existing pagan rituals so as to more easily convert the heathen. Additionally, from a historical perspective, the Christians have been less about love, caring and giving, than stealing, slaying and forcing their values down everyone else's throats. By that logic, to fully embrace the true meaning of Christmas, I would have to steal all my neighbours consumerist driven seasonal purchases, enslave him and his family while forcing them to adopt a new arbitrary belief system* and burn his home to the ground all while proclaiming it in the name of some crazy guy that's been dead for 2000 years and his invisible and all powerful father who spends an inordinate amount of his time unleashing disasters on this speck of dirt called Earth.
By this point the Christmas Nazi has usually beat a hasty retreat or has huddled into a ball and is quietly rocking themselves in a corner.
A Humbug to you all!
*Coming in 2013: A New Arbitrary Belief System for the New Order. Like all belief systems, I intend to make it up as I go along.
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