Xorton's Rant

Iona has come a long way in the art of conversation and I'm constantly surprised by the scope of her vocabulary. I still often find myself scared by some of our conversations. On remarking on a painting in my Trafalgar Memorial Bathroom: Iona: Who is that guy in the painting. Me: That is Admiral Horatio Nelson. Iona: Can we meet him? Me: Sorry dear, he's been dead for over two hundred years. Iona: How'd he die? Me: He died in a big battle. Iona: Where is he now? Me: He's buried a St. Paul's Cathedral. We can visit it sometime. Iona: Can we dig him up? Me: What?! Iona: I want to dig him up. Me: I don't think they'd take to well to you digging up one of Britain's national heroes. Iona: I wanna dig him up. Me: And moving right along... Having placed a large ball under her shirt: Iona:  This is my real baby. Me:  I see. Iona:  He's gonna come out of my crotch. Me:  Who told you about that??! Iona:  Evily. Me:  Evily...

I recently completed my annual July Christmas shopping and a friend noticed the large amount of shopping bags coming out of my car. He casually inquired what it was all for and when I remarked, it was for Christmas, he looked rather puzzled and asked "why now?" Why now indeed? Let's face it, Christmas shopping is an incredible pain in the ass at the best of times... unless you do it in July like the smart, organized people. Let's look at the many benefits of completing the task, six months ahead of schedule. 1. Shopping in shorts, sandals and a t-shirt is a hell of a lot easier than shopping in several layers of clothes, heavy boots, scarves, woolly hat, and heavy fur lined coat. Sure, just like wearing all that crazy winter survival getup, you may get a little warm and uncomfortable lugging all those bags around, but the difference is that I can buy a cool drink, sit out in the shade and relax outside. Relaxing and taking off all that gear just isn't possi...

Microsoft quietly discontinued extended support for Windows Vista on April 11 of this year. So, what exactly does that mean? It means that (if you're still using it and haven't upgraded) your Windows Vista operating system will no longer receive critical updates, and patches of any kind including security. It also means that if you were running the Microsoft Security Essentials anti-virus, that has also become unsupported on the Vista platform. Incidentally, if you were also running the Google Chrome browser, that too will no longer receive updates. So, (many of you might still be asking), what the hell does that mean? Essentially it means that with the rise of crypto viruses that have been making their rounds on the internet, your system will now be an easier target for obliteration than an exhausted, geriatric blue whale, that's over eaten and had the misfortune of beaching itself on Omaha beach just as things got interesting on June 6, 1944... you Luddites. W...

Once again, I've compiled a list of some free software I've recently come across that I'd like to share with you all. Some of it is just for plain fun, others, you may just find a little useful: Nerdy Computer Stuff (isn't it all?) Commodore Vice Emulator If you're into the whole retro computer thing, VICE is just the thing for you. VICE allows you to run an emulation of the old Commodore computers (such as the VIC-20 and the Commodore 64) on your modern Windows, Mac or Linux computer without having to go to the trouble of acquiring 40 year old hardware. There's a ton of cartridge and tape game ROM files available on the internet for your retro gaming entertainment. Neverware Cloudready Cloudready is a version of the Google Chrome OS that is available for download and installation on your own hardware. Those of you that are familiar with the Chrome OS are probably aware that it only runs on devices that are sold with it pre-installed. Cloudre...

Now having been forced to watch "Frozen" for the millionth time (I have to credit Disney, it's like crack for toddlers), it has become incredibly clear that the real hero of Arendelle is not Queen Elsa or Princess Anna, but the slighted antagonist, Prince Hans of the Seven Isles. For those of you who have not had the dubious honour of watching "Frozen", I'll recap the basic plot. Elsa, the heir to the throne of Arendelle is born with the magical ability to create ice and snow (and apparently, textiles). As a child, she accidentally blasts her sister Anna with frost while playing. While Anna is essentially unharmed (her parents first instinct is to rush her to a bunch of strange trolls (rather than the palace physician). Her parents decide to shut the children in and hide them away from the rest of the world (always a good idea when you have a child with special challenges). Years later, the parents drown in a freak boating accident, and Elsa becomes Qu...

As anyone with a young child knows, talking with toddlers can be (and usually is) and endless source of amusement. They have a very unique view of the universe. Now that Iona has started really developing the art of conversation, I find myself taking note of some of the more outstanding examples. The following are compiled from the last few months: On Star Wars: We recently watched the original trilogy in full. Perhaps I should be concerned that she shouts "Yay!" every time Darth Vader enters the scene, or that when she see's stormtroopers, she shouts "Pew! Pew!". In any event, she clearly enjoyed the movies. Me: Iona, what was your favourite part of Return of the Jedi? Iona: The Emperor! Bwahahahaa. Me: Did you like the Ewoks? Iona: More Taun-Tauns! Me: Yes, Jedi definitely suffered from a lack of Taun-Tauns. On another Star Wars related note, Iona is not scared of Wampas or Rancors in the slightest. Large auditoriums with strange people fre...

And it's that time of year when children begin reminding you that Christmas is just around the corner. I've come to believe that children must have some sort of internal clock that is specifically wired to begin reminding you when it's less than one hundred days until Christmas. It's the only thing Iona seems to have a sense of time about and it's damn peculiar being that toddlers have no sense of time whatsoever. She says things like: "When I was older..." "It 9:30 o'clock" (at lunch) "No, it Saturday!"(on Wednesday) "It getty-uppy time!" (at 4:00 in the morning) "The sun is on!" (when there's barely a sliver of light on the horizon) "When is it today time?" "We visted grandma on that lasterday." Iona has been asking for Christmas music and Christmas television specials to be played fairly consistently (meaning every morning) and she's also been arguing with me about p...

The deadline for the free upgrade to Windows 10 is rapidly approaching: July 29, 2016. I've had a number of people ask me whether they should upgrade or not, so, let's look at the specifics first: Who's eligible?  Anyone running Windows 7, 8 or 8.1 is eligible for the free upgrade. You can upgrade your system from the Windows notification in the System Tray (you've probably noticed it nagging you for several months now to perform the install) or you can download the installer  here . If you're still running Windows XP or Vista you will need to pay for a license and do a clean install (provided your hardware will support the new operating system). You can check the minimum system requirements here . What happens during the upgrade?  The upgrade is a pretty seamless process, but may take a couple of hours to complete and your computer will reboot at least a couple of times during the install.  Once the install is complete, it may take Windows some add...

A while ago I posted a blog about free software ( here ) that would save you a few bucks. If you haven't read the original list, I really recommend it. I've recently compiled an addendum to this list (below). Actually, it's not an addendum, because that would be just tagged on to the existing list. So, it's actually a completely new list. Anyway, here it is: Useful for Home Malwarebytes Anti-Exploit : Helps protect your browser from potential threats. This is the same company that produces the Malwarebytes Anti-Malware utility (which I also highly recommend). I'd say it's a must for any of you who consider yourself dummies when it comes to computers. Of course, the best defense (other than security software) against infections is knowledge. One of these days I'll post my security briefing. It'll scare the hell out of you. 7zip : This free utility will unzip pretty much any compressed file, such as RAR, ZIP etc. Useful for when people send you a...

In my profession, over the years I've come across a lot of very bad ideas, and there seems to be no shortage of them. Unfortunately, it seems that people with no discernible technical skills or technical education often offer the most suggestions or "solutions" for technical issues. The less technical knowledge they have, the more opinionated and stubborn they are... and when you've been included in a committee of the non-technically inclined, anytime said ideas are shot down, the more they stick to their potentially ruinous concepts. Here are some of my favourites over the years, some I've personally encountered, others that have become an industry wide push: 1) We should turn the server room into an office and move all that equipment into the closet downstairs. Sounds pretty innocuous right? Well, for the un-technical, let me explain. Computers generate heat. Anyone have a laptop? Lift it up after you've been on it for a while. See how hot it gets un...

Having a Toddler at Christmas can be a horrendous and entertaining affair... often at the same time. For those that have toddlers or young children, you know that the two things are usually inseparable. Our biggest challenge right now is trying to convince Iona that the tree is not "hers", and that it is "ours". Here's some helpful hints on how to adjust the ratio in favour of the entertaining side: 1. Introduction to Santa: Start early. Many parents make the mistake of introducing their child to Santa around 1 to 2 years... which depending on what stage their at in development, usually means a freakout session in front of hundreds of strangers, and a very tired looking Santa doing his best to remain sane. Let's do the old bugger (and yourselves) a favour. Start reading Christmas stories and showing videos of Santa (via youtube, or old VHS tapes for that matter) as soon as they're able to focus their attention on something for five minutes. B...

I generally steer clear of writing posts about political situations, but I think the upcoming election in Canada warrants some sort of remark. I've been paying a lot of attention to the Conservative party's campaign this time around and I've come to the conclusion that the honourable (tongue firmly planted in cheek) Prime Minister, Stephen Harper clearly believes he is running a campaign in the late 19th or early 20th century. With remarks about "old stock Canadians", "Barbaric Cultural Practices" and the like, it's hard to escape from the conclusion that he inhabits a bubble universe where time froze in and about the turn of the last century. Some people have accused him of being a fascist. I don't think he's a fascist... he's very clearly (and to use his own words) an "old stock" anglophile imperialist. Someone really ought to mention that he isn't running against Wilfrid Laurier and that he's missed the last Imp...

I realize it's a little early for a Christmas post, but lately I've noticed that the Christmas idiots have started getting nostalgic and have started putting out decorations and humming Christmas tunes mindlessly. So, why not get a head start of some Christmas ranting!? Over the years, and in particular this past year, I have noticed an increasing amount of people becoming brutally stressed out due to Christmas related obligations and even continuing to exhibit signs of post-traumatic holiday syndrome (PTHS) long after the holidays are over. Holiday Fact: Would it surprise you to know that over 98% of people* feel as though they are obligated to be actively involved with festivities during the holiday season? The unfortunate fact of the matter is that many of us feel as though we have  no choice other than to participate in gift giving, pot-lucks, family get-togethers and various other holiday activities, even when it has pushed us to the point of a nervous breakdown or m...

At Iona's age, it's pretty easy for me to be sarcastic to her... mostly because I can say things with impunity and secondly (and most importantly) there are no repercussions. In a couple of more years I'll probably be guaranteed a slap across the chops for any of my cheekier comments (Iona doesn't put up with crap... at least when she understands what is being said). In the meantime, here are some highlights I've enjoyed telling her: On where she came from :  We got you from the baby shop. I went in and asked for the smartest, cutest, happiest baby they had. Unfortunately they were all out of those, so we got you instead. You can also purchase cheap babies from the grocery store. You know that aisle with all the packages with babies on them? You just buy one of them, take it home and add water. Then you get a baby, just like the picture on the package. Most of them are pretty ugly though... and defective. Quick lesson here: you can't buy quality merch...

Being the parent of a one year old (plus several months), I often find myself saying things that I never imagined I would be saying. In fact, many of these words I never even imagined would be organized into a single sentence in the first place. Why is there snot all over your shoes? Please take the cat's tail of of your mouth.  Why are you mashing bananas into your hair?  The chair is not for wiping your nose on.  My shirt is not for wiping your nose on.  The cat is not for wiping your nose on.  Please remove your finger from my nose.  Why are there potatoes in your ears?  Please stop smearing poo on your forehead!  Do your 'Happy Wiggle Dance' for Daddy! Thank-you for offering, but Daddy really doesn't want to eat a handful of pre-chewed corn.  Why are you using your nappy to store crackers? Stop! You must not Hop on Pop!* Don't kill Daddy, you may require his services later on.   And while I imagine I would say the ...

Being as Iona was starting a trial run at daycare this past week, I finally had a few hours in which to construct and shoot the sets for our Buskar the Bear tale. "I finally crushed that stupid truck you've been protecting." Iona interjected. "Yes dear, I know, the Hummer. It doesn't matter anyway, we finished the picture shoot." "It doesn't matter anymore? Damn." "You know, little girls of your age shouldn't use words like that." I scolded. "&*$@ you. Don't make me hit you again." Iona threatened shaking her little fist. "Now, now. You'll enjoy this one dear." "I'd better!" Iona scowled. And with that, let's begin our story: Buskar the Bear was terribly drunk. Terribly, terribly drunk. But that of course was his usual state. He always went about saying: "If you're not drinking, you're probably thinking... which in my experience just gets you into...